School Daze

[Bobby Connor]

Following on from the 'Homework' thread. Tell the stories and relive the most mental and hysterical happenings from your youth here.

 

I look forward to contributions from Tommy, RTYD and Dom especially.

[Bobby Connor]

Anyway, I'll start.

 

Memory is hazy about specifics. To get to RE from whatever class before (canna mind) you either had to take a fucking mile long trip around the school to the other wing or you could simply cut through ma Fraser's English class which bridged the two sections. Me and this lassie (who I still know quite well) decided to cut through the English class to save time.

 

Ma Fraser was less than impressed and comes out with 'oh, just come marching through my room without so much as a by your leave'.

 

I think the lassie I was with didna really get it as she just came straight out with 'Bye!' and we went marching on.

 

Nae really mental or hysterical but one that made me chuckle at the time and has always stuck in my mind.

[E-P-K]

Geeks and swots need not reply, unless you have humerus stories of being dunked down the bog, or hut on the face with a fud-pucker.

 

 

Only the strongest survive, the weak never recover, ever.

[Bobby Connor]

The boy who (allegedly) tried to glue pubes to his scrotum. For ever afterwards to be know as 'Simmie Superglue'.

[E-P-K]

P6, Normal hardline teacher off work for extended period of time, temp teacher called in, Miss Fisher, first job since graduating, the fear in here eyes was evident that first Monday morning of term.

 

Unfortunate that in that particular class it was full of edjits, In hindsight, several childhood memories and a teaching career was destroyed by a few, but as I said the strongest survive.

 

I will have many infamous stories to post about that 12 weeks.

[Dom Sullivan]

Following on from the 'Homework' thread. Tell the stories and relive the most mental and hysterical happenings from your youth here.

 

I look forward to contributions from Tommy, RTYD and Dom especially.

"Educated" at Aberdeen Grammar (which changed its name to Rubislaw Academy for a year - for reasons of political crapness).

 

Spent dinner money on cream (synthetic) donuts galore which were served through the railings by staff of Thains Bakery (cos the school wouldn't allow them on the premises).

 

Donuts and flees cemetaries.

 

Good wholesome food.

 

Detention most weeks for being tardy (that's late to you uneducated cunts), failing to do homework or general lethargy in the classroom.

 

Pinky Scott was the "detention master" an effiminate fellow who would mince around the corridors regaled in "master" robes and morter board cap - like something out of Goodbye Mr Chips

 

My German is not good - mainly because we played cards at the back of Ma Broon's German class. Oh, vie schade.

 

Rector of the Grammar back then was one Robert Gill, affectionately known as Trout.

 

Some real characters back then, both teachers and inmates.

 

Ours was the last year of "all boys".

 

Mucked about with Richard "Gongy" Gordon of Radio Scotland fame - plus several others who were all members of the Northern Lights Supporters Club.

 

Tommy is an Old Grammarian too - but he was one of the older boys

[Big Man]

I remember we had this great big smelly b*astard Mr Milton for tech studies - some other folk on here went to oldie?

 

He used to get us to build these pneumatic circuits - you basically stuck all these pieces on a big metal framework. Anyway some of the mechanical pieces were old and shit and didn't fit properly so he used to tell us to jam a 2p coin in-between them and the metal framework. He gave us a load of 2p coins for the task ahead and he said to us:

 

''Now boys these are my coins i know they are my coins because they have the queens head on them you see (being a funny cunt). Now i've counted how many coins there are here, and i'll count them all back at the end - off to work you go''.

 

Built this thing. He comes to check it and sais ''Right boys very good dismantle it and line the coins up there to be counted''. There was maybe about 20 x 2p

 

Off he fucks to his office, i start checking my pocket for change and sayin to the boys ''here give me your change''. We had a massive whip-round in the class and got all the 2p's and 1p's we had and made a massive snake all the way round his desk.

 

He comes back stunnned to see all these coins covering his desk (about 60 or 70 of them). ''What are all these coins doing here boys? Who's are they''.

 

So i picks up a coin, sarcastically like, and looks at it . ''Oh these must be yours look'' (showing it to him) - ''They've all got the queens head on them - see there'' (pointing at it).

 

Class erupts into laughter - i got sent outside. Ended up with 2 days after school detention.

 

Not particulalry bad like BC sais, but its always stuck in my mind.

