Are You Ready For Shtf?

[Ke1t]

I know a couple of folks in NYC... that's hepcatspeak for New York City... although they're actually in Manchester, which is just north of New York City.

 

Regardless of that, they're freaking out because they think the wee dribble of rain and slightly windy conditions means they're going to be without power for weeks, and all their refrigerated food is going to go bad, and their heating is going to go out, and pterodactyls are going to swoop down and eat up their young 'uns, like prehistoric Jimmy Saviles on Hang-gliders.

 

They've been trying to get a generator... all sold out. They tried to get dry ice... all sold out. They tried to get Jimmy-Savile-Swatters... all sold out.

 

Bottom line is, is they're unprepared for the Shit Hitting The Fan. They won't even be able to cook a pot of rice if the power goes out. And if a bunch of wild Saviles come tapping at their kids' windows in the middle of the night... They're what you might describe as Good and Fucked.

 

Literally and Figuratively.

 

How prepped are you for a prolonged period of no power, water, local services, or swarms of Saviles?

 

Let's assume it's a bad one, and the supermarkets are shut/empty, your food is running out, the taps aren't producing water, and with winter closing in your 3 bar fire is useless except for use as an ornamental doorstop.

 

For my part, I have a gun, and a plan that involves shooting and eating our elderly neighbours. The Schwartzes. Lovely old couple they are... friendly, generous, helpful, and packed with protein.

 

I reckon that between the two of them, and with my rice, noodle and oatmeal stores, I would have enough meat to last my family through the winter. And that includes a slap up meal at Christmas.

 

Anyone drawn to our house by the delicious smell of baking Schwartz can expect a faceful of shotgun shells, boosting our store of meat.

 

"Oh," you're saying right about now... "How the fuck are you baking the Schwartzes without any power to your house, dick?"

 

Two words.

 

Solar Oven.

 

So long as a bit of sunshine pokes through the clouds, the Solar Oven me and the loon are going to build this weekend will enable us to make delicious Schwartz Soup and Schwartz Casserole without a single watt of the electricities or a single stick of wood.

 

What's your plan for surviving SHTF?

[tutankamun]

Solar ovens are pretty fucking useless in Aberdeen min!

[Ke1t]

Solar ovens are pretty fucking useless in Aberdeen min!

 

Yeah, anything with the word 'Solar' in it... unless immediately followed by 'calculator' is going to be worse than useless in Aberdeen.

 

Better come up with a better plan than that, unless you want to end up in an Aberdeen City Cooncil Refugee Camp, subsisting on one meal a day of pish cold water with a single piece of neep floating in it.

[MincePie]

I'm going to hunt out all the birds up the duff and get breast fed every hour, in-between I'd have to resort to raping not up the duff birds to keep the milk supply coming.

 

While we're on the subject of tit milk why do folk thinks it's disgusting to drink your wife's/Aunties/mates daughters boob juice but will quite happily take a pint from a foul beast that you've never met and shits all over it's anal region and hind quarters.

 

[Sheep#1]

I'm going to hunt out all the birds up the duff and get breast fed every hour, in-between I'd have to resort to raping not up the duff birds to keep the milk supply coming.

 

While we're on the subject of tit milk why do folk thinks it's disgusting to drink your wife's/Aunties/mates daughters boob juice but will quite happily take a pint from a foul beast that you've never met and shits all over it's anal region and hind quarters.

 

So basically you're trying justify sucking your aunties tits?

[spamspamspam]

I'm going to hunt out all the birds up the duff and get breast fed every hour, in-between I'd have to resort to raping not up the duff birds to keep the milk supply coming.

 

While we're on the subject of tit milk why do folk thinks it's disgusting to drink your wife's/Aunties/mates daughters boob juice but will quite happily take a pint from a foul beast that you've never met and shits all over it's anal region and hind quarters.

 

 

 

Bitty now

[phoenix]

'Back To Mastication'

 

It is probably cooking our food that is contributing to these man-made weather conditions.....that and cows farting. The World would be in better shape if we all stopped eating.

 

So much.

 

Masticate and Save the Planet.

 

Mastication or chewing is the process by which food is crushed and ground by teeth. It is the first step of digestion and it increases the surface area of foods to allow more efficient break down by enzymes. During the mastication process, the food is positioned between the teeth for grinding by the cheek and tongue. As chewing continues, the food is made softer and warmer, and the enzymes in saliva begin to break down carbohydrates in the food. After chewing, the food (now called a bolus) is swallowed. It enters the esophagus and via peristalsis continues on to the stomach, where the next step of digestion occurs.

 

 

Premastication is sometimes performed by human parents for young infants who are unable to do so for themselves. The food is masticated in the mouth of the parent into a bolus and then transferred to the infant for consumption.

 

Cattle and some other animals, called ruminants, chew food more than once to extract more nutrients. After the first round of chewing, this food is called cud.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Stoney]

Im pretty confident the worst i would have to face is being snowed in for a few days.

 

I'll cope with anything cunto upstairs has to throw at me.

[Dandyesque]

I have a garden and therefore could be self-sufficient on an indefinite basis should the need arise.

 

Of course, that assumes that the multi-savile-scenario occurs at a convenient time of year.

[tommo1903]

I'll probably be all right. The bird has amnesia when it comes to doing the shopping (she's a fuckin tit).

 

Was clearing out the cupboard yesterday, I found 5 jars of fuckin raspberry jam. 5 fuckin jars! As well as 2x jars of tinned peaches, 2x jars of mandarins & 3x jars of custard.

 

She doesnt even eat any of it.

 

Women are stupid.

[The Boofon]

I have a garden and therefore could be self-sufficient on an indefinite basis should the need arise.

 

Of course, that assumes that the multi-savile-scenario occurs at a convenient time of year.

