Friday Joke

[ChutneyLove]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him

 

To show who is boss, he beats it to death with his spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions - as lions will eat anything.

 

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with the spade, killing them both.

What can he do?

 

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

 

He then moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp

 

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions' cage because lions eat anything.

 

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to a resident lion and asks "What's the food like here?

 

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[Ke1t]

So the Tachyon leaves.

 

And the barman says, "I'm afraid we don't serve Tachyons in here".

 

A Tachyon walks into a bar.

 

--------------------

 

A pocket of Helium is floating at the bar when a guy walks in, looks at it, and goes, "Oy! Noble gases are all wankers!"

 

Of course the Helium doesn't react.

[ChutneyLove]

Why the edit Ke1t? Was funnier first time.

[Ke1t]

Why the edit Ke1t? Was funnier first time.

 

I prefer my jokes to be as brief as possible... if I can truncate I will.

[spamspamspam]

A pocket of Helium is floating at the bar when a guy walks in, looks at it, and goes, "Oy! Noble gases are all wankers!"

 

Of course the Helium doesn't react.

 

 

That one made me laugh a lot.

[Bluto10]

a lobster and a crab are at the bar. and after a while the lobster kicks the fcuk out of the crab.

 

the barmans asks why did you do that.

 

the lobster replies cause he was givin it all this.

[chaos_defrost]

A lobster walks into a bar, barman says 'you, out, you're barred!', the lobster says 'why?' Barman says 'for coming in here, giving it all that'

[Henry]

Why did the crab get arrested?

 

Because he was always pinching things

[tup]

I made a tractor beam last night.

 

I told it the field looked magnificent.

[Henry]

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost! You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE. Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl. "That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?" "No problem", said Joe "I'm an ex-tractor fan"

[Dom Sullivan]

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost! You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE. Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl. "That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?" "No problem", said Joe "I'm an ex-tractor fan"

FFS!

[Bamber]

End of a wedding reception DJ puts on a slow tune and asks that all the men go to the side of the person who means more than the world to him - The Barman died in the crush

 

 

I've been having a few problems "getting it up" so went to the doctor earlier today - wife was not pleased when i bought home a box of slimming pills for her

[muttondressedaslamb]

One thing about Fred West, you could never accuse him of nimbyism

[Jigot]

What's Black and Blue and disnae like sex?

 

The wee boy locked up in the Darkhead basement.

[Ke1t]

A farmer can't get his chickens to lay eggs, so he asks a theoretical physicist for help.

 

A couple of weeks later the theoretical physicist comes back and says, "I've solved your problem, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."

 

[daytripping]

A farmer can't get his chickens to lay eggs, so he asks a theoretical physicist for help.

 

A couple of weeks later the theoretical physicist comes back and says, "I've solved your problem, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."

 

 

[Ke1t]

 

Fuck off... you tell that joke to Stephen Hawking and he'll shit his colostomy bag with laughter.

 

Look at that cheeky face, will you.

 

[tommo1903]

A farmer can't get his chickens to lay eggs, so he asks a theoretical physicist for help.

 

A couple of weeks later the theoretical physicist comes back and says, "I've solved your problem, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."

 

 

I think I get this joke.

 

Its about sucking cocks.

[tup]

I think I get this joke.

 

Its about sucking cocks.

 

You're not fulfilling your potential in ASDA min.

[The Boofon]

I think I get this joke.

 

Its about sucking cocks.

 

 

It isn't. Cocks don't lay eggs. They work in ASDA.

[Ke1t]

I think I get this joke.

 

Its about sucking cocks.