[Bobby Connor]

Stand in German teacher. She wiz foreign and did the usual business of going around the class asking our names so she knew who we were. Every single name provided was made up, but the beezer was made by 'the draught exclude' (skinny lad whose second name is Macleod) who told her his name was 'Mongo'. Fucking hysterical every time she addressed him in class.

[E-P-K]

"Educated" at Aberdeen Grammar (which changed its name to Rubislaw Academy for a year - for reasons of political crapness).

 

Spent dinner money on cream (synthetic) donuts galore which were served through the railings by staff of Thains Bakery (cos the school wouldn't allow them on the premises).

 

Donuts and flees cemetaries.

 

Good wholesome food.

 

Detention most weeks for being tardy (that's late to you uneducated cunts), failing to do homework or general lethargy in the classroom.

 

Pinky Scott was the "detention master" an effiminate fellow who would mince around the corridors regaled in "master" robes and morter board cap - like something out of Goodbye Mr Chips

 

My German is not good - mainly because we played cards at the back of Ma Broon's German class. Oh, vie schade.

 

Rector of the Grammar back then was one Robert Gill, affectionately known as Trout.

 

Some real characters back then, both teachers and inmates.

 

Ours was the last year of "all boys".

 

Mucked about with Richard "Gongy" Gordon of Radio Scotland fame - plus several others who were all members of the Northern Lights Supporters Club.

 

Tommy is an Old Grammarian too - but he was one of the older boys

 

 

 

Not wrong there, Ali Crapp (not real surname) used to lock up unruly kids in a locker, locked, he would do time for that now.

 

And Jeff Jones, yes the Moray Firth Radio presenter, was a full time teacher, and as a punishment he would say "smack your self in the mouth" "harder" "harder" "HARDER" "HARDER" , until you had near KOd your self with out him touching you.

[Bobby Connor]

Not wrong there, Ali Crapp (not real surname) used to lock up unruly kids in a locker, locked, he would do time for that now.

 

And Jeff Jones, yes the Moray Firth Radio presenter, was a full time teacher, and as a punishment he would say "smack your self in the mouth" "harder" "harder" "HARDER" "HARDER" , until you had near KOd your self with out him touching you.

 

Haha! He sounds a belter!

[Dom Sullivan]

Remember being in English class with relatively young female teacher lecturing on the horrors of the Demon alcohol.

 

After explaining about the usual effects - hangover, damage to liver etc., she tries to be smart by saying "and for men it has "other" adverse effects too".

 

"Is that you talking from experience?" quoth a young Dom to which the class erupted in laughter and she ran from the room all red faced and flustered.

[Bobby Connor]

Remember being in English class with relatively young female teacher lecturing on the horrors of the Demon alcohol.

 

After explaining about the usual effects - hangover, damage to liver etc., she tries to be smart by saying "and for men it has "other" adverse effects too".

 

"Is that you talking from experience?" quoth a young Dom to which the class erupted in laughter and she ran from the room all red faced and flustered.

 

 

Mental MacGregor (our metalwork teacher) was the only one to give us advice on booze. 'Yer young and yer livers aren't used to it yet, so they canna cope and you will get drunk really quickly' was his sage advice.

 

Only conclusion from that was that ye need to practice!

[E-P-K]

Jeff Jones, the one time I was actually feart of a teacher.

 

He was our chemistry teacher and had forgot to lock the chemical store which was adjacent to the class room, it was normal procedure for hijinks to occur when the opportunity arouse, well he was away from the class for a while, so the chemical store was much like a Aladdin's cave.

 

Things got out of control quick, couple of kids found a bottle of chlorofolm and were inhaling copious amounts of that, another lad found a highly flammable source and ignited a bunsen burner that make the flame throwers in the Vietnam war look pishe, and finally 2 highly volatile chemicals mixed together, that goes piff puff boooom. Jeff JOnes walked in just as it went piff puff booom all up the walls, table, floor.

 

Apoplectic is an understatement. mass murder must of went through his mind. I skipped chemistry for the following week on the valid basis my life was at risk.

[The Boofon]

Not wrong there, Ali Crapp (not real surname) used to lock up unruly kids in a locker, locked, he would do time for that now.

 

And Jeff Jones, yes the Moray Firth Radio presenter, was a full time teacher, and as a punishment he would say "smack your self in the mouth" "harder" "harder" "HARDER" "HARDER" , until you had near KOd your self with out him touching you.

