Self-Sufficiency: Are You Ready To Survive?

[Ke1t]

I like to think I can do pretty much anything I turn my hand to in a survival/self-sufficiency scenario... building a fire, fashioning a shelter, killing a bear for its meat and fur, saving a nuclear reactor from meltdown... that kind of thing.

 

Obviously some things I'm probably somewhat overconfident in my own abilities to perform, like stopping a nuclear meltdown. That might pose significant problems inasmuch as a 'heid-first' attitude probably doesn't help or fix anything.

 

Killing a bear might not be as big a problem as you would imagine. I'm not suggesting fighting a bear in one on one combat, because I reckon the bear would stand at least a 33% chance of defeating me. I'm thinking more along the lines of a hole in the ground, punji sticks, and a 50 pound rock dropped on the bastard's skull from a safe height.

 

I reckon it would be easy enough to not eat any poisonous mushrooms... simply by not eating any mushrooms. Poisonous berries might be a little more difficult to avoid, because I reckon I can eat any poisonous berry and have nothing more than a bit of a sair arse the next day, so if I see berries I'm eating them.

 

Building a fire looks straightforward, as does building a shelter. fresh water might be a problem, but i've seen enough Bear Grylls to be confident in getting hold of some water... I think I even know how to properly kill wee animals if I can catch them.

 

How confident are you in your survival skills if you have to Johnny Rambo it in the forests for an indefinite period of time?

 

 

[looksgoodinred]

On my own? I'm pretty confident I'd be dead within a week.

[tainboy]

I'd start a fucking colony I'm so adept at survival. I can kill and make a meal of anything that lives.

 

 

Some nights I've been so drunk I can't stand still but still manage to secure a meal and drink, and have more can than I left the house with, therefore it proves I'm a survivalist.

[sheepiekev]

Having watched Revolution on Sky 1, not ready at all....although if Tracy Spiridakos was helping me, I'm sure I'd manage

[sheepiekev]

On my own? I'm pretty confident I'd be dead within a week.

I'm sure you could find something, or someone to keep you amused

[looksgoodinred]

 

On my own? I'm pretty confident I'd be dead within a week.

I'm sure you could find something, or someone to keep you amused

I'm sometimes easily amused. And I guess it would help the week I'm dying pass more quickly? But it won't help me survive. I can't even deal with squirrels and mice ffs. Nope. I'm doomed. A week. Tops.

[Ke1t]

On my own? I'm pretty confident I'd be dead within a week.

 

Just head for the sound of bears being battered to death with a rock... I'll protect you.

 

Of course you'll have to fight my wife for position of Alpha Female.

 

(Hint) criticise something about her, and she'll be distracted for the next four fucking hours moaning about it to anyone who'll listen. That's your chance to strike.

[The Boofon]

You should kill all grey squirrels.

 

I'd enjoy living off those evil little fucks.

[The Boofon]

 

On my own? I'm pretty confident I'd be dead within a week.

Just head for the sound of bears being battered to death with a rock... I'll protect you.

 

Of course you'll have to fight my wife for position of Alpha Female.

 

(Hint) criticise something about her, and she'll be distracted for the next four fucking hours moaning about it to anyone who'll listen. That's your chance to strike.

Make sure you take a laptop with you as well so we can find out how the dons got on against Celtic.

[Ke1t]

 

 

On my own? I'm pretty confident I'd be dead within a week.

Just head for the sound of bears being battered to death with a rock... I'll protect you.

 

Of course you'll have to fight my wife for position of Alpha Female.

 

(Hint) criticise something about her, and she'll be distracted for the next four fucking hours moaning about it to anyone who'll listen. That's your chance to strike.

Make sure you take a laptop with you as well so we can find out how the dons got on against Celtic.

 

 

I'm starting to think it was your wife who set Al Qaeda on you, you nagging bitch.

 

I kid

 

I'm a kidder

 

But she probably did.

[looksgoodinred]

 

On my own? I'm pretty confident I'd be dead within a week.

Just head for the sound of bears being battered to death with a rock... I'll protect you.

 

Of course you'll have to fight my wife for position of Alpha Female.

 

(Hint) criticise something about her, and she'll be distracted for the next four fucking hours moaning about it to anyone who'll listen. That's your chance to strike.

