Festival Jokes

[Chewie37]

Im not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change. Ken Cheng

Trumps nothing like Hitler. Theres no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle

Ive given up asking rhetorical questions. Whats the point? Alexei Sayle

Im looking for the girl-next-door type. Im just gonna keep moving house till I find her. Lew Fitz

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella. But he hesitated. Andy Field

Combine Harvesters. And youll have a really big restaurant. Mark Simmons

Im rubbish with names. Its not my fault, its a condition. Theres a name for it Jimeoin

I have two boys, five and six. Were no good at naming things in our house. Ed Byrne

I wasnt particularly close to my dad before he died ... which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine. Olaf Falafel

Whenever someone says, I dont believe in coincidences, I say, Oh my God, me neither! Alasdair Beckett-King

A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a mens singles event. Angela Barnes

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting, but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. Adele Cliff

For me, dying is a lot like going camping. I dont want to do it. Phil Wang

I wonder how many chameleons snuck on to the Ark. Adam Hess

I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act. Tim Vine

[Redforever86]

Indeed.

[tiktak]

The top one in the list was the winner.

 

Im not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change. Ken Cheng

 

Seen better from Christmas crackers.

[buchanskii]

For me, dying is a lot like going camping. I dont want to do it. Phil Wang

 

Deary me. Gone are the days of Milligan Cleese Everett

[Guest milne_afc]

 

 

Deary me. Gone are the days of Milligan Cleese Everett

And Sessions, to complete the triumvirate.

[Bluto10]

Sessions

[Pash]

 

You can tell that's been fudged as there is a funny mark in the middle.

[StandFree1982]

Im not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change. Ken Cheng

Trumps nothing like Hitler. Theres no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle

Ive given up asking rhetorical questions. Whats the point? Alexei Sayle

Im looking for the girl-next-door type. Im just gonna keep moving house till I find her. Lew Fitz

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella. But he hesitated. Andy Field

Combine Harvesters. And youll have a really big restaurant. Mark Simmons

Im rubbish with names. Its not my fault, its a condition. Theres a name for it Jimeoin

I have two boys, five and six. Were no good at naming things in our house. Ed Byrne

I wasnt particularly close to my dad before he died ... which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine. Olaf Falafel

Whenever someone says, I dont believe in coincidences, I say, Oh my God, me neither! Alasdair Beckett-King

A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a mens singles event. Angela Barnes

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting, but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. Adele Cliff

For me, dying is a lot like going camping. I dont want to do it. Phil Wang

I wonder how many chameleons snuck on to the Ark. Adam Hess

I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act. Tim Vine

I saw her at the Fringe during a one liners gig. She was pretty good. I remember her telling this joke and it was the one that got the biggest laugh out of all of them.

[dave_min]

No bikes on the tram.

[Poodler]

Better one liners in Viz

[E-P-K]

Why is there a general erection sign behind you ?

 

Boners everywhere

[E-P-K]

General Fiction - Books and Beans on Belmont St

 

I used to hang about there, reading Viz.

 

 

The Belmont across the road was a better venue, Under fact, Lines and card edges.

[minijc]

 

 

The Belmont across the road was a better venue, Under fact, Lines and card edges.

Used to love getting my lunch in there

[Bluto10]

Spent 6 years tearin up the festival; 5am in pubs, outdoor summer boozing. Celebs.

Great fun

Didn't see one single show.

 

[King Street Loon]

Those jokes are about as funny as genital warts.

[minijc]

They are a fucking nightmare

 

Especially on your tongue.

canna mind you sucking my cock but sorry about that

[minijc]

How can you get them, being a virgil?

God punishing me for giving up on church lyf

[mcdougall(4)]

Spent 6 years tearin up the festival; 5am in pubs, outdoor summer boozing. Celebs.

Great fun

Didn't see one single show.

 

5 am in pubs aye

[Bluto10]

Aye different opening hours during festival min

 

Mind you penny black normally opens then

 

Top battle cruiser

[mcdougall(4)]

Aye different opening hours during festival min

 

Mind you penny black normally opens then

 

Top battle cruiser

 

no you don't say

 

except the pubs don't stay open 'til 5

 

the odd nightclub does like espionage does, but pubs don't

 

walter mitty-esque chat

[Clydeside_Sheep]

Poor, it is

Yoda you are.

 

Timbo Vine is usually good for a corny one

Aye he is good.

 

"I went on a once in a lifetime holiday recently. I'll tell you what, never again!"

 

"Crime in multi-story car-parks. Its wrong on so many different levels."

 

[Clydeside_Sheep]

God punishing me for giving up on church lyf

The Lord is a jealous God, and a revenger: the Lord is a revenger, and hath wrath: the Lord taketh vengeance on his adversaries, and he is angry with his enemies.

 

Nahum 1:2

Douay Rheims

 

[Clydeside_Sheep]

I went into PC World the other day. I'll tell you, you need to watch what you say in there.

[Redforever86]

 

no you don't say

 

except the pubs don't stay open 'til 5

 

the odd nightclub does like espionage does, but pubs don't

 

walter mitty-esque chat

 

Everyone knows after the clubs close, you go to the casino until the early morning bars open.

[The Oxford Don]

 

no you don't say

 

except the pubs don't stay open 'til 5

 

the odd nightclub does like espionage does, but pubs don't

 

walter mitty-esque chat

 

There are plenty of pubs which stay open very late in Edinburgh during the Fringe: off the top of my head, the Phoenix on Broughton Street and the Royal Oak at the foot of Chambers Street both stay open until at least 4am if not later. I'm sure there are others too. Might just be at weekends during Festival-time that they're open that late though.

 

Lots of the pop-up Festival venues stay open that late, C Venues on Chambers Street definitely stays open til 5am at weekends. I've stumbled out of there in broad daylight after a night's drinking. Shambles.

[StandFree1982]

 

no you don't say

 

except the pubs don't stay open 'til 5

 

the odd nightclub does like espionage does, but pubs don't

 

walter mitty-esque chat

It's a well known fact that Bluto is in bed by 7:30pm

[The Buzzard]

 

There are plenty of pubs which stay open very late in Edinburgh during the Fringe: off the top of my head, the Phoenix on Broughton Street and the Royal Oak at the foot of Chambers Street both stay open until at least 4am if not later. I'm sure there are others too. Might just be at weekends during Festival-time that they're open that late though.

 

Lots of the pop-up Festival venues stay open that late, C Venues on Chambers Street definitely stays open til 5am at weekends. I've stumbled out of there in broad daylight after a night's drinking. Shambles.

During festival time the best place to go for late night is Late N Live. Everybody is pissed, even the comedians at times, and then they have music on for the last part. All else fails, as mentioned above, it's time to head to Espionage.

[Chewie37]

You're nae missing much - he goes on to the Talking Heads, The The, Modest Mouse and the Cribs

Nae missing much

The End.

Did he skip Electronic on purpose?

[Quagmire]

The autobiographies played out on the Sunset Strip which incorporates its obvious sins always make the best books. Scar Tissue and The Dirt being the best to date.