Jokes

[Edwin Starr]

I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.

 

It's not the best job in the world but it gets me out of the house.

[Edwin Starr]

Sat in hospital because I've managed to glue the tip of my thumb to the top of my index finger .

 

People keep asking me if I'm ok,

but when I show them they seem to think everything's fine.

[Ke1t]

Guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor... sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, and sometimes I think I'm a teepee." 

The Doctor tells him, "Unfortunately I'm just a general practitioner, you probably need to make an appointment with a doctor specialising in mental health." 

[Edwin Starr]

It's been 3 months since I bought the book 

 "How to scam people online".

 

It still hasn't arrived yet.

[maryhilldon]

5 minutes ago, Edwin Starr said:

It's been 3 months since I bought the book 

Love Sinead O'Connor.

[Edwin Starr]

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addicts group meeting .

 

I see a lot of new faces here today.

[Don Fonte]

How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?

3, one to charge you for the lightbulb, another to charge you for the ladder and a third to loan you the money.

[Bluto10]

1 minute ago, Don Fonte said:

How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?

3, one to charge you for the lightbulb, another to charge you for the ladder and a third to loan you the money.

[Edwin Starr]

13 minutes ago, Bad_Mobby said:

Knock knock…

Who's there?

[Edwin Starr]

In my boxing days I had an impeccable record in 99 fights .

 

On my hundredth fight I ruined it .

 

I won it.

[Don Fonte]

1 minute ago, Sooper-hanz said:

What’s brown and sticky?

 

 

 

 

Eni Aluko?

[sheepcrooky]

I went to a zoo yesterday. 
 

It only had one dog. 
 

It was a shih tzu.   

[BaaBaaRedSheep]

A black man goes to the doctors with a frog on his head.

The doctor asks "what appears to be the problem " to which the frog replies "well it started with a blackhead on my arse".

[Misers Hill]

10 minutes ago, BaaBaaRedSheep said:

A black man goes to the doctors with a frog on his head.

The doctor asks "what appears to be the problem " to which the frog replies "well it started with a blackhead on my arse".

Tremendous 

[johnstrac]

1 minute ago, Sooper-hanz said:

What’s pink and smells of ginger? 

Something belonging to Christian Horner ?

[Bournemouth Gee]

I asked my missus 'how come you never tell me when you orgasm?'

She said 'it's cos you're never there'

[Bournemouth Gee]

Why did princess di cross the road?

She wasn't wearing a seatbelt 

[Guest Grays Babylon 1875]

Putin is planning to build a Russian base on the moon.

 Astronauts will move there for good. At a press conference, a reporter asks the astronauts if they really want to spend the rest of their lives in a “cold, lifeless” place. The astronauts respond: “No, this is why we are moving to the moon"

[Guest Grays Babylon 1875]

Russian guy goes to USA for an eye test.

The Doctors shows an eye chart that reads: CZWXNQSTAZKY. The Doctor asks: Can you read this? The Russian man replies: Not only can I read it. I even know the guy, he’s my cousin.

[Edwin Starr]

1 hour ago, maryhilldon said:

Love Sinead O'Connor.

Nothing compares .

[ericblack4boss]

Have you heard police are closing in on the calendar robber,

They say his days are numbered, and when he goes to court, he will get 12 months.

[don corleone]

I'm a bomb disposal expert, I was recently called out to defuse an explosive device at Edinburgh Airport. When I opened the casing, I found that the bomb was full of scrabble tiles, if that thing had gone off it could have spelt disaster. 

[BaaBaaRedSheep]

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs coming up yer front path.

[Misers Hill]

Heard the one about 🇨🇮Gynecologist 🤔 painted his hallway thru the letterbox....

 

 

 

 

 

[BaaBaaRedSheep]

Is that a donut or a meringue?

No you're right enough it's a donut. 

[BaaBaaRedSheep]

Then there was the Irish kamikaze pilot.

He's just back from his 12th successful mission. 

[don corleone]

A horse walks into a bar, the bar man asks, why the long face. The horse let's out a heavy sigh and replies, my alcoholism is slowly tearing my family apart. 

[Ke1t]

A rabbi and an imam are standing at a bus stop. 

The Imam turns to the rabbi and says, "When's the next bus due?"

And the rabbi says, "Should be here in 5 minutes." 

 

[maryhilldon]

How was copper wire invented?

Two Jews fighting over a 1p.

[Guest Matt Armstrong's Dog]

21 hours ago, Don Fonte said:

Eni Aluko?

She's slippery as a moray eel min, not sticky.