Bastard Squirrels

[Ke1t]

Fair enough, it's only superheroes and fictional detectives who usually have a nemesis, but it's starting to look like these furry little fuckers have declared war on Kelt... and I'm not sure if I'm winning or not.

 

Couple of times this year the cunts have thrown themselves into the pool and drowned. I've had to get in after their floating little corpses and drag them out for burial by scaffie. Since the second incident I've been pretty diligent about covering the pool at night, and squirrels, lacking an opposable thumb, don't have the grip or strength required to pull the cover up so they can drown themselves.

 

Last night, however, I was locking up the garage and back door and didn't really feel like wandering out into the darkness to start fucking around with the cover, largely because I had had a couple of shandies and, quite frankly, it's a bit spooky out there. And not in a Scooby Doo, Jinkies, kind of way, but in a... there are coyotes and giant fucking snakes out there and I'm not in the mood to be bitten by some mangy fucking dog-thing that likely has rabies, or constricted to death by some twat's escaped exotic python thing.

 

So I didn't cover the pool.

 

ONE fucking night, I reckoned, ONE fucking night should be okay to not cover the pool up. So I left it.

 

7 o clock this morning I'm schlepping around the hoose trying to get my shit together... I'm trying to figure out how you make a cup of coffee, still got my cock hanging oot my boxers from my pish of a few minutes earlier, and the wife comes steaming into the kitchen...

 

"The Pool... !" she starts.

 

"Ahhh fuck." I greet her. "Is it a deed squirrull?"

 

"NO!" she says.

 

"Ach, well that's good." I smile, tucking my cock back into my boxers before someone gets scared and calls animal control thinking that Constrictor I was talking about was trying to climb up my leg...

 

"TWO dead squirrels in the pool!"

 

"GET TAE FUCK!" I roar good-humourdly at her, swinging a kick that she easily dodges.

 

Out I go into the back, into the torrential fucking rain that's hammering down like a tropical monsoon. And there in the pool are indeed two fucking squirrels, performing some sort of lazy, vermin-themed synchronised swimming, obviously deid and not simply having a playful, early-morning swim in the rain.

 

My attempts to get them out of the pool were thwarted by me not being able to find the net-on-a-stick, while simultaneously fielding questions from the wife, "Did you get them? Did you..." "Shut yer fuckin' mooth! Dis it look like uv fuckin' goat em?" and from the loon who's standing 2 millimeteres from my face going, "Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?" "GET TAE FUCK!" I cheerily scream at him.

 

I went back inside, made myself a sandwich, then got my shit together.

 

Transpires the meat I stuck in my sandwich... "You didn't eat that lunchmeat in the fridge?"

 

"Aye... hid it in a sammich."

 

"It was all green and mouldy."

 

"?"

 

"I was going to throw it out... but I didn't."

 

"Magic. Now I've got the corned beef AIDS, and I'll be spewing my ringer all day tomorrow."

 

"Don't get mad at me!" she starts. "I never forced you to eat moldy food!"

 

"CUUUUUUUUUUUUNT!"

 

It's one in the Afternoon and I've started drinking

[looksgoodinred]

sounds like as good an excuse for a JD and coke as any i guess. (although to be fair, you haven't actually started spewing nor have you buried the dead squirrels yet.) :drink:

 

the morning could have been worse...you could have been bitten on the end of your dick while it was hanging from your boxers in such an alluring fashion, by a spider. or something.

 

EDIT: and i also detest squirrels. rats with good PR. mangy little bastards.

[The Boofon]

sounds like as good an excuse for a JD and coke as any i guess. (although to be fair, you haven't actually started spewing nor have you buried the dead squirrels yet.) :drink:

 

the morning could have been worse...you could have been bitten on the end of your dick while it was hanging from your boxers in such an alluring fashion, by a spider. or something.

 

EDIT: and i also detest squirrels. rats with good PR. mangy little bastards.

 

 

Only the grey bastards. The red ones are bang on.

