Best Man Speeches

[heppy1]

help ... i dont have a clue how or what to write for the speech am meant to be doing this saturday! anyone got any good tips? :banghead:

[Big Man]

How about something along the lines of:

 

''In time-honoured tradition i will now do my best to give loon the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of lassies life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of loon''

 

[Que piss your punts laughter from audience]

 

[K-9]

Shred the groom. As many dodgy stories as you can remember and if not enough just make up some extreme shit!!

[heppy1]

How about something along the lines of:

 

''In time-honoured tradition i will now do my best to give loon the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of lassies life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of loon''

 

[Que piss your punts laughter from audience]

 

sounds good too me ta!

[robbojunior]

Stand up,

 

Wait for silence, then say "fornication!"

 

Pause for a couple of seconds, look at your notes and correct yourself by saying "for an occasion such as this...."

[zander]

Talk about how many hoors he was with on his stagger

[Ke1t]

It depends on the folk at the wedding.

 

If you're not sure whether the bride's mother has a sense of humour or not, do NOT jump in with the thinly veiled accusation that she loves the cock up her arse. It might have you laughing like a drain while you're writing it, pished up on.. say.. Jack Daniels and Red Stripe... but believe me, it could come off more like a direct accusation rather than a jocular aside at the groom's future mother in law when you come out with it during the reception.

[ollie1903]

It depends on the folk at the wedding.

 

If you're not sure whether the bride's mother has a sense of humour or not, do NOT jump in with the thinly veiled accusation that she loves the cock up her arse. It might have you laughing like a drain while you're writing it, pished up on.. say.. Jack Daniels and Red Stripe... but believe me, it could come off more like a direct accusation rather than a jocular aside at the groom's future mother in law when you come out with it during the reception.

From personal experience?

[Sheep#1]

I've done the honours twice now and both seemed to go down well. Try and avoid all the usual standard, straight off the net jokes, everyone will have heard them before (aka above!) and think of stories unique to the man himself, always go down better (as long as they're not too o.t.t!)

[The Boofon]

I've done the honours twice now and both seemed to go down well. Try and avoid all the usual standard, straight off the net jokes, everyone will have heard them before (aka above!) and think of stories unique to the man himself, always go down better (as long as they're not too o.t.t!)

 

Take your mobile with you and get the master of ceremonies to call you just as you start the speech. Have a pretend conversation and then apologise for the call to the guests.

 

Explain that it was the groom's solicitor on the phone and give a tale of how he was in trouble on his stag night and got arrested. However his solicitor has just informed you that the charges have been dropped as the judge has just heard the groom has just been handed a life sentence. :thumbs:

[BrianFaePerth]

Always praise the burds involved in the wedding. Say they look lovely etc etc.

 

Doesnae matter how many times they hear it, whether it be fae you or the groom, ye canna go wrong.

[minijc]

Stand up,

 

Wait for silence, then say "fornication!"

 

Pause for a couple of seconds, look at your notes and correct yourself by saying "for an occasion such as this...."

Thing is, that would not be a surprise if heppy came out this that.

[Stoney]

Take your mobile with you and get the master of ceremonies to call you just as you start the speech. Have a pretend conversation and then apologise for the call to the guests.

 

Explain that it was the groom's solicitor on the phone and give a tale of how he was in trouble on his stag night and got arrested. However his solicitor has just informed you that the charges have been dropped as the judge has just heard the groom has just been handed a life sentence. :thumbs:

 

After my performance at my mates head wetting in edinburgo i was on my best behaviour at the stag do.........The best man however was not. Canna haud his whiskey

[seanthesheep]

After my performance at my mates head wetting in edinburgo i was on my best behaviour at the stag do.........The best man however was not. Canna haud his whiskey

 

 

I remember seeing one where the guy stood up and took a piece of paper oot his pocket and began something like "I knew Tom all my life and he was such a great person and will be sadly missed.......Ooops Sorry wrong speech" and then took another piece of paper out other pocket. Got a good few laughs and broke the tension.

[barassie_afc]

Plenty of books on the subject, but the best stories are the real life ones, assuming you can share. Also when reading out the cards throw in a few made up ones e.g.

 

From your best friend Johnny, sorry I couldnt be here but you didnt invite me, please send me a picture of the bride and groom..............mounted

[Nespa]

just finished ma mates for his wedding in March.....

 

just basically buried him for even tho being an intelligent guy his is so stupid and says the most idiotic things! so i did a top 10 things he has said! all made up but they are some beauties!...did a dry run in work the other day and it went down well.

 

this is my second time doing it! was really confident last time but ma @rse dropped at the last minute big time! got through it with few double grey goose!

[vanderark14]

I've done it twice now.

 

mix it up with some real stories about the groom and some traditional jokes then do your toast and you will be fine.

[Monkey]

Best one I ever saw was when the best man stood up and said " When writing this speech I ended up with enough stories and tales of [the groom's] adventures I realised I could of written three speeches." He then pulled out 3 envelopes from his pocket and said "so I did, but I don't have time to give all three so I'll leave it to fate and the condemned man, I mean happy groom to decide his fate."

