Bobby Connor Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Seems like the old thread got lost when the server went down. Here's my start to a new thread. Not so much a 'Top Tip' as such but a corker nonetheless: "PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn't just looking up the answer on the Internet?" Link to comment
swifty Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly. Link to comment
ericblack4boss Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 save on washing up just get your dog to lick the plates clean enjoy the atmosphere of attending a rally without leaving your own home................. stick your feet in a fridge and get the neighbours to come round and throw gravel in your face Link to comment
Cowie Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 If your a cunt - support rangers, you will blend in. Link to comment
swifty Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Mrs Tom Jones. Prevent your husband from bursting on a hot day by pricking him several times with a fork. Link to comment
russellh Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I know you folks think twitter is gay, but twop twips is probably the only reason you should sign up to follow. Link to comment
wanderingscotty Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. Link to comment
swifty Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks. Link to comment
The Boofon Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. Homeowners. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak. Link to comment
Henry Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 Fool people into thinking you've had an apple by saying 'mmm, that was a lovely apple'. Link to comment
Ando Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 CONVINCE people that you're a heavy smoker by painting your ceilings yellow. FOOL your family into thinking they are shrinking by moving the bathroom mirror an inch higher before the morning. SHOPLIFT without guilt or fear of prosecution by stealing only the "one free" from BOGOF offers. Link to comment
minijc Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 POTENTIAL EMPLOYERS - Crank up the pressure on 2nd job interviewees by playing some heartbreaking music in the background and clasp there hands with your own when they sit down and take an age to inform them if they have got the job or not. FOOTBALL REFEREES. Theatrically dive on the floor grasping your ankle, when prima-donna players crowd into you demanding a card. Link to comment
Henry Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 REDUCE THE risk of night time fire by soaking all your furniture with a hosepipe before going to bed.Gegsey, e-mail FOOL YOUR boss into thinking that your alarm clock is broken by continually turning up late for work in the morning.Kris Mortimer, e-mail SINGLE MEN. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occassionally glancing inside.Tubbs, e-mail Link to comment
Henry Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Some handy tips here - http://tedr.tumblr.com/post/33962636816/99-life-hacks-to-make-your-life-easier 1 Link to comment
tup Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Suicidal folk: Instead of taking an expensive paracetamol overdose as a cry for help, simply shout 'HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!' at the top of your voice, thus saving your cash for when you get released from hospital. Link to comment
looksgoodinred Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Some handy tips here - http://tedr.tumblr.com/post/33962636816/99-life-hacks-to-make-your-life-easier Doritos for kindling! who knew?! Link to comment
tup Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Cracking tips indeed Harcus, my life has just become officially EASIER. Next time I'm at the baking, I must mind and hing my recipe book up on a trooser hanger from the knobs on the sideboard doors. Not sure why I never thought of that before to be honest. Link to comment
Henry Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Cracking tips indeed Harcus, my life has just become officially EASIER. Next time I'm at the baking, I must mind and hing my recipe book up on a trooser hanger from the knobs on the sideboard doors. Not sure why I never thought of that before to be honest. Definitely doing this one next time someone borrows Link to comment
tup Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 If I make a bagel for my packed lunch sometime this week, rest assured it will be resplendent in an old blank CD spindle. Link to comment
Dandyesque Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 If you intend on tumble drying your bird's cat, don't post a video on youtube and show said bird the video. Link to comment
THE GRIM SHEEPER Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 If you want to buy a football strip use soccertriads.com Link to comment
muttonhumper Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Remove pocket fluff from boiled sweets by gently filing them with the edge of a matchbox. Link to comment
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