Ever Put Your Foot Right In It?

[ChutneyLove]

The first time I ever met a friend of a friend I thought I'd be helpful and tried to wipe off some pool chalk she'd somehow got on her face.

 

Was a birthmark.

[The Boofon]

My mate's wife commented about someone being completely out their nut on ecktoplasms.

 

Cerebral palsy.

 

Pre "Wolf of Wall Street" I hasten to add.

[dave_min]

Never.

[rumpus]

Many moons ago went for a job interview at an Engineering Chemical firm.

 

Got on great with the 3 guys interviewing me, I ending up being the one relaxing back in my chair, they were all sitting forward lapping up my bullshit.

 

The job was mine, of that there was no doubt.

 

They outlined the way ahead, an initial 6 month course abroad, great money with cracking perks etc..

 

At the end of the interview I assumed were all now just 'lads' together and they asked if I had any further questions.

 

So I pipes up "Fit like's the talent in the office?"

 

No idea at all why I said it. Didn't even get a thanks but no thanks letter from them.

[The Boofon]

Brilliant.

[Robbie Winters]

Me - Where you from

Fritz - Dortmund

Me - Funny that I'm going there soon for the Fussball, anything interesting there ?

Fritz - No, not really, very industrial but they do have a sculpture park, full of these, em what do you call them, gas, em , gas...

Me - Chambers ?

[newcastlered]

I worked in a bookies when I was a student. One time this wee guy who looked about 16 came up to place a bet with his Dad. He had really short hair, a football shirt, jeans and trainers on. I asked for ID because he looked about 16 as I said. So he passes me a provisional driving licence with a girls face on it. I said I can't take this bet this photo is a girl so it's clearly not your driving licence.

 

The Dad's face turned red and starting screaming that I mock his wee girl like that. I looked at the wee guy and realised he was the girl from the ID but with a hair cut. Never felt worse. The Dad complained to my boss saying I should be fired but after coming up to give the girl a free bet and when they left he just pissed himself saying he didn't realise she was a girl either.

[BrianFaePerth]

Me and the missus were stood waiting an eternity on a pizza, as were a number of other customers.

 

There was one boy who was just out of our view, but after about 10 minutes he got called forward to collect his pizza. The whole thing was comical, they balanced little plastic cups of cream on top (it is illegal to eat pizza without cream on it in Norway) and gave him his complimentary 1.5l bottle of coke. He then proceeded to drop the pizza, the lid opening and the pizza ending up face first on the floor, and then the bottle of coke dropped, spraying everywhere.

 

Eh remember thinking, "poor cunt, he will have to wait ages on a replacement", but the missus was doubled over, pissing herself laughing. The boy then turns round and when she saw his sad Downs face she then shrieked with laughter.

 

We never did get our pizza.

[RAZOR]

In the Horse years ago I was having one of those ace, long hangover pisses and I couldn't help but over hear the continuous rustle from the cubicles. As I was enjoying my piss too much I didn't really give it too much of a thought.

 

Went back and sat down at the bar and the boy next out the bogs came walking past so I said 'bloody hell min, did you have your shopping bags in there with you' . He kind of gave me this odd, weird smile that he definitely wasn't ok with what I just said but wasn't going to stick the head in me also.

 

When I turned round my pal was in hysterics. When I asked what was so funny, he went on to tell me that the gentlemen in question had recently has prostate cancer and the rustling was his colostomy bag.

 

Oops.

[granite sheep]

Had an interview a few years back, tried and failed to hold in a massive fart. Shifted about in the leather chair to make it seem as though I hadn't, unfortunately, smells dinna lie.

[Sheeptastic]

I was in the local nightclub when I was younger and I bumped into a man with one-arm by accident and spilt a little bit of the drink he was holding. I swiftly apologised and without thinking I put out my arm for a consolatory hand-shake.

 

The boy looked raging so I quickly gave him a pat on the shoulder and bolted.

[DD1903]

When dealing with a customer at work who has either a glass eye, or wonky eye, I immediately start using the phrase 'aye', instead on 'yes.'

 

Every time

[tup]

Sent a raging text full of expletives and veiled threats to a work colleague rather than my pal it was meant for.

 

Never even realised until later on when I wondered why he'd not replied and checked the phone

[rumpus]

Forgot to add...

 

And they think it's acceptable to have a screensaver of their 10 year old son triumphantly holding the antlers of a beautiful moose that has been blown to smitherens with a 12 bore Ak 47.

Di

[ChutneyLove]

Forgot to add...