 

 

I'll put forward my mate Baker and his mucker Zu-zu throwing a bucket of water (a Wheelie bin sized one) over the top balcony outside Geography thinking they were about to drench a mate coming up the stairs. Unfortunately for them it was the Science teacher Werewolf coming up the stairs.

 

I still end myself laughing when he tells that story.

 

We locked the Art teacher Tam in his own cupboard once.

 

Scariest moment was being offered a square go by the mannie Clark in the back room of his class along with Bag Eyes and someone else I canna remember. In hindsight the three of us would have probably had him. Missed opportunity.

 

Weirdly as my missus is now a teacher there I sometimes end up on nights out with some of these bampots who were teachers back in my days.

[Dom Sullivan]

Remember a teacher at the Grammar by the name of William Williams.

 

Known as Bill Squared.

[Bobby Connor]

Mr Davidson was our biology teacher. Straight up, totally sound bloke. Kinda guy you would happily have a pint with as an adult. He took over coaching the school football team voluntarily after the public sector had a hissy fit about after hours activities.

 

He was also a Motherwell fan so the full human skeleton next to his desk was sporting a Motherwell home top. Looked brilliant!

 

He gave me a Motherwell fanzine which was funny as fuck because every team was referred to in their correct name apart from Rangers whose name was substituted for 'huns' throughout the entire publication. Wish I could find that.

[The Boofon]

Jeff Jones, the one time I was actually feart of a teacher.

 

He was our chemistry teacher and had forgot to lock the chemical store which was adjacent to the class room, it was normal procedure for hijinks to occur when the opportunity arouse, well he was away from the class for a while, so the chemical store was much like a Aladdin's cave.

 

Things got out of control quick, couple of kids found a bottle of chlorofolm and were inhaling copious amounts of that, another lad found a highly flammable source and ignited a bunsen burner that make the flame throwers in the Vietnam war look pishe, and finally 2 highly volatile chemicals mixed together, that goes piff puff boooom. Jeff JOnes walked in just as it went piff puff booom all up the walls, table, floor.

 

Apoplectic is an understatement. mass murder must of went through his mind. I skipped chemistry for the following week on the valid basis my life was at risk.

 

He was indeed a fucking nutter.

 

Mr Cole and the showers after fitba training. Now that made you go from a boy to a man.

[Dom Sullivan]

Jeff Jones, the one time I was actually feart of a teacher.

 

He was our chemistry teacher and had forgot to lock the chemical store which was adjacent to the class room, it was normal procedure for hijinks to occur when the opportunity arouse, well he was away from the class for a while, so the chemical store was much like a Aladdin's cave.

 

Things got out of control quick, couple of kids found a bottle of chlorofolm and were inhaling copious amounts of that, another lad found a highly flammable source and ignited a bunsen burner that make the flame throwers in the Vietnam war look pishe, and finally 2 highly volatile chemicals mixed together, that goes piff puff boooom. Jeff JOnes walked in just as it went piff puff booom all up the walls, table, floor.

 

Apoplectic is an understatement. mass murder must of went through his mind. I skipped chemistry for the following week on the valid basis my life was at risk.

That reminds me of the time we set fire to the gas taps which protruded from the desks in the science labs (at the Rosemount Annex) into which you plugged the hose for the bunsen burners.

 

Scorched the desk tops and could have roasted ourselves.

 

Science teacher had a hairy fit!

 

Detention again.............

[Bobby Connor]

Remember a teacher at the Grammar by the name of William Williams.

 

Known as Bill Squared.

 

[E-P-K]

I'll put forward my mate Baker and his mucker Zu-zu throwing a bucket of water (a Wheelie bin sized one) over the top balcony outside Geography thinking they were about to drench a mate coming up the stairs. Unfortunately for them it was the Science teacher Werewolf coming up the stairs.

 

I still end myself laughing when he tells that story.

 

We locked the Art teacher Tam in his own cupboard once.

 

Scariest moment was being offered a square go by the mannie Clark in the back room of his class along with Bag Eyes and someone else I canna remember. In hindsight the three of us would have probably had him. Missed opportunity.

 

Weirdly as my missus is now a teacher there I sometimes end up on nights out with some of these bampots who were teachers back in my days.