 

Protected as well in Scotland which is quite right. Those grey yank bastards have came over to the UK and are trying to give the red ones squirrel AIDS.

Come on you reds

 

The red squirrel is native to Britain, but its future is increasingly uncertain as the introduced American grey squirrel expands its range across the mainland. There are estimated to be only 140,000 red squirrels left in Britain, with over 2.5 million greys. The Forestry Commission is working with partners in projects across Britain to develop a long-term conservation strategy that deters greys and encourages reds.

 

Threats

 

The main threats to the survival of the reds are the increasing number of grey squirrels, disease (squirrel poxvirus) and road traffic. Greys can feed more efficiently in broadleaved woodlands and can survive at densities of up to 8 per hectare. The density of reds is up to 1 per hectare in broadleaved woodland but can be as low as 0.1 per hectare in coniferous woodland.

The main predators of red squirrels are birds of prey, such as goshawks and pine marten. In some urban areas, such as Jersey, domestic cats are also a threat when squirrels go into gardens to feed.

[looksgoodinred]

Only the grey bastards. The red ones are bang on.

 

Protected as well in Scotland which is quite right. Those grey yank bastards have came over to the UK and are trying to give the red ones squirrel AIDS.

Come on you reds

 

 

Grey, red and black.. all vile little creatures. I'm not sure what sort of useful purpose they serve either, aside from offing themselves in Kelt's pool and giving him a reason to have a celebratory JD and Coke.

[Bobby Connor]

Squirrels are ace, as are seagulls. You just have to meet the right one.

[Ke1t]

sounds like as good an excuse for a JD and coke as any i guess. (although to be fair, you haven't actually started spewing nor have you buried the dead squirrels yet.) :drink:

 

the morning could have been worse...you could have been bitten on the end of your dick while it was hanging from your boxers in such an alluring fashion, by a spider. or something.

 

I've never been bitten on the cock by anything with more than two legs... chickens are surprisingly gentle.

 

I WAS once bitten on the manbag by a centipede though... I was in the shower showering as you do, and when I got to the gentleman's arrangement it genuinely felt as though I had three bollocks, so gigantic was this manbagular lump. I'm soaping it up gan, "Wan... Twa... Three.. THREE?!!!!!!!"

 

At the time I had no idea it was a centipede bite, and immediately thought I had man's ball cancers.

 

I rinsed them off gingerly, though how I know how gingers rinse their genitalia I have no Idea, and immediately got myself into a sort of weird, fetal position so I could take a picture of the offending area. A quick look at the picture in close up did nothing for my confidence that this was anything else than a firm case of Death By Bollock Lump.

 

So I sends the picture to my old dear, saying, Dear Old Dear. Here's a picture of my balls. What do you reckon to that?

 

After a great deal of back and forth confusion regarding the reason for me sending pictures of my balls to my old dear, I explained to her that I needed her opinion on the third bollock.

 

Looks like an insect bite, says my old dear. Got any big spiders in the New World where you now do stay? she asked.

 

We've got centipedes as big as your first husbands cock, I says to my mother.

 

Wow, says my old dear, he had quite the cock on him, your father.... must be some size of centipede.

 

I know, I says, I inherited his giant cock, me.

 

Did you now, she sa......

 

... anyway I'm getting off the subject... My old dear's a nurse, you see, so she would be the person to first show pictures of my balls... for purely medical and professional reasons.

 

Rubbed some Steroid cream on my old fella and, hey presto, three weeks later it was back to two balls.

 

Scary, scary stuff though. I still have that picture if anyone wants to see it.

 

 

EDIT: and i also detest squirrels. rats with good PR. mangy little bastards.

 

Stuck them in a box and will stick them out to the kerb for burial tomorrow.

 

If anyone wants a picture of their little, soggy corpses, I have some of those too.

 

Their eyes... they die with their eyes open.

 

Interesting fact.

[Bobby Connor]

Definitely gay.

[Ke1t]

Definitely gay.

