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Diversity Day At The Kid's School


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Today was diversity day at the loon's school, and for whatever reason... fuck knows how, because I never speak to any of them... they knew I was Scotchish. I was invited to do a presentation for a classroom of 5 year old kids, so I reluctantly agreed to do that then.


Made rowies and shortbread, printed a bunch of pictures of Scotland and stuck them to a board, got some basic Gaelic words for the kids to repeat... what could possibly go wrong?


My own loon was the primary fucking instigator of the chaos that followed. I had him decked out in his kilt and Jacobite shirt, and he decided he was going to get up front with me and more or less lead the presentation...


First couple of minutes, sweet... here's a picture of Scotland.. this is a Heelan coo... this is Pittodrie where the famous Aberdeen play... Fuck the Gers.. "Can we all say 'Fuck the Gers?' boys and girls.... okay, not really that bit...


"I love castles!" says one kid... "You hide in castles in case Dragons attack you!" announces another... kid puts hand up... "Mr Kelt.. what happens when a Robot Dragon attacks you?"


"What... a robot dragon?"


"Or a real one with fire? Raaaaaaawr!"


"The fuck, kid? That's Embra castle.. and we're only at the picture of the Scottish flag. Stop jumping the gun, and...."


"I like THAT picture! The one with the FIRE!"


"That's Up Helly Aa.. we're getting to that. Just be patie...."


"Are those mammoths in the water?"




"The mammoths with the horns in the water?"


"I already told you they were Highland cows. Were you not paying attention?"


"What if the robot dragon had lazers!?"


"Daddy, can I just say something?"




"This is Scotland here... and you have to fly all the way to another country..."


"What are those things at the bottom"


"Those are the Callanish Stones. Can you all just fucking STOP talking. Put your hand down."


"Daddy. Let me tell them about Aberdeen."




"Aberdeen wears red. They're the best team."


"That's true, but we're not..."


"Mr Kelt... Mr Kelt... Mr Kelt... Mr Kelt..."


"Dragons, Mr Kelt! What about the Dragons!"


"Look, this is Scotland, not Middle Fucking Earth!"




20 minutes of that. Felt like four hours.


Anyway... don't let yourself be volunteered. Lesson learned.

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