 

And they think it's acceptable to have a screensaver of their 10 year old son triumphantly holding the antlers of a beautiful moose that has been blown to smitherens with a 12 bore Ak 47.

Di

Obviously nae talent in the office.

[boboisared]

A few years ago me and an ex had just broken up. Had shagged a couple of 'ok' looking birds but was looking to get back in to the game. Went to a house party with a mate (was not a close mate, in fact he was the brother of a mate but I was desperate for a night out) but soon decided to leave as it was pretty tame.

 

As I'm putting on my jacket and heading to the door, one of the girls grabs me by the arm and asks why I'm leaving. Told her I was bored and was away to go meet some mates. She then tells me that she was hoping to get to know me and leads me in to the living room. She's much better looking than the ex so this was definitely making the evening more interesting. She sits me down on the settee, straddles me and proceeds to kiss the face off me, grinding against my now raging boner whilst folk are walking in and out of the room like nothing is happening.

 

It's then announced that everyone in attendance is heading to the Metro. Although none of them had ever been, one of their friends was singing there that night and they had all agreed to go for support. Having only heard stories I was a bit apprehensive but this new blonde thing was going and I wasn't missing out on that opportunity.

 

As I'm entering the bar area of the Metro, the first thing I see is a bouncer stood over some boy, kicking him in the ribs. Another man then glasses some boy at the bar and everyone else seems oblivious. Seems to be a pretty violent place, and I don't have one person with me that I'm comfortable having my back if I'm going to be the next victim. Again the thought of pumping this blonde thing conquers any of the thoughts I may be having about leaving as we get the shots in.

 

The night's getting on, and without doubt I am getting a ride. Things are going far too well not to. At this stage, blondie takes out her phone and asks for my number. Proceeds to type hers in my phone for me. She's not typed her name, it then dawns on me that I don't know it. She's stood staring at me, waiting for me to type her name in to my phone and I don't know it. "How do you spell it?" I asked in vain. "Just the usual way". She then shows me that she has saved my name in to her phone so we've obviously been introduced. As I stood there, unsaved phone number on phone in hand with a blank expression she then utters the phrase "you don't remember my name, do you"?

 

I'm then told that if I want to have any chance of getting anywhere with her, I better find out her name sharpish. After walking round the Metro, dodging scraps at every turn and asking other attendees of the house party if they know Blondie's name it turns out she was also just a friend of a friend and no-one actually knew who she was. As I returned defeated, blondie had a face like thunder as I told her I had been unsuccessful and no-one knew who she was. It was then at this point that my mate's brother, heavily drunk at this point and with all the subtlety of a brick through a window creeps up to my ear and screams "BOBO, HER NAME IS SUSANNE".

 

I never did get a ride that night.

[The Boofon]

A few years ago me and an ex had just broken up. Had shagged a couple of 'ok' looking birds but was looking to get back in to the game. Went to a house party with a mate (was not a close mate, in fact he was the brother of a mate but I was desperate for a night out) but soon decided to leave as it was pretty tame.

 

As I'm putting on my jacket and heading to the door, one of the girls grabs me by the arm and asks why I'm leaving. Told her I was bored and was away to go meet some mates. She then tells me that she was hoping to get to know me and leads me in to the living room. She's much better looking than the ex so this was definitely making the evening more interesting. She sits me down on the settee, straddles me and proceeds to kiss the face off me, grinding against my now raging boner whilst folk are walking in and out of the room like nothing is happening.

 

It's then announced that everyone in attendance is heading to the Metro. Although none of them had ever been, one of their friends was singing there that night and they had all agreed to go for support. Having only heard stories I was a bit apprehensive but this new blonde thing was going and I wasn't missing out on that opportunity.

 

As I'm entering the bar area of the Metro, the first thing I see is a bouncer stood over some boy, kicking him in the ribs. Another man then glasses some boy at the bar and everyone else seems oblivious. Seems to be a pretty violent place, and I don't have one person with me that I'm comfortable having my back if I'm going to be the next victim. Again the thought of pumping this blonde thing conquers any of the thoughts I may be having about leaving as we get the shots in.

 

The night's getting on, and without doubt I am getting a ride. Things are going far too well not to. At this stage, blondie takes out her phone and asks for my number. Proceeds to type hers in my phone for me. She's not typed her name, it then dawns on me that I don't know it. She's stood staring at me, waiting for me to type her name in to my phone and I don't know it. "How do you spell it?" I asked in vain. "Just the usual way". She then shows me that she has saved my name in to her phone so we've obviously been introduced. As I stood there, unsaved phone number on phone in hand with a blank expression she then utters the phrase "you don't remember my name, do you"?

