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Top Tips

Bobby Connor

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Seems like the old thread got lost when the server went down.


Here's my start to a new thread. Not so much a 'Top Tip' as such but a corker nonetheless:


"PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn't just looking up the answer on the Internet?"

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High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.


Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.


Homeowners. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.

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CONVINCE people that you're a heavy smoker by painting your ceilings yellow.


FOOL your family into thinking they are shrinking by moving the bathroom mirror an inch higher before the morning.


SHOPLIFT without guilt or fear of prosecution by stealing only the "one free" from BOGOF offers.

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POTENTIAL EMPLOYERS - Crank up the pressure on 2nd job interviewees by playing some heartbreaking music in the background and clasp there hands with your own when they sit down and take an age to inform them if they have got the job or not.


FOOTBALL REFEREES. Theatrically dive on the floor grasping your ankle, when prima-donna players crowd into you demanding a card.

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REDUCE THE risk of night time fire by soaking all your furniture with a hosepipe before going to bed.

Gegsey, e-mail


FOOL YOUR boss into thinking that your alarm clock is broken by continually turning up late for work in the morning.

Kris Mortimer, e-mail


SINGLE MEN. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occassionally glancing inside.

Tubbs, e-mail

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  • 1 year later...

Cracking tips indeed Harcus, my life has just become officially EASIER.


Next time I'm at the baking, I must mind and hing my recipe book up on a trooser hanger from the knobs on the sideboard doors.


Not sure why I never thought of that before to be honest.




Definitely doing this one next time someone borrows

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