 

Remote control fart machine locked in Jock Shyte's desk drawer. "THE NEXT PERSON WHO BREAKS WIND IN MY CLASS, WILL BE VICTIM OF MY RIGHT BOOT UP THAT VERY PASSAGE AND BLOCKED FOR GOOD" complete silence for 3 seconds then the loudest rasp n parp known to man echoed the room. wipe out, game over, folk on the floor rolling about laughing, Jock Shyte now standing on his table going complete bonkers for silence in the room, only for deputy head master to walk in,

 

Explain that then Jock.

[ebbe]

everyday at northfield was particularly mental. we once locked our r.e teacher in her wee room at the back of her class. it was funny at the time but really harsh looking back now as she was chlostrophobic.(sp) anyway she was in there for a good hour as no-one outside the class could hear her screaming for help. she was only saved by mannie mackenzie who was teaching s.e in the open class outside,(well known football coach) after he heard 2 boys fighting. this was particularly funny as the 2 gadgies having a tear up knocked over the heaviest filing cabinet i'd ever seen blocking the door and mackenzie couldn't get in but we could see him threw the wee gap. never seen a man so angry, when he finally got in i swear i thought he was going to throw the 2 oot the 2nd floor window. he then let our r.e teacher oot her room at the back, who by this stage was well past the panic attack stage. after it all calmed down the entire class had an hours detention that night and the teacher had to be spoken out of phoning the police.

 

also watched a boy "jobby" was his name hit a substitute teacher dr capps, on the heid with a clipboard after she fell asleep during drama. that was fucking hilarious.

 

finally and possibly one of the funniest things i've ever seen; playing rounders in the big p.e hall (the dining hall) and this boy steps up. brick shit house, he doesn't realise that smashing the ball as hard as you can won't work indoors as it'll just fly back off the wall straight back. anyway up he steps, smashes the ba as expected launches the bat backwards clean aff the face o wiffee fulton nearly knocking her out, he charges round the 1st corner, flies round the 2nd onto the 3rd and he actually looks like he's going to make this when his fit catches on one of the dinner chairs linked round the whole room , trips and goes absolutely flying at about 60mph straight doon the line and into the door, causing utter carnage and about 30 chairs flying round the room. my mates still speak about it and the silence after broken by me AHAHAHA then everyone else joined in, fucking hilarious, he's doon in a knot, the teachers rolling about clutching her face and half the class is also on the deck unable to breathe for laughter. 20 minutes later he leaves the hall on a stretcher we an oxygen mask on and i'm still in hysterics. turns out he broke 2 ribs and hurt a spleen or something and the teacher split her lip and lost a knasher. can't describe quite how funny this was.

 

the boy didn't make it by the way and was struck out.

[OddJob]

That reminds me of the time we set fire to the gas taps which protruded from the desks in the science labs (at the Rosemount Annex) into which you plugged the hose for the bunsen burners.

 

Scorched the desk tops and could have roasted ourselves.

 

Science teacher had a hairy fit!

 

Detention again.............

That was a regular thing in my science class at St Machar

 

My registration class in 1st year especially were fucking nutters, a few of them always used to throw tables and chairs around the place if our teacher walked out the room for a minute. Tbh i doubt there's any stories from there i could tell that didn't happen anywhere else, all i can say is i actually miss school, was 4 years i wish i could re-live.

[Bobby Connor]

Ah fuck. School days were mintal. Obviously not gonna name names here.

 

I mind 3 of us got detention off the geography teacher. Me, ST and SM.

 

Me and ST decided to fuck over SM. It was for no other reason than outright cheeky badness. We basically told him 'no way are we turning up for this cunt's detention!'. SM agreed .

 

So he never turned up, but, of course, me an ST did.

 

'WHERE'S SM?' enquires the geog teach, aggressively.

 

'He said he wasn't coming' says ST. At this point in time I am having serious difficulty in suppressing my hysterics.

 

'He says you can ram it' continues ST. I thought I was going to explode in laughter. One of the best laughs ever. What a bollocking SM got the next day!

[Big Man]

This is not that bad, but for out and out piss your pantiness you could not beat computing studies.

 

Basically the class consisted of typing up assignments, printing them off there and then, and then handing them in to be marked. We used to pick a target, wait until they'd finished their assignment and had gone to the printer to collect, and then yank the power cord on their machine. Mayhem would always ensue...

