NSFW 18+ Aberdonian Lifehacks

[Canada_Don]

LifeHack: ''A tool or technique that makes some aspect of one's life easier or more efficient''

 

If you don't find your partner attractive, wank to pornstars that look like them. Your brain will start linking traits they share with the pornstar to sexy-time and complete orgasms.

 

 

 

 

 

[Canada_Don]

Also, if you are going to drink at work keep a small bottle of hand sanitiser at your desk. When someone enters the room use it. They will assume that the vodka is simply the scent of the sanitiser.

 

Simples.

[spamspamspam]

If you're a drunk with an ugly missus it may be best to wank somewhere that isn't your office.

 

You'll end up a jobless drunk with an ugly missus.

 

Hands will be germ free though

[Chewie37]

The only hacks I like are the ones I dish out at 5-a-side when someone turns up in a Hun top

[ebbe]

Also, if you are going to drink at work keep a small bottle of hand sanitiser at your desk. When someone enters the room use it. They will assume that the vodka is simply the scent of the sanitiser.

 

Simples.

I've just necked a bottle of hand sanitiser, what happens now?

[StandFree1982]

If your missus is a bit half arsed with her bj's, use hand sanitizer as lube. Not only does it keep it clean from any bacteria, but your missus gets drunk on the alcohol content and will start to appreciate the job shes doing.

[1903Fitba]

A ten minute shit break a day at work = 40 hours off a year

[The_Next_Legend]

When driving through Mannofield, go down Morningside Gardens instead of Morningside road or Cranford road - the bumps are pretty much better thus providing a much more enjoyable drive through Mannofield while saving around 25secs of valuable time.

[buchanskii]

Drink half of your pint then stick your finger up your arse before taking your pint glass to the bar and raising the glass (with stinky finger) to the barman's nose and claiming the pint is ''off''

 

Hey presto

 

A brand new fresh pinty.

 

Also known as the 'Bluto' manoeuvre.

 

Although he doesn't try and get his pint swapped out.

[Chewie37]

I accidentally vommed a mouthful of spew into my mates pint in Ma Cameron's one Christmas Eve. I thought he'd noticed but then he picked it up and took a drink while I was rinsing my mouth out with lager. Before I could decide whether to tell him or not he stormed up to the bar and told the barmaid to taste it, which she did and got a fresh pint. I didn't own up for a few months

[Scrumpy]

A casual vomit can clear the head and set you up for another 6 hours drinking. Never needed it myself as I have an iron constitution but seen it work plenty of times

 

The casual vomit also works when deep sea fishing - especially when you are off shift and trying to sleep - no matter how good your sea legs are, constant 30 foot waves will turn your stomach and keep you awake - finger down the throat and a casual vomit into a rag will see you get a decent sleep

[Ke1t]

Few weeks ago I drank so much shit that I genuinely thought something in my heid had permanently snapped.

 

At one point I was swaying around in the bog trying to have a pish, and seriously contemplating how I was going to cope as a retarded person...

 

...did you ever get my PM, tup?

[dervish]

If you happen to piss yourself in a hotel room. Use the provided hair dryer to dry it out. Setting the dryer on the bed and holding it down with a pillow while you have a shower to wash away your contempt for yourself.

 

At least until you find out you also pished in your only jeans.