I'll have no problem taking care of your wife. and its a very kind offer. I'll keep it in mind should the need arise... Run toward the sound of angry bears, not away. I've written it on my hand to remind myself.

[The Boofon]

 

 

 

 

 

 

On my own? I'm pretty confident I'd be dead within a week.

 

Just head for the sound of bears being battered to death with a rock... I'll protect you.

 

Of course you'll have to fight my wife for position of Alpha Female.

 

(Hint) criticise something about her, and she'll be distracted for the next four fucking hours moaning about it to anyone who'll listen. That's your chance to strike.

Make sure you take a laptop with you as well so we can find out how the dons got on against Celtic.

 

I'm starting to think it was your wife who set Al Qaeda on you, you nagging bitch.

 

I kid

 

I'm a kidder

 

But she probably did.

 

Thought the weekend would be a good opportunity for the match.

[daytripping]

I'd be fine, i'm nails.

[Ke1t]

I'd be fine, i'm nails.

 

Your problem is probably in overconfidence though... maybe even moreso than me.

 

While I'd be planning on ways of killing bears that don't involve actual physical contact with their giant claws and teeth, you'd be windmilling in like you were back on the beachfront circa 1985.

[ChutneyLove]

Quite simple really. I'd eat my own shit. I'm sure I'd get used to the taste after a while. It works. I left my goldfish for 6 weeks once when I went down to Africa working - forgot to get anyone round to feed them. They survived - with nothing to eat but their own shite.

 

They did seem quite hungry when I gave them some food a couple of days after I got back, but none the worse for the experience.

[daytripping]

 

I'd be fine, i'm nails.

 

Your problem is probably in overconfidence though... maybe even moreso than me.

 

While I'd be planning on ways of killing bears that don't involve actual physical contact with their giant claws and teeth, you'd be windmilling in like you were back on the beachfront circa 1985.

 

The windmill is like the kick at the end of the karate kid, simply no defence against it,

 

Even for a Grizzly.

[daytripping]

i'd probably take over the local Lidl as my first move, put security on the door, live off the contents for Months, would be bleezing every night while living off Polish sausages,

[daytripping]

Quite simple really. I'd eat my own shit. I'm sure I'd get used to the taste after a while. It works. I left my goldfish for 6 weeks once when I went down to Africa working - forgot to get anyone round to feed them. They survived - with nothing to eat but their own shite.

 

They did seem quite hungry when I gave them some food a couple of days after I got back, but none the worse for the experience.

 

 

you're all heart min.

[ChutneyLove]

i'd probably take over the local Lidl as my first move, put security on the door, live off the contents for Months, would be bleezing every night while living off Polish sausages,

Just a thought - if you're going to go to the bother of securing a supermarket for your sustenance - maybe think aboot Sainsbury's rather than Lidl?

[daytripping]

 

i'd probably take over the local Lidl as my first move, put security on the door, live off the contents for Months, would be bleezing every night while living off Polish sausages,

Just a thought - if you're going to go to the bother of securing a supermarket for your sustenance - maybe think aboot Sainsbury's rather than Lidl?

 

I know the Lidl food range, know the store layout, I'm on it like a car bonnet, I have it planned.

 

Just need to do a morning noon and night cigarette heist on route.

[daytripping]

I bet in the event of a global nuclear war cigs will be the currency, they would replace silver and gold, packet of lambos would be twelve gold bars.

[ChutneyLove]

I bet in the event of a global nuclear war cigs will be the currency, they would replace silver and gold, packet of lambos would be twelve gold bars.

Rizlas will be small change.

[Poodler]

I would seek out sinead o Connor and suckle her nipple

[ChutneyLove]

Well, if we're allowed to have someone else there I would eat their shit instead of my own. I've got standards you know.

[looksgoodinred]

Well, if we're allowed to have someone else there I would eat their shit instead of my own. I've got standards you know.

 

in Kelt's scenario, you're in a forest.

so you could eat bear and deer shit too. you never had to eat just your own.

 

if i can bring a dependent with me though, i'd bring a dog. he'd hunt, killing squirrels and small animals. i just have to poke them with a stick and cook them over a fire. some for me, some for the dog. i think i'd make it through week one.

[spamspamspam]

Being a cuntray loon I'd have no problems trapping, killing and preparing food.

Watched enough Ray Mears to know how to build a boat, forage for food and also not to trust anything Bear Grylls says when it comes to actually surviving.