 

He then got the groom to pick one of the envelopes and he put the remaining two back in his pocket and opened up the envelope and gave his speech. At the end just before he toasted the bride and groom he stopped and said " Oh yes, the other speeches, don't think you're getting off that easily [groom]" He then pulled out the other two envelopes and opened them to give "edited highlights."

 

Beauty of this is that you only write one speech and put it in each of the envelopes so it doesn't matter which one the groom picks you are giving the same speech. Then for the "highlights" of the other two you are only giving snippets of information so don't have to go into any detail nor be truthful and you add these on at the end of the speech in bullet points only so you can flick through the "speeches" before stopping at the last page of each to read out the "highlights"

For example:

" Good job you avoided this one as it covers: the time you were given a strip search at X airport when we were going out on holiday to Y, The incident with the pineapple in school/college, The 14 hour wait in A&E after losing that bet which is strangely unconnected with the pineapple story, The lovely "Olga"......etc"

 

But throw in some truthful facts that everyone knows about, " your last two years at x school, a 21st birthday story" that way it makes the audience think that as some of the stories are true, as they know these things for a fact, the other stuff you have made up has a chance of being true as well.

 

You can then finish with, " if anyone does want to know more about these incidents I'll be at the bar later and when I'm bought drinks I tend to become talkative"

Then toast the bride and groom and sit down with everyone thinking you're that good a best man you wrote three speeches.

[thebladder]

I've done it twice now.

 

mix it up with some real stories about the groom and some traditional jokes then do your toast and you will be fine.

 

Only thing I would add is stick in a hint to at least one really off-side story.

Worth it just to see the groom really squirm, plus folk will ask you to elaborate later on (still don't tell his granny though, but do reveal all to his cousins/workmates)

[ollie1903]

i went down an absolute storm at my cousins up in harris earlier in the year

 

id echo what folk have said above...avoid the cliched crap from websites on here and stick to stories about him

 

me and my cousin grew up essentially as brothers, so i had lots of family related stuff and i turned it into a poem

 

then i read out other "important" events that happened on that day through history

 

ie on that day AA was formed, norway surrendered to the nazis, james earl ray escaped from prison

 

went down well!

MT & Cleetus

 

[StandFree1982]

MT & Cleetus

 

You can call me brother, cousin or dad

[Betty Swallicks]

The only speech a true best man has to give to his best mate is "wise the fuck up, dinna dee it".

 

Weddings are for women. Pile o pish.

 

Until the HONOUR AND OBEY bit is back in style all bets are off.

[tup]

For once I agree with Elizabeth, dinna fucking do it, the speech or getting married.

[robbojunior]

For once I agree with Elizabeth, dinna fucking do it, the speech or getting married.

 

unless its for money

[Stoney]

It is for money, shes minted im nae

[Iraq_Red]

Been best man 3 times and this last time, I went for something different as they both love their music, I decided to write the speech about what they said to each other by using clips from songs to set up the story of how the met, the proposal etc.

 

I used audacity to cut the parts of the song I wanted to one track and added a few secs gap in between clips, then copied on to the iPod and played this out

[Betty Swallicks]

Been best man 3 times and this last time, I went for something different as they both love their music, I decided to write the speech about what they said to each other by using clips from songs to set up the story of how the met, the proposal etc.

 

I used audacity to cut the parts of the song I wanted to one track and added a few secs gap in between clips, then copied on to the iPod and played this out

 

 

Fuck me, a wedding is bad enough but this must of been a cracker.

[RAZOR]

If your speech is anything like the way you look, /

[The Boofon]

 

 

me and my cousin grew up essentially as brothers, so i had lots of family related stuff and i turned it into a poem

 

then i read out other "important" events that happened on that day through history

 

ie on that day AA was formed, norway surrendered to the nazis, james earl ray escaped from prison

 

 

 

 

Been best man 3 times and this last time, I went for something different as they both love their music, I decided to write the speech about what they said to each other by using clips from songs to set up the story of how the met, the proposal etc.

 

I used audacity to cut the parts of the song I wanted to one track and added a few secs gap in between clips, then copied on to the iPod and played this out

 

 

Fuck me, a wedding is bad enough but this must of been a cracker.

 

 

 

Both of the above sound as wet as an otter's pocket.

 

Maybe you had to be there.

[stirlingsheep]

Did a mates about a year ago. Turned out ok.

His wife to be's family are pretty churchy, and both had asked individually for me not to go over the score.

No mention of ex-birds, no proper mention of sex etc, though hints at it are fine, and no in-jokes that only close mates might get.

 

Then just told funny stories about him doing daft stuff, took the piss out of how he got together with the bride etc, finished it off with how nice a couple they are and the toast. Simples.

 

Oh, and don't get pished beforehand, I used to work at weddings and there is nowt funny about an idiot slurring out something no-on understands.

 

Best one I've seen is where the best man just made up stuff about the groom based on stuff which everyone knew were nonsense, i.e. "I've always found it strange that John was in the Algarve with the McCanns and came with a new rolex and mentioning the Arab people trader he met", that one had a few folk spitting their lager on the tables and laughing, but you have to be brave.