 

 

Snap. I also own 3 chickens and have a well in my garden.

 

Camping gear up the attic which includes a gas stove with a big gas cannister.

 

I could technically never have to buy groceries ever again if that was required.

[phoenix]

Well ! I thocht my topic on mastication was food for thocht but.....nuthin'.....not even a nibble !

 

Ye're all a bunch o' masticators!

[Stoney]

I'll probably be all right. The bird has amnesia when it comes to doing the shopping (she's a fuckin tit).

 

Was clearing out the cupboard yesterday, I found 5 jars of fuckin raspberry jam. 5 fuckin jars! As well as 2x jars of tinned peaches, 2x jars of mandarins & 3x jars of custard.

 

She doesnt even eat any of it.

 

Women are stupid.

 

 

Tell me about it, i have a cupboard full of fucking tuna, i hate fucking tuna.

[The Boofon]

I'll probably be all right. The bird has amnesia when it comes to doing the shopping (she's a fuckin tit).

 

Was clearing out the cupboard yesterday, I found 5 jars of fuckin raspberry jam. 5 fuckin jars! As well as 2x jars of tinned peaches, 2x jars of mandarins & 3x jars of custard.

 

She doesnt even eat any of it.

 

Women are stupid.

 

Ask her where she buys the jars of custard please.

[Bebo]

In America, Isn't SHTF/Zombie Apocalypse/Prepping just codewords for "getting to shoot black people without any repercussions"?

[Ke1t]

In America, Isn't SHTF/Zombie Apocalypse/Prepping just codewords for "getting to shoot black people without any repercussions"?

 

Well, yeah... it is.

 

You can't be soft on the black folks, though... they're literally an entirely different culture to the white folks.

 

When I first moved here I was used to British black folks, who were essentially British but with darker skin. Black folk in Britain are integrated, they're called Dave and Jeff and Debbie, there's no 'slave culture' with British Blacks. There wasn't state-mandated apartheid in Britain. Racism in Britain makes no sense whatsoever.

 

In America, however, it was government policy to denigrate and separate the black folks right up until the late 60s and early 70s. If a black kid wanted to go to a white school then the cops would arrive with their German Shepherd Dogs, and their fire hoses, and their mirrored glasses, and they'd set to work.

 

That's a WHITE FOLKS sidewalk y'all are usin', Niggers!

 

That's a WHITE FOLKS sweater y'all are wearin', Nigger!

 

So understandably there's an entire generation of Black Folks who even now remember being second class citizens in their own country.

 

They still have a chip on their shoulder about the way they've been treated, and continue to be treated in many places, and so they deliberately make their own culture, distinct from the white oppressor.

 

Black folks here are called Dashika and Daktari and DeAndre... and they wear their trousers round their ankles, and they're even more obsessed with expensive trainers than some elements on fitba boards. And they carry guns, and live in urban ghettos, and listen to pop musics called The Rap, which is all about doing sex on their 'bitches' and popping bullets in a 'motherfuckers' arse. And they don't get married, but they DO get every woman they meet pregnant as quickly as possible, and they have hundreds of kids who don't go to school and who grow up to be just like their parents, addicted to the cracks rocks and spending half their lives in the State Pen, where they get 'Prison Tats' and convert to Islam, and they call the white man the Devil, and they drive big black cars with lots of chrome or gold with all those spinning hubcaps.

 

Now this might sound like some kind of fucked up racisms, broad generalisation that probably isn't true.

 

Well, it might sound like it, but I'd respond to that by saying, "Come over to Kelt's house... and I'll drive you to 8 Mile Road... or even someplace close to Downtown... and I'll let you out of the car and we can see how many blocks you get before you get; * Propositioned to buy drugs, * Mugged, * Raped, * Propositioned by a Hooker who's doing the cracks, * Raped again, * Shot at, *Shot, * Beaten up and mugged and raped and shot, * Stabbed, * Raped in your stab wound.

 

If you make it, say, half a dozen blocks I'll pick you up again (I won't stop, you'll just have to chase after my car and jump in) and you'll say, "Kelt! Kelt, min! We need to go get some mirrored sunglasses, a huge German Shepherd Dug, and a firehose!"

 

And I'll say, "Got them all on the back seat, Laddie."

 

...this is why, yeah, sometimes you need to shoot a black guy who might be within, say, 5 miles of your property, just in case they climb in your window and rape your wife and steal your 'shit" before tearing off in their ghetto sled.

 

Don't get me wrong, though, I'm not 'hatin'... that's what the kids say, they say, "You Hatin'!", they say, the kids. I'm not hatin' on the black man. I'm just touching the surface of what the black folks are like here. A slighting touching of the tip of the iceberg, like Jimmy Savile surreptitiously grabbing a 14 year old titty on a live episode of Top of Those Pops. I could write a book on how the black folks here are different to the white folks, and it wouldn't be any kind of exaggeration... the truth is stranger than fiction in this case.

 

The whities have their own thing going on too, of course.

[Jigot]

I've been to shopping malls outside Washington where it was predominately colours and they would look at me as if I had horns growing out of my head.

I was more wary of the Hispanics to be honest,nasty looking fuckers.

[muttondressedaslamb]

I see there were school kids from somewhere in the north east stuck in New York due to Frankenstorm. Lucky them! Fucking NY for a school trip?? What happened to Edinburgh and the likes?

[Ke1t]

I see there were school kids from somewhere in the north east stuck in New York due to Frankenstorm. Lucky them! Fucking NY for a school trip?? What happened to Edinburgh and the likes?

 

Kids nowadays are spoiled little fuckers, generally.

 

Lethargic, belligerent, and arrogant, with a near total feeling of entitlement.

 

We should implement Victorian discipline on them until they leave school... teach them respect for others.