 

When the power goes out or the aliens invade I'll be up the hills with a couple of tidies ensuring the human race survives.

[Robbie Winters]

I once come to my senses in a proper shithole flat in Glasgow after accepting the offer of sex and drugs, probably mushrooms from some weeg bint. I had to use all of my boy scouting skills to make it back to my billet in downtown raintown with about 50p in my pocket so I can honestly say Kelt that I do believe that nights episode alone will stand me in good stead come the hour. I am sure I encountered some bears that night and I would have gladly dropped a rock on their heeds but they were in a pack of about 15 so I made like Billy Whizz and run so quick past them through the forests of tower blocks in Yoker.

 

Is this acceptable ? I think I have the skills

[The Boofon]

Thought the weekend would be a good opportunity for the match.

4-1. FFS.

[Ke1t]

I once come to my senses in a proper shithole flat in Glasgow after accepting the offer of sex and drugs, probably mushrooms from some weeg bint. I had to use all of my boy scouting skills to make it back to my billet in downtown raintown with about 50p in my pocket so I can honestly say Kelt that I do believe that nights episode alone will stand me in good stead come the hour. I am sure I encountered some bears that night and I would have gladly dropped a rock on their heeds but they were in a pack of about 15 so I made like Billy Whizz and run so quick past them through the forests of tower blocks in Yoker.

 

Is this acceptable ? I think I have the skills

 

Ah, the Urban Jungle... in many ways more deadly than the actual jungle... and in many ways not.

 

Obviously in a survival situation you might be having to deal with the breakdown of society, not just foresty-type situations, so being able to survive in a major metropolis when the power and water go out is just as important. Personally I've a plan for staying in the city as well as heading for the hills. I've an emergency supply of dry foods, water purification tablets, ammo, and a variety of essentials that will see the family through even a serious short term power outage. If it continues into months and food starts to run low, I plan on killing and eating the neighbours. Once I run out of neighbours it's into the family vehicle and off to the Ohio border to hole up at the Father in Law's farm, where there's a literal arsenal of weaponry required for starting civilisation anew. Obviously a lot of people will be fleeing the city looking for food, and that's good, because they're all stuffed with protein.

 

Invite them in, batter them with a hammer, a bit of BBQ sauce and we're sorted. A creek out the back solves water issues, as does the well. Lots of trees for heat, lots of critters for a bit of variety, plenty land to plant vegetable type foods.

 

 

 

 

4-1. FFS.

 

 

Fully expected result, and a minor setback to the plan to finish in 8th place. Obviously morale is a little low among the players, but I'm confident shouting at them, fining them for the slightest infraction, and dropping players in favour of youth team lads will see us climb those four spots in no time.

 

And if not, then I will concede Craig Brown is the better man.

 

Though he's not killing any fucking bears in the near future, I'll guarantee you that.

[Robbie Winters]

Ah, the Urban Jungle... in many ways more deadly than the actual jungle... and in many ways not.

 

Obviously in a survival situation you might be having to deal with the breakdown of society, not just foresty-type situations, so being able to survive in a major metropolis when the power and water go out is just as important. Personally I've a plan for staying in the city as well as heading for the hills. I've an emergency supply of dry foods, water purification tablets, ammo, and a variety of essentials that will see the family through even a serious short term power outage. If it continues into months and food starts to run low, I plan on killing and eating the neighbours. Once I run out of neighbours it's into the family vehicle and off to the Ohio border to hole up at the Father in Law's farm, where there's a literal arsenal of weaponry required for starting civilisation anew. Obviously a lot of people will be fleeing the city looking for food, and that's good, because they're all stuffed with protein.

 

Invite them in, batter them with a hammer, a bit of BBQ sauce and we're sorted. A creek out the back solves water issues, as does the well. Lots of trees for heat, lots of critters for a bit of variety, plenty land to plant vegetable type foods.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fully expected result, and a minor setback to the plan to finish in 8th place. Obviously morale is a little low among the players, but I'm confident shouting at them, fining them for the slightest infraction, and dropping players in favour of youth team lads will see us climb those four spots in no time.

 

And if not, then I will concede Craig Brown is the better man.

 

Though he's not killing any fucking bears in the near future, I'll guarantee you that.

I do note that GCOI crowds are diminishing match upon match, what a shitey home support