What Do You Do To Annoy Your Woman

[Ke1t]

Cleaning out the garage of a year or more's accumulated sh*te... the stuff you don't want to throw out but don't want cluttering the hoose. Finding some pretty cool stuff I had no idea we even had... diver's flippers, rollerblades. box full of halloween sweeties (yaaaas).

 

So I've probably thrown about 20 bags of rubbish out to the kerb (including the diver's flippers and the rollerblades), everything's going. Found a bag FULL of handbags that the wife has stuck out there... some still with the price tag on). Hoyed that b*stard oot inna.

 

So the wife sees all the bags at the kerb and says... "What have you thrown out?"

 

Which seems like a fairly innocuous, innocent question, but the wife suffers from some mild OCD. So her question was, to put it mildly, f**king loaded. A bit like a heroin addict standing next to you, shivering, and going, "So, heroin's pretty good, eh?" It's not just a conversational question, because if you say, "Aye, it's awright." you know he's going to be all, "See us some smack, eh, pal? Gonnae gees some yer pooder, eh? C'moan now, ahm hurtin' here, sees some, eh? Where ye keep it? Is it in yer poakets, is it? Sees fits in yer poakets, eh, pal? Is it in yer shoes? eh? "

 

So anyway, given I know the answer that's MOST going to wind her up, I go right ahead and give her that answer.

 

"Dunno... stuff."

 

"Yes, but what stuff."

 

"Y'know... stuff and that. Paper and things."

 

"What paper? What was on the paper? Was it personal stuff? What was on the paper? Did you check it first?"

 

"Just stuff.. oh and an old carpet."

 

"But did you check the paper before you threw it out? Was there personal information on it? Was it old bills? What was it?"

 

"And an old Makita drill... didnae work ony mair. It got the heave."

 

She's getting pretty frantic about what's on the paper now, and she's looking at the kerb like a fat kid looks at peanut butter.... so it's time to lay the big one on her.

 

"And a bag of your purses."

 

"What was on the paper? Was it..... purses? what purses."

 

"Bug o aboot tain purses. They're oot there inna. Found them in the corner of the garage, figured you were throwing them."

 

Immediately she's sprinting to the kerb, yelling at me that I can't throw her stuff out, and what bag are her purses in, and what's on the paper, and was there personal information on the paper, and what bag is the paper in and I know not to just throw stuff out without her express permission....

 

She's tearing through the buckets at the kerbside, and the loon's asking, "Daddy.. what's mommy doing?"

 

"She's raking the buckets, Calum. Mommy's raking the buckets."

 

So me and the loon were pointing at her and taunting her with cries of "Bucket raker! Bucket raker!" and she's got all the rubbish bags laid out on the grass trying to find which is the bag with the paper and which is the bag with the purses and she's holding up a pair of flippers as though to say "FLIPPERS?" and me and the loon are aboot greeting wi laughter and she's going f**king mental and it's pretty obvious Kelt's nae getting any for about a month.... but by f**k it was worth it for the lulz alone.

 

So that was us this afternoon.

 

How do you push your birds buttons, Kelt's interested to know.

 

[barassie_afc]

Going in dry

[Nealey]

Cleaning out the garage of a year or more's accumulated sh*te... the stuff you don't want to throw out but don't want cluttering the hoose. Finding some pretty cool stuff I had no idea we even had... diver's flippers, rollerblades. box full of halloween sweeties (yaaaas).

 

So I've probably thrown about 20 bags of rubbish out to the kerb (including the diver's flippers and the rollerblades), everything's going. Found a bag FULL of handbags that the wife has stuck out there... some still with the price tag on). Hoyed that b*stard oot inna.

 

So the wife sees all the bags at the kerb and says... "What have you thrown out?"

 

Which seems like a fairly innocuous, innocent question, but the wife suffers from some mild OCD. So her question was, to put it mildly, f**king loaded. A bit like a heroin addict standing next to you, shivering, and going, "So, heroin's pretty good, eh?" It's not just a conversational question, because if you say, "Aye, it's awright." you know he's going to be all, "See us some smack, eh, pal? Gonnae gees some yer pooder, eh? C'moan now, ahm hurtin' here, sees some, eh? Where ye keep it? Is it in yer poakets, is it? Sees fits in yer poakets, eh, pal? Is it in yer shoes? eh? "

 

So anyway, given I know the answer that's MOST going to wind her up, I go right ahead and give her that answer.

