The Official Afc Chat Joke Thread

[uni_don]

Because I should be studying I've been reading jokes all day and thought I'd set up a proper joke thread on here so we can collect good (subjective) ones together rather than starting new threads all the time.

 

Here's the first.

 

------------------------

 

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

 

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

 

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

 

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

 

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

 

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

 

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy"

 

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."

 

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

 

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

 

Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"

 

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!"

 

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

 

Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):

 

"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

 

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

 

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

 

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

 

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."

 

Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

 

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"

 

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur friggs sake, where did all these English *******ds come from?"

 

Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"

 

Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on fook'in Tuesday!!"

[redtildead88]

Two junky pakistanis injected curry powder instead of heroin, they got rushed to hospital. One's in a korma and the other got a dodgy tikka.

[Nespa]

Two English businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in

their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few

shelves set up.

 

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist

is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what

we're selling.'

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a

curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad

Scottish accent asked

 

'What are you selling' here

 

One of the men replied sarcastically,

'We're selling arse-holes.'

 

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,

 

'You are doing well ... Only two left!'

[DonCurlyHorny]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing

 

in the playground during their break time.

 

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing

 

this playtime?'

 

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard,

 

I will give you a biscuit'

 

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

 

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing

 

in your playtime?'

 

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell "box" on the blackboard,

 

I will also give you a biscuit'

 

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

 

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing

 

in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

 

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me.

 

Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me

 

and calling me nasty names'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like

 

blatant racial discrimination to me.

 

 

 

I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination"

 

I will give you a biscuit'

[uni_don]

Why I fired my secretary:

 

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

 

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,

"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,

"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Sobbing...

Naked...

and erect.

[vikaben]

Three Englishmen are in a pub and spot a Scotsman at the bar.

The first one says he's going to piss him off. So he walks over to the Scotsman, taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey Jock, I hear your St.Andrew was a poof."

 

"Oh aye really? Hmm, I didnae ken that."

 

Puzzled, the Englishman walks back to his buddies. "I told him St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"

 

"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn" says his friend.

 

So this second Englishman walks over and taps the Scotsman on the shoulder.

 

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"

 

"Jings, I didnae ken that either! Cheers pal."

 

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman goes back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

 

But the the third Englishman says "No, no, no, I'll really piss him off, you just watch."

 

So he wanders over to the Scotsman, taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

 

"Aye, so yer mates were sayin...."

[Tommy]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda in Dundee with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

The door greeter says, "Good Morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 7 and the younger one, she's 3. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya dickead?"

 

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

[uni_don]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking any more tonight Paddy."

Paddy replies, "Ok Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "sh*t" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "sh*t!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way", but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub!"

[Aberdeen_Ladette]

Three Englishmen are in a pub and spot a Scotsman at the bar.

The first one says he's going to piss him off. So he walks over to the Scotsman, taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey Jock, I hear your St.Andrew was a poof."

 

"Oh aye really? Hmm, I didnae ken that."

 

Puzzled, the Englishman walks back to his buddies. "I told him St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"

 

"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn" says his friend.

 

So this second Englishman walks over and taps the Scotsman on the shoulder.

 

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"

 

"Jings, I didnae ken that either! Cheers pal."

 

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman goes back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

 

But the the third Englishman says "No, no, no, I'll really piss him off, you just watch."

 

So he wanders over to the Scotsman, taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

 

"Aye, so yer mates were sayin...."

 

:thumbs:

 

[csdonz]

bit old but still good...

 

God is sitting in his personalized seat that reads

[Iraq_Red]

These two minky housewife

[chaos_defrost]

I was at a U2 concert in London last week and the band stopped playing mid-song and Bono started to clap his hands above his head *clap, clap, clap, clap* then the crowd started to join in *CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP*... "Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies" proclaimed Bono to which the guy standing in front of me shouted "Well, stop frigging clapping your hands then you prick!"

[Dynamo]

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

 

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

 

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

-----------------------

 

How do you get a fat bird into bed?

 

Piece of cake!

-----------------------

Whats the most confusing day in Glasgow?

 

 

 

Fathers day!

[Guest SS RED]

I was at a U2 concert in London last week and the band stopped playing mid-song and Bono started to clap his hands above his head *clap, clap, clap, clap* then the crowd started to join in *CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP*... "Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies" proclaimed Bono to which the guy standing in front of me shouted "Well, stop frigging clapping your hands then you prick!"

 

 

Nae bad.

[Guest glasgowdon]

There are 10 types of people that understand binary: those who do and those who do not.

[redtildead88]

There's an englishman, a scotsman, a cuban and a pakistani on a boat.

 

The scotsman goes: my country's the best country in the world, look at this (he pulls out a bottle of whisky from his jacket, swigs a bit and throws it in the sea), then says: there's plenty more where that came from.

 

Then the cuban goes: no, my country's the best(then pulls out a cuban cigar, has a big puff, then throws it in the sea), then goes: there's plenty more where that came from.

 

The englishman then goes, well my country's sh*t(then picks up the pakistani and throws him in the sea), then goes: there's plenty more where that came from!

[Guest SS RED]

The PC brigade will be here in a minute redtilldead.....

[redtillidie]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

 

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

 

'No,' she replies. . .

 

Wait for it. .

 

 

 

It's coming. .

 

 

 

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

 

 

 

 

She says:

You just happened to catch my eye.'

 

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

[Old Wing Stand]

Two muslims drop dead in Tesco, as they say "Every little helps"

[DonCurlyHorny]

What's the best thing about shagging 25 year olds? There's 20 of them!

[robbo]

father walks into his son's room and says, "son, if you masturbate, you'll go blind." the kid says, "dad, i'm over here."

[paddy]

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

 

 

Gang Rape

 

 

 

Sorry.

[E-P-K]

What has a 9Volt battery and a womans bum hole got in common ?

 

You know its wrong, But sooner or later you will put you tongue on it !

[redtildead88]

Two muslims drop dead in Tesco, as they say "Every little helps"

 

Thats class. heard that at roy chubby brown in 2006 but he said - i seen two asylum seekers get stabbed outside tescos, well, every little helps! Quality.

[redtildead88]

A mans wife dies in Israel whilst on holiday.

 

The officials say, we can bury your wife here for

[redtildead88]

Drinking non-alcohol beer's like giving your sister a lickout, it tastes the same but it's just not right.

[Old Wing Stand]

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm ? The McCartneys

 

But really we shouldn't make fun of macca.After all will he get another woman to fill her shoe ?

[Walt Flanagan's Dog]

what do you call a train that doesn't stop at any stations?

 

Thomas the *******d.

[Old Wing Stand]

Was so depressed last night that I rang The Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan.

Told them I was suicidal,they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.........

[redtillidie]

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!".

Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt".

A little worried, the man decides to play the slot machine. As he puts a coin in the bandit he hears a harsh voice say, "You ugly nut."

Looking around there's still no-one around.

A couple of seconds later the second voice said, "frigg off you ugly tosser!"

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices, one saying nice things, and one being really offensive, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"Ah" answered the bartender. "the peanuts...they're complimentary, but the bandit's out of order."

 

 

Why Do Women...

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?

A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time.