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So, the Americans like building shit to kill other shit.... while American domestic technology falls behind the rest of the world they maintain the lead in shit that can kill other shit. Americans like building shit that kills other shit so much that they have a department dedicated purely to thinking up ways of killing shit, and regardless of how bizarre, fucked up or downright retarded that idea might be the U.S. government will write a cheque for all the dollars needed to see if it's a cool way to kill shit.


This Department of Death is the 'Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency', or DARPA for acronym.


So DARPA is manned by genius psychos who sit around all day going;


"Hey, do you think you could kill shit by sending bees after it?"


"What, you mean like regular bees?"


"Yeah, but engineered so that a whole fucking bunch of these bees will just kill the fucking shit out of shit."


"It's an interesting idea."


"Yeah, I came up with it while I was hammered out of my fucking skull on Jagermeister and E."


"How many of the dollars would you need in order to find out if a fuckload of angry bees could be made to kill shit on command?"


"Like,... fuck, I don't know... a squillion dollars? Is that a real amount of money? A squillion dollars?"


"Have a cheque for one squillion dollars. Go get them bees, son!"


"Fuck... seriously? Haha... well, okay then.. Guys! The government just gave me a squillion dollars to make bees kill shit!"


Anyway, hypothetical conversation aside, I was surfing for Terminator-related porn the other day and it turns out DARPA are big fans of the Terminator movies, because they've been working on robots that can walk like humans, even correcting themselves if something unbalances them and even getting back up on their Terminatory feet if, say, John Connor were to shoot one down in a nightclub.


They've got a working prototype up and running, a thing called ATLAS, only this one doesn't have a head... just a VERY Terminatory looking chassis that is probably being taught how to kill shit right at this very moment. It climbs stairs, gets up off nightclub floors, and says, 'Sarah Connah?' in an Austrian accent.


This isn't a mock up, this is the fucker crushing a cinderblock like it's a human skull at the beginning of Terminator.




Meet Atlas, Cheetah’s humanoid pal. Atlas is supposed to look more or less like the T-800 series of Terminators, minus the head. Its designers say it’ll be able to walk like a human over rough terrain, crawling on its hands and knees when necessary and turning itself sideways to slip through any narrow passages it encounters. Headless, with a torso and two arms, it’s a step up from Boston Dynamics’ other biped, the lower-body-bot Petman.


Petman was built to test out chemical weapons protective suits for the Army by “walking, crawling and doing a variety of suit-stressing calisthenics” and “simulat[ing] human physiology.” Designers made it capable of walking heel-to-toe at 3.2 miles per hour and staying upright even after it gets pushed.


Anyway, the US and Japan are both exploring robotic technology... and I have to say I'm edging towards the Japanese robot as my robot of choice.


See, the Japanese are working on robots that look like cute Japanese chicks and you can fuck them. That's their purpose... fuckbots. This is how the Japanese mind works. What can I build... and if I build it can I fuck it? And if I can't fuck it then what's the point of building it?


And at the same time in America, the Terminator aside, they're building a battlefield robot that is self-sustaining. Self-sustaining means it can go out on the battlefield, kill a whole lot of shit, refuel itself without the need for a guy with a set of batteries to recharge it, and then just keep killing a whole lot more shit.


The interesting thing is how it refuels itself.


Apparently it uses 'organic fuel' that it 'finds' on the battlefield. 'Organic fuel' that just happens to be lying around on a battlefield. The Americans think there is some kind of biological foodstuff littered around the battlefield just waiting to be used as fuel for killer robots.


Basically it eats dead people.


It kills people then eats them so that it can keep on killing people.


So on the one hand you have a robot that you can fuck, which will then (I suspect) bring you a beer, cook you dinner and massage your feet while telling you how fantastic your cocksmanship is... and on the other hand you have a flesh-eating, killer robot that only runs out of fuel when it's done eating everyone it killed.


Like I said, Japanese robot pretty much has a solid lead when it comes to me deciding which one should get made and which one should be not made at all because it's a flesh-eating, killer robot that only runs out of fuel when it's done eating everyone it killed.

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