 

"Dunno... stuff."

 

"Yes, but what stuff."

 

"Y'know... stuff and that. Paper and things."

 

"What paper? What was on the paper? Was it personal stuff? What was on the paper? Did you check it first?"

 

"Just stuff.. oh and an old carpet."

 

"But did you check the paper before you threw it out? Was there personal information on it? Was it old bills? What was it?"

 

"And an old Makita drill... didnae work ony mair. It got the heave."

 

She's getting pretty frantic about what's on the paper now, and she's looking at the kerb like a fat kid looks at peanut butter.... so it's time to lay the big one on her.

 

"And a bag of your purses."

 

"What was on the paper? Was it..... purses? what purses."

 

"Bug o aboot tain purses. They're oot there inna. Found them in the corner of the garage, figured you were throwing them."

 

Immediately she's sprinting to the kerb, yelling at me that I can't throw her stuff out, and what bag are her purses in, and what's on the paper, and was there personal information on the paper, and what bag is the paper in and I know not to just throw stuff out without her express permission....

 

She's tearing through the buckets at the kerbside, and the loon's asking, "Daddy.. what's mommy doing?"

 

"She's raking the buckets, Calum. Mommy's raking the buckets."

 

So me and the loon were pointing at her and taunting her with cries of "Bucket raker! Bucket raker!" and she's got all the rubbish bags laid out on the grass trying to find which is the bag with the paper and which is the bag with the purses and she's holding up a pair of flippers as though to say "FLIPPERS?" and me and the loon are aboot greeting wi laughter and she's going f**king mental and it's pretty obvious Kelt's nae getting any for about a month.... but by f**k it was worth it for the lulz alone.

 

So that was us this afternoon.

 

How do you push your birds buttons, Kelt's interested to know.

 

Actually in tears laughing at that min!

[robbo]

im going to reply to this before i even read kelts rant....but ive got a feeling this is going to be up there with my all time favourite thread "is kelts bird dumber than his dog"

 

edit: wasnt disappointed.

[tightbreeks]

i leave knives on the bunker covered in big globs of nutella and peanut butter.

 

two towels into the shower?!

 

watch football!

[Pash]

Oh I do love story time with Kelt!

[stand_free]

A patronising pat on the head.

 

For example, she'll ask who Aberdeen are playing next weekend. I reply, "They're at Hearts". "That's in Edinburgh isn't it". Cue pat on head.

 

Drives her up the wall, as does if I whistle to get her attention.

 

It's because I'm "treating her like a dog". Same reason she hates being chained up outside Tesco while I shop...

[dervish]

but the wife suffers from some mild OCD. So her question was, to put it mildly, f**king loaded. A bit like a heroin addict standing next to you, shivering, and going, "So, heroin's pretty good, eh?" It's not just a conversational question, because if you say, "Aye, it's awright." you know he's going to be all, "See us some smack, eh, pal? Gonnae gees some yer pooder, eh? C'moan now, ahm hurtin' here, sees some, eh? Where ye keep it? Is it in yer poakets, is it? Sees fits in yer poakets, eh, pal? Is it in yer shoes? eh? "

 

So anyway, given I know the answer that's MOST going to wind her up, I go right ahead and give her that answer.

 

"Dunno... stuff."

 

"Yes, but what stuff."

 

"Y'know... stuff and that. Paper and things."

 

"What paper? What was on the paper? Was it personal stuff? What was on the paper? Did you check it first?"

 

"Just stuff.. oh and an old carpet."

 

"But did you check the paper before you threw it out? Was there personal information on it? Was it old bills? What was it?"

 

"And an old Makita drill... didnae work ony mair. It got the heave."

 

She's getting pretty frantic about what's on the paper now, and she's looking at the kerb like a fat kid looks at peanut butter.... so it's time to lay the big one on her.

 

"And a bag of your purses."

 

"What was on the paper? Was it..... purses? what purses."

 

"Bug o aboot tain purses. They're oot there inna. Found them in the corner of the garage, figured you were throwing them."

 

 

 

sh*t I was killing myself reading that, full on snorting with it. Never do that either.