 

I'll take a cock... no question about that :thumbs:

 

I suppose you're too good for the cock, BC?

 

You're not too good for for the cock, I assure you.

 

[Bobby Connor]

Come and talk to me without your clown costume on and then we can chat.

[looksgoodinred]

Come and talk to me without your clown costume on and then we can chat.

 

is chat a euphimism?

[Ke1t]

Come and talk to me without your clown costume on and then we can chat.

 

 

Yeah, I've had that invitation before.

 

That's how it always starts.

 

You're not fooling Kelt, Sgt Straightpants.

 

No ways no how

[Bobby Connor]

Red Squirrels are my nemesis.

 

For fuck sake.

[Stoney]

I could go for seeing some deed squirrels nae too sure about the nutsack though, best leave that till tomorrow when I have had more than three pints

[Bobby Connor]

Who's your other nemisi ? Bats probably.

[robbojunior]

"GET TAE FUCK!" I roar good-humourdly at her, swinging a kick that she easily dodges.

 

[looksgoodinred]

do you always take photos of your physical deformities? temporary or otherwise?

 

go ahead then.. load up a pic of your three-balled monster. you can't scare me!

[Bobby Connor]

do you always take photos of your physical deformities? temporary or otherwise?

 

go ahead then.. load up a pic of your three-balled monster. you can't scare me!

 

You would enjoy it far too much.

[looksgoodinred]

You would enjoy it far too much.

 

possibly. but maybe not just me

[Ke1t]

Red Squirrels are my nemesis.

 

For fuck sake.

 

Then you'll be delighted to see one of the squirrel corpses is as ginger as Strachan's minge.

 

 

I could go for seeing some deed squirrels nae too sure about the nutsack though, best leave that till tomorrow when I have had more than three pints

 

Box-O-Squirrel-Corpses, just for you and Boaby...

 

[Bobby Connor]

Funny how Kelt is busy battering away at his keyboard. We may see a response by midnight.

[looksgoodinred]

the red one looks larger than the other (black?) one? or is it just your arrangement in the box?

[Ke1t]

possibly. but maybe not just me

 

True dat

[Bobby Connor]

Big squirrel. I'd call that a mongoose.

[Stoney]

Decent, viking burial?

[Ke1t]

the red one looks larger than the other (black?) one? or is it just your arrangement in the box?

 

You may be surprised to discover that while recovering the drowned corpses of a couple of squirrels, at 7am, and in the middle of a tropical storm... I completely forgot to measure the wee craiters.

 

 

[looksgoodinred]

You may be surprised to discover that while recovering the drowned corpses of a couple of squirrels, at 7am, and in the middle of a tropical storm... I completely forgot to measure the wee craiters.

 

 

 

why was your cock still hanging out of your boxers at 7 am?

[Ke1t]

why was your cock still hanging out of your boxers at 7 am?

 

Too much bother to feed it all back into my shorts.

 

[looksgoodinred]

You may be surprised to discover that while recovering the drowned corpses of a couple of squirrels, at 7am, and in the middle of a tropical storm... I completely forgot to measure the wee craiters.

 

 

 

and i wasn't suggesting you should have measured them. they're dead. and you're not planning to stew or roast them. so what would it matter?

 

just sizing comparative to each other. your best guess as to whether the red was larger.

[Bobby Connor]

why was your cock still hanging out of your boxers at 7 am?

 

[Ke1t]

and i wasn't suggesting you should have measured them. they're dead. and you're not planning to stew or roast them. so what would it matter?

 

just sizing comparative to each other. your best guess as to whether the red was larger.

 

Fair enough, and I didn't mean to come over all dickish.

 

If I had to guess, I'd say the black squirrel was approximately fifteen times larger than the red squirrel, although that might be a bad guess given my lack of any real attention to detail.

 

Now that I look at the picture again, though, I'd probably say they're about the same size.

 

I'm going to start filling the pool with onion powder and chives, I think.