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50 Shades Of Grey Aberdonian Style......


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As me and lisa aprroached the entrance to the dimlit doorway a sign above our heeds said HAPPY VALLEY

what kind of place was this i was thinking?

then i saw him

... propped up against the bar a beautiful pot holed complexion greasy hair and smoking a woodbine

he was the one for me alright


he looked up burped in my face and said fa the fcuk are you spikin te slag?

my punts went moist .....i couldnae find the lavvies


we started spikin and we had a lot in common

he was on the broo and say wiz aye

tikin me hame quine? he mumbled as by this time he had consumed 8 pints of skol premium lager

i in the other hand had just had the 4 advocaats

the pleasure will be all mine i said as i was standing there wringing oot my punts into an empty pint glaes


we got home to my penthouse suite in fowler avenue he kicked off his shoes right through my mas china cabnet (the ba5tard)

sat himself doon on my best deckcheer and called me over

my names nae over ye drunkin raj its doris i explained

he ran his hands up my back up past my humph and undid my zip

and my parka fell to the fleer

i unbuttoned his gola collared t shirt and started stripping him slowly

his robert rae designer jeans were a bit harder to take off as my false teeth couldnae get to grips with the domes


we fell to the fleer in a warm togetherness

my alsatian dog had just shit all over the floor


we writhed in ectasy and he entered me


ony holes a goal quine he replied

by this time i didnt care i knew by his skidmarked punts he rubbed in my face that he was the one



it was the afternoon after the night before

cuz im on the broo i dinna hiv to get up early. i was awoken by the dulcit tones of some boys ar5e letting out the most putrid smells

lying next to me was my next future husband (the other 3 are in peeterheed nick)

arite quine he said tik a whiff a that as he stuck ma heed under the covers

and while yer doon there he sai...d yid be as weel

like fcuk i will i replied yer kn0b smells o gorgonzola


he smashed me in the face with an uppercut and i bottled him in the cheek with the pint glass that my teeth were in

HUD AT YE C**T!!! i proclaimed then we started kissing again

i still never knew his name i was feert to ask

ive never been with an aberdonian spikin pakistani before.


ony chunce ye can tap me a regal? he questioned

after he wiped his cock on the curtains

your a clatty ba5tard i screamed as he parted his bumchicks and farted on the dogs face

then as he walked passed me to go to the kitchen with his pi5h stained simmit hanging from his hairy oxters i noticed he had his name tattooed on his ar5e

himin bob i said you funcy takin me oot later somewhere nice?

fit aboot the cat and dog place in seaton he said?

fit the fcuk am i supposed to dee doon there i said

go back in yer kennel ye dog he said

he was a man of so many romantic words


50 SHADES OF GREY aberdonian style chapter 3


It had been 3 weeks since I last seen bob I was starting to itch down below and I had missed my period

I wondered if bob was his real name as every time he answered his phone he always said Hello mahatma coat speaking!!!

I longed for his giro his sweet talking put downs and the way he bashed me about the kitchen for burning his kebabs

I needed a drink I went to the sink (because I never had a fridge) there was no white lightning left so I reached for the meths it did the trick

Just then I heard a commotion outside I looked out the broken lavvie windae and he was there

My heart skipped a beat as he was trying hard to park his vauxhall viva turbo into a tight slot


He let himself in as he was an ace burglar

He scooped me up in his arms and kissed me gently on the lips I was upside down

His breath was honking min it was worse than a water buffaloes fart

His hairy hands wandered over my droopy stretch marked paps

He led me to the bedroom being pulled by my nipples

Your about to get the best 2 minutes you've ever had he said

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I take it the real book is utter shite, like X rated Mills and Boon?


Weemin seem to love it, but then they're aye suckers for a fad.


Read 2 random pages until I forced to stop due to my eyes bleeding.


The above would definitely sum it up without quite illustrating just how poor the writing is.

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