 

I'm then told that if I want to have any chance of getting anywhere with her, I better find out her name sharpish. After walking round the Metro, dodging scraps at every turn and asking other attendees of the house party if they know Blondie's name it turns out she was also just a friend of a friend and no-one actually knew who she was. As I returned defeated, blondie had a face like thunder as I told her I had been unsuccessful and no-one knew who she was. It was then at this point that my mate's brother, heavily drunk at this point and with all the subtlety of a brick through a window creeps up to my ear and screams "BOBO, HER NAME IS SUSANNE".

 

I never did get a ride that night.

I bet she did.

 

I'd have asked her what her name was rather than the rest of the Metro.

 

A lucky escape none the less. She sounds high maintenance.

[DD1903]

I bet she did.

 

I'd have asked her what her name was rather than the rest of the Metro.

 

A lucky escape none the less. She sounds high maintenance.

And her name isn't spelt the 'usual' way either it seems...

[boboisared]

I bet she did.

 

I'd have asked her what her name was rather than the rest of the Metro.

 

A lucky escape none the less. She sounds high maintenance.

I don't really want to get in to the story of how I know she never got a ride. Let's just say someone blue balling you on purpose is a haunting experience.

 

IN regards to asking the rest of the Metro, she wasn't telling me her name

[The Boofon]

I don't really want to get in to the story of how I know she never got a ride. Let's just say someone blue balling you on purpose is a haunting experience.

 

IN regards to asking the rest of the Metro, she wasn't telling me her name

You're going to have to tell now.

[dervish]

Question, why didn't you just ride some shank instead? Mean if it was that roughly surely there would be some creature going?

[ericblack4boss]

Was at gph one time to get work gloves, the guy comes back with a box a proceeds to one by one empty the contents, every glove was for the same hand ( either left or register get I can't recall)

Eventually I said Christ there must have been an army of one armed guys in,

 

Then I noticed the guy serving me had only one arm,

I wished the ground had opened up.

[The Boofon]

Was at gph one time to get work gloves, the guy comes back with a box a proceeds to one by one empty the contents, every glove was for the same hand ( either left or register get I can't recall)

Eventually I said Christ there must have been an army of one armed guys in,

 

Then I noticed the guy serving me had only one arm,

I wished the ground had opened up.

He could still have had two hands.

[boboisared]

You're going to have to tell now.

Basically took me home to hers, acting like we were going to ride and then proceeding to do nothing as punishment.

 

You'd think I would have learned a lesson but I've forgotten plenty names since then. Fortunately I was lucky to meet Sarah and have kids.

 

Question, why didn't you just ride some shank instead? Mean if it was that roughly surely there would be some creature going?

I guess you never went to the Metro?

[spamspamspam]

I just called out internal SharePoint system, PAMHub...

 

pornhub

[Pash]

Was at gph one time to get work gloves, the guy comes back with a box a proceeds to one by one empty the contents, every glove was for the same hand ( either left or register get I can't recall)

Eventually I said Christ there must have been an army of one armed guys in,

 

Then I noticed the guy serving me had only one arm,

I wished the ground had opened up.

 

If you had just turned one of the gloves around then you would have had a pair.

[Robbie Winters]

I'm sure we have all done it but I called the current by the ex's name, was in public as well so that was obviously deemed worse than if it had been at the tickly bit

[ChutneyLove]

I'm sure we have all done it but I called the current by the ex's name, was in public as well so that was obviously deemed worse than if it had been at the tickly bit

 

I used to be a superstar at that one. I would be saying 2 exes ago's name - didn't even like her! Get into the habit of calling them "honey," or "darling," it's for the better in the long run.

[spamspamspam]

I'm sure we have all done it but I called the current by the ex's name, was in public as well so that was obviously deemed worse than if it had been at the tickly bit

Done that to the current when she half woke me up.

Luckily the words fuck off preceded her name and I was asleep after a 2 day bender so she let me off with just a half day of sulking when I finally got up. The half day of sulking was good as well, gave me time to get over the hangover

[Poodler]

 

I used to be a superstar at that one. I would be saying 2 exes ago's name - didn't even like her! Get into the habit of calling them "honey," or "darling," it's for the better in the long run.

Does me right up when birds call me 'Hun' as in short for 'honey'.

 

If you ever call me a hun again I'll actually smash you