 

My GF has two ideas of illness one says "I'm sick" and the other is "haha you're not really ill" so for example I break my toe after having a bed break onto my foot = "hahaha you're funny" while for her "oh it's cold I'm scared I might be sick" rapidly followed by "I'm sick". So if I don't take one of her hypochondria espo serious it can be quite funny "you don't support me, this is horrible" "but you aren't ill..." "at least my friends support me" she's french and has a full on fantasy pharmacy with her at all times... which the doc she has to pay sells her but still the health system is way better there apparently than "poor british hospitals" where she got seen in 2mins and had to pay nothing for the drugs she got when she was here once... shyyyte. But the best crack is to slate france. For example to call into question that the americans (oh and the french?!?!?!) did everything on D-Day and Britain and the rest of the empire just watched....

[a1-don]

its a two way thing. if she annoys me first i'll annoy her back, usually in a more childish way.

 

The random cutlery and glasses she tells me not to put in the dishwasher goes straight back in there as soon as she's not looking. Despite it coming out spotlessly clean and unblemished, she finds this some sort of insult.

 

If she wakes me up in the middle of the night for snoring, I'll pretend to go back to sleep again and fake snore.

 

Despite the endless times I've told her she'll lose her keys and purse if she keeps leaving them in random places around the house and the amount of time we've wasted hunting for them in the past, she still does it, so I simply hide them for a little while to illustrate my point.

 

 

There is a whole site of these sorts of things: link

[robbo]

 

 

There is a whole site of these sorts of things: link

 

can i just thank you briefly for changing my life. i went to read the top 3 or 4......ive now been sat here since you posted laughing my tits off. the xmas present had me doubled over. its genuinely hard to pick out a favourite.

[Dandyesque]

I make a clicking noise with my tongue and teeth to get her to catch up or cross the road.

 

Like a giddy-up sort of noise.

[The Boofon]

"kerb"?

 

"mommy"?

 

where were you born and raised?

 

 

As he'll be asleep just now I'll answer for him.

 

Aberdeen.

 

I say kerb as well. What the hell would you call it?

 

Mommy will be what his loon says as he's been brouhgt up in USA.

 

Simple stuff.

[Nespa]

Since we moved in last year these seems to be the top eight things i do to p1ss her off (most on purpose just for fun)

 

1 Farting at the dinner table

2 Not folding the hand towel in the bathroom (On Purpose)

3 Not fluffing the cushions on the couch after i lie down (On Purpose)

4 Leaving washed plates on the dryer (On Purpose)

5 No taking ma shoes off when i come in (On Purpose)

6 buying alot of trainers

7 refusing to go to bed when drunk even though i can hardly bite ma finger

8 at adverts between programmes turning over to SSN (On Purpose)

 

and there is only one thing about her that p1sses me off! ......Moaning! mostly about all of the above!

[Bebo]

i dont like it, thats all.

 

a kerb? its a fookin pavement

 

The Kerb is different from the pavement. Never played Kerby as a kid with a basketball?

[Pash]

i dont like it, thats all.

 

a kerb? its a fookin pavement

 

We call it a kerb to.

 

An American pavement is a sidewalk.

[HughMungus]

Great piece K1elt...

 

My beloved spouse gets very annoyed when I use the cattle prod to stop her snoring (the only fekkin spark in oor bedroom these days)..she gets affa upset...HUGE over reaction...

[Henry]

im going to reply to this before i even read kelts rant....but ive got a feeling this is going to be up there with my all time favourite thread "is kelts bird dumber than his dog"

 

edit: wasnt disappointed.

 

I presume you annoy your other half by sello-taping a picture of Kelt over her face whilst riding.

 

Great piece K1elt...

 

My beloved spouse gets very annoyed when I use the cattle prod to stop her snoring (the only fekkin spark in oor bedroom these days)..she gets affa upset...HUGE over reaction...

 

Again, I presume you annoy your other half by being a raging alcoholic. Would be annoying, like.

[madjockmcferson]

Since we moved in last year these seems to be the top eight things i do to p1ss her off (most on purpose just for fun)

 

1 Farting at the dinner table

2 Not folding the hand towel in the bathroom (On Purpose)

3 Not fluffing the cushions on the couch after i lie down (On Purpose)

4 Leaving washed plates on the dryer (On Purpose)

5 No taking ma shoes off when i come in (On Purpose)

6 buying alot of trainers

7 refusing to go to bed when drunk even though i can hardly bite ma finger

8 at adverts between programmes turning over to SSN (On Purpose)

 

and there is only one thing about her that p1sses me off! ......Moaning! mostly about all of the above!