 

Or, print 1000 copies whilst they were away doing something else...

 

For some reason, some c@nt also came up with the idea of chanting ''USA'' and banging on the tables and rattling our chairs everytime the teacher left the room. As we heard her coming back through the double doors we would settle into complete silence and pretend nothing had happened. An alternative version was, everytime she left the room we would stack all the chairs on top of their desks like it was time to go home and go and hide in the room next door or somewhere else. Taking all our bags and jacket with us. Then when she panicks and starts looking for us we file back in and get back to normal like nothing happened.

 

There was about 12 folk in the class so we could get away with whole class pranks like that...

[minijc]

I didn't like school, it was full of dicks, both teachers and pupils.

[E-P-K]

I didn't like school, it was full of dicks, both teachers and pupils.

 

You see, in a back to front way, it may of been the pupils who slagged about your weight that gave you the determination to lose the weight, or made you comfort eat, and get bigger. Either way, you can lay them out now.

 

Just had a flash back about "amanda hoor and the 12 fingers" high school disco, and she never had an xtra finger per hand. go figure.

[minijc]

You see, in a back to front way, it may of been the pupils who slagged about your weight that gave you the determination to lose the weight, or made you comfort eat, and get bigger. Either way, you can lay them out now.

 

Just had a flash back about "amanda hoor and the 12 fingers" high school disco, and she never had an xtra finger per hand. go figure.

Maybe but I now regret not sticking in at school, I didn't want to be there when i was because of the slaggings and that, teachers were dicks to me aswell which made it worse but I ust couldn't be bothered putting in the effort in classes to get grades and that, looking back that was silly.

[Bobby Connor]

Not exactly a school story, but when I was in Invergordon Academy and the fine gents I used to hang out with. Names hidden to protect the guilty...

 

We discovered, somehow, that you could shut down the lights in the whole estate by chucking a breeze block at this metal thing in front of the danger box (box that houses some electrical generator or exchange).

 

We spent weeks randomly battering the thing, cutting off everyone's electricity and all the street lighting for 30 mins at a time until the fuzz finally caught up with us. What followed was an exchange of words that I will never forget. Bearing in mind that the police only 'suspected' us at this point in time they were after our names and addresses.

 

I was first.

 

Cops: What's your name?

Me: It's xxxx Coates. It's spelt with an 'e'.

 

Next person:

 

Cops: And what's your name?

My mate: It's xxxx Thompson, with a 'p'.

 

Finally:

 

Cops: Tell us your name.

My mate: It's xxxx Ross, with an 's'.

 

[Pash]

After PE we were getting changed and the stores cupboard was in the boys changing room, so Ms MacFarlane, who was a really nice ladie but you could take the piss out of her and she didn't have a clue, was wanting to pack the equipment away, so she gave a knock on the door and shouted in to see if everyone was dressed, we all said yeah come in and when she came in we were all bollock naked and all screamed like girls and called her a pedo. Hahahahaha.

[Dandie1992]

1st year Computing studies... Class nutjob asks the teacher if he can go to the toilet, obviously for a fag or to bugger aff hame. Teacher is wise to this and tells him to sit doon and shut up. Teacher saunters to other end of class.

 

"watch this boys..."

"eh?! fit's goin on like!? Watch fit?" - we said as his face melted in mischief.

"quiet! So he doesnae ken!"

"eh? We still dinna ken fit y-" ... - we understood. and a quick peek under the desk confirmed our suspicions as the urine flowed gently but dangerously close to the massive power socket"

 

So we are bursting our chests not to laugh and then, as teacher walks back towards nutjob.

 

"I don't need the toilet anymore" - He says to the teacher, followed by 1 second of silence, then came a splatting, stereotypical pooping sound.

 

As the realization wafted (excuse the term) around the room. Bodies slumped on floor in laughter. Boys laughed to the point that it looked painful. COMPLETE MAYHEM.

 

The best bit was watching him get up, waddle through the room, and then the teacher lift the pishy chair and it flowing like emptying a wheelbarrow after a night of rain all over the place.

 

 

Other than that school was awful. Hated it. Left me with zero self confidence and repressed anger management issues with the usual anxiety, depression shite. But compared to having to put up with the half million English snobs who look at me and treat me like working class scum (partly because I am) here in Edinburgh...I would take it all back for 6 years of lesser misery and a period of pishy pooped seats.