Best Jokes At The Fringe Festival

[StandFree1982]

f**k me, if these are the best jokes then i'd hate to have seen some of the normal ones. One or two of them were alright.

 

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

 

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

 

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

 

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

 

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

 

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

 

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

 

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

 

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

 

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

 

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

 

 

The WORST joke was from Paul Daniels which went something like:

 

My mate asked me the other day if there was a B&Q in Henley, I replied "No, but there is an H, an E, an N, an L, an E and a Y"

 

[Nelly]

Average at best, but I liked no.10

[amancalledbuck]

Pish.

[tommo1903]

7 is ok.

 

I quite liked the Paul Daniels one.

[Tommy]

Number 11 was my personal favourite.

 

 

 

 

Phone rings, woman answers.

 

 

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says,

 

"Have you got a tight unshaven c**t....?"

 

 

 

 

 

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching telly.

Who shall I say is calling?"

[diamondsr4ever]

no 1 for me and no 10....

[ebbe]

f**k me, if these are the best jokes then i'd hate to have seen some of the normal ones. One or two of them were alright.

 

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

 

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

 

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

 

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

 

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

 

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

 

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

 

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

 

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

 

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

 

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

 

 

The WORST joke was from Paul Daniels which went something like:

 

My mate asked me the other day if there was a B&Q in Henley, I replied "No, but there is an H, an E, an N, an L, an E and a Y"

 

 

pretty average like! see tim vine has ripped off one of stuart francis' jokes. instead of farting in a lift he's used "multi storey car park crime".

[deco_1985]

Quite partial to terrible jokes, Tim Vine especially! He won the award last year for best joke which was:

 

"just back from a once in a lifetime trip - never again!"

 

[boboisared]

Must be the way they told them.

[phoenix]

Come ON!

 

They are ALL f**king funny.

 

Your generation are sooooo blas

[Dandyesque]

Come ON!

 

They are ALL f**king funny.

 

Your generation are sooooo blas

[StandFree1982]

Come ON!

 

They are ALL f**king funny.

 

Your generation are sooooo blas

[spamspamspam]

They are all pretty sh*t IMO

 

 

Milton Jones is the king of 1 liners in my book, not a fan of the one liner usually but this guy can deliver them.

 

I have an Aunty called Jean, who's best friend is called Jean, she has a daughter called Jean who's cousin is called Jean, and her mothers called... Jean.

 

They all went to a nightclub and the doorman said...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry you cant come in, your all wearing trainers

 

The Pollen Count... now there's a difficult job

 

My grandad has developed a fool proof way of avoiding the hike in fuel prices.

 

He died.

 

My other granddad had a very short-lived breathing problem.

 

He drowned.

 

My other granddad... and so on

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FopcSCMIXY

[minijc]

Tim Vine is great his joke "Velcro, what a rip off" is one of my favourite jokes.

 

As for Milton, sent to see him live he was really good, soo many jokes i couldn't remember them all.

[Henry]

That could be you this time next year Mini!!

[Monkey]

pretty average like! see tim vine has ripped off one of stuart francis' jokes. instead of farting in a lift he's used "multi storey car park crime".

Another good "one liner" comedian although he appears to have gotten over his grape crushing addiction.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWH5XubGKLA

[ebbe]

They are all pretty sh*t IMO

 

 

Milton Jones is the king of 1 liners in my book, not a fan of the one liner usually but this guy can deliver them.

 

I have an Aunty called Jean, who's best friend is called Jean, she has a daughter called Jean who's cousin is called Jean, and her mothers called... Jean.

 

They all went to a nightclub and the doorman said...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry you cant come in, your all wearing trainers

 

The Pollen Count... now there's a difficult job

 

My grandad has developed a fool proof way of avoiding the hike in fuel prices.

 

He died.

 

My other granddad had a very short-lived breathing problem.

 

He drowned.

 

My other granddad... and so on

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FopcSCMIXY

 

bri. went to see him at the music hall 2 months back, funny as.......... started his set ripping into tillydrone.

 

here's some nae bad eens;

 

my mate, he's hard. he has 5 black belts....................he's a wasp.

 

my grandad worked with kebabs all his life he loved his job so we buried him with his tools, but i've said enough he'll be spinning in his grave as we speak.

 

i went for a cider with my mate dave last week but we didn't reach the bar, he was killed by a stray arrow.

[grantos83]

ive seen stewart francis, milton jones and tim vine all within the last couple of weeks and id say stewart came out on top. all 3 hilarious though.

 

still, nothing beats jimmy carr (who i saw last night) but totally different comedian to the other 3

[centraldon]

pretty average like! see tim vine has ripped off one of stuart francis' jokes. instead of farting in a lift he's used "multi storey car park crime".

No idea who came up with it but that joke (the farting one) has been doing the rounds for ages. Blatant plagiarism. And made it worse.

[muttondressedaslamb]

Marriage: Betting someone half your sh*t that you'll love them forever

 

Saw this on a FB page of a friend who is divorcing

[robbo]

ive seen some absolute howlers the last 3 weeks here. its amazing how low the standard is when you give some of these "free" shows a chance. only seen 1 guy who was any good. so good that i sought out his hour long show last week and to be fair to him, he was very good.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLryv2px3Gk

 

there was 1 girl who was so bad that she didnt get a single laugh in her 15 min slot. it was painful. we were sitting there in awkward silence. the only laugh during her slot was from a heckle. she said shes got a talent for doing impressions of cows from different countries. so basically she said moooo in a scottish accent, then an irish one and so forth. silence..... she then opened it up to the audience and said she was so good, we could give her any country and shed be able to do that accent. so someone asked for a zimbabwe one. that got a laugh. that was it. she managed the impression which was alright....but by f**k she was awful.

 

sweeping statement here....but 99% of women comedians are terrible.

[Big Man]

ive seen some absolute howlers the last 3 weeks here. its amazing how low the standard is when you give some of these "free" shows a chance. only seen 1 guy who was any good. so good that i sought out his hour long show last week and to be fair to him, he was very good.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLryv2px3Gk

 

there was 1 girl who was so bad that she didnt get a single laugh in her 15 min slot. it was painful. we were sitting there in awkward silence. the only laugh during her slot was from a heckle. she said shes got a talent for doing impressions of cows from different countries. so basically she said moooo in a scottish accent, then an irish one and so forth. silence..... she then opened it up to the audience and said she was so good, we could give her any country and shed be able to do that accent. so someone asked for a zimbabwe one. that got a laugh. that was it. she managed the impression which was alright....but by f**k she was awful.

 

sweeping statement here....but 99% of women comedians are terrible.

 

I'd extend that to 99.999%. Ive seen a fair few female comedians at the fringe.

 

Probably the best one was Shappy Khorsandi or maybe Zoe lyons, but in an absolute context even they were quite sh*t.

 

Ive laughed at jokes and sketches written by females, but i've yet to ever piss my pants and get that bellyache feeling after seeing a female comedian.

 

Woman just aren't that funny.