 

Apparently our towels are colour coded for the bathroom. I didnt know this when I thought I'd be good and clean them and put them back. She went nuts saying "its colour co-ordinated, can't you see that". .... I'm like, there is more important things in life. She didnt like that.

 

Women are mental about that sh*t.

[Quagmire]

I dont do it on purpose but my lack of chat when out drinking with my mates seems to really annoy her. No matter how many times i've told her its a pet hate of mine people sitting on their phones all night when in the pub. I'd actually like to go back to the days before mobiles!

[StandFree1982]

Farting ANYWHERE and EVERYWHERE, but in bed really pisses her off

Nah making the bed. She loathes that with a passion, so it's always nice to see her face when she walks into the bedroom and see the sheets in the same position as I left them in the morning.

Pointing out scantily clad women in town Although now and again she points out girls for me, which is sweet. "Those are very short shorts, you'll like them i'm sure" awesome.

[StandFree1982]

I dont do it on purpose but my lack of chat when out drinking with my mates seems to really annoy her. No matter how many times i've told her its a pet hate of mine people sitting on their phones all night when in the pub. I'd actually like to go back to the days before mobiles!

I had an ex like that who would complain if I didnt text her frequently during a night out! One f**king hand is on a pint, the other is probably in my pocket! I'm not putting my pint down to drop her a text going "I love you...erm....yeah, still in same pub, chatting about tits and ass and discussing the fact that you don't 'put out'. Have a good night hunny x". If you didn't text back you'd find 3 or 4 hundreds texts going:

 

"hello,hows your night going?"

"HELLO? oviously you aren't thinking of me"

"You alive? HELLO"

 

then you get the "I LOVE YOU" one, which is then followed fairly quickly by:

 

"I'm going to bed...thanks for reply to my texts..."

 

Basically, NOT replying to girls texts is a great way to really annoy them!

[Stoney]

Im perfect in every way shape and form.

 

her list is as follows.

 

Leaving one square of bog roll on the holder - just f**king change it.

Leaving the lid off the biscuit tin........then moaning the biscuits are soft.

Throwing out my cheese - because it smells.

[The Boofon]

I annoy the missus by failing to grow a money tree that produces nice crisp 20's. Or at least I think that's the reason as she's currently sulking at me laughing at her proposal to fit a new bathroom upstairs and change the big bathroom downstaris into a second sitting room with a big arch way knocked through the wall for added effect so you can walk from the dining room to this new sitting room.

 

When I pointed out the minor drawbacks of this idea (it'll cost a f**king fortune) she just looked at me with distain.

 

Funnily enough she's away into the bath that she wants rid of. She's away for some peace and to relax as she loves a good bath and loves our bathroom .

 

Grade A fruitcake.

[StandFree1982]

The girlfriend grinds the underside of the car against the bloody kerb coming out of the car park, then proceeds to blame the KERB for being there, not being noticeable and for being too high! For starters, it's the same height as every other kerb on the street, the kerb also is part of the pacement at the side of the car park which is very noticeble if you just look at your bloody wing mirrors!

 

She also doesn't like it when I have a go at her for pulling out infront of cars on a junction/roundabout (my car she is driving mind...) TWICE in the space of 20 feet! (Asda Portlethen car park).

 

Don't think it's exclusively her though, I think all women have a tendancy to just not pay attention on the road because they are talking to you about something which is irrelevant and they completely shut down any thoughts on driving a car! She's forever in the wrong lane because shes too busy chatting and pulling out infront of people cause, you guessed it, too busy chatting!

[Lauro]

Apart from 3 and 5, I'm pretty similar to yourself Nespa.

 

4. I just leave the plates on the floor.

 

The ones I took out, I randomly do 3. myself - just get it in my heed to do it for whatever reason. 5. I always take my shoes off at the door, cream carpets shows dirt, so I'm in the habit of taking them off at the door.

 

Along with everything else!!!

[Quagmire]

When my bird comes on a forum i post on and starts a domestic infront of the boys.

[Lauro]

I've been on here longer than i've been with him - feels like a lifetime!

[Quagmire]

Dont hold back now

[Lauro]

[Dandyesque]

When my bird comes on a forum i post on and starts a domestic infront of the boys.