December 21St. Muslim Funeral

[Ke1t]

The wife's grandfaither popped his clogs a few days ago, and tomorrow and Saturday is the big Muslim Funeral Extravaganza.

 

Tradition dictates that the deceased be buried within 24 hours, and already there's been massive fights because the Arabs that live in Arabland are jetting over for the funeral and wouldn't have been here on time if he'd been buried right away. Already my nut's been done in with being the only sane member of a family that must have about 4000 extended family members, all of whom are demented Muslims as far as I can tell.

 

"We must bury him!"

 

"We must NOT bury him!"

 

"A curse on your family!"

 

"YOU are our family, you son of a dog!"

 

"You call our father a dog? A Jihad on you!"

 

Oh, it's fucking magic, this.

 

Anyway, the next two days are going to be spent sitting in a funeral home listening to a big roomful of Arabs, whose normal default mode is 'Very Angry' taking it to the next level because emotions are running about 200% higher than normal. To put that into perspective, the 911 Twin Towers Hijack Arabs were probably only 'Somewhat Angry'. The wife's family would likely marvel at the 911 Arabs' restraint and powers of self-control.

 

I'm not sure what to expect... aside from lots of shouting. They shout a lot anyway, and so I'm expecting lots of shouting. And lots of silk 3 piece suits, with only the bottom shirt button done up, and tons of gold chains and Boots Cologne.

 

My only real knowledge of what to expect at an Arab funeral is what I can remember of the Ayatollah's funeral back in 1989. It seems to go along the lines of...

 

... the deceased is wrapped in white linen and placed in a coffin. The coffin is then carefully carried into the street by somber pallbearers. Thousands of crazed Arabs then boot the fuck out of the pallbearers, open the coffin, tip the deceased onto the pavement, then crowdsurf him for about 400 yards before climbing onto the roof of nearby cars and tearing the body to pieces. Tradition then seems to dictate that soldiers fire their guns over the heads of the bereaved, before choppering whatever bits of the deceased can be scraped off the pavement or grabbed away from scampering body snatchers. This is all done while hopping from one foot to the other, battering themselves repeatedly over the head, and chanting "I'll have a lager!"

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k7mpnPJWDo

 

Been practicing the hopping, head smacking and chanting most of this evening, so it'll be a nice surprise for her family when I get the ball rolling the morn!

 

*Hop* *Hop* *Smack* *Smack* *I'll have a lager!* *I'll have a lager!*

 

Then kick over the coffin and aeroplane her dear old grandfather oot into the street right before their very eyes.

 

Hoping this display will mend some of the bridges between me and her family, like. We've had a bit of a strained relationship since they found out I was marrying her...

 

Look! Kelt has learned our ways! I'll have a lager!

 

This is exactly how I see things going down.

 

Very optimistic.

[Karl Fletcher]

Try and get 'Stand Free' going if they all start arguing during the funeral.

 

That will calm them down.

[Robbie Winters]

Try and get 'Stand Free' going if they all start arguing during the funeral.

 

That will calm them down.

Hahahahahahaha

[Tommy]

You need to Youtube this for us Kelt.

[Jigot]

Oor laddie's faithir in-law's an Iraqi, he is also a fuckin cokeheaded fruit loop.He grows his pinkie finger nail long, manicured intae the shape of a wee spoon.

He once got done for speeding (nae pun)and got a $50 fine.The cunt photo copied a $50 note and sent it to the court with a letter informing them that they'll get a real $50 note when he sees the real photo from the speed camera.

His wife is Oirish (explosive mix eh?)and his addicted tae PK,s and sit's staring at the TV for days on end with the cunt no even turned fucking on.

Me and the wife don't go back any more because of the weirdness.4 generations in the one hoose,it's like the fucking Waltons with Uzi's.

Incidentally he's banged up as he went fucking amok with a knife last week (13th)with his ain family.Slashed his daughter then stabbed his grand-daughter who was on life support for 3 days,she's fine now.

 

 

 

Ps I'm as rough as a badgers erse this morning and if I offended any one during my sesh I apoligise.

[Karl Fletcher]

Fucking hell, Jigot

 

Where do you live??

[tup]

Fucking hell, Jigot

 

Where do you live??

 

He's in Broadmoor you insensitive cunt.

[The Boofon]

Oor laddie's faithir in-law's an Iraqi, he is also a fuckin cokeheaded fruit loop.He grows his pinkie finger nail long, manicured intae the shape of a wee spoon.

He once got done for speeding (nae pun)and got a $50 fine.The cunt photo copied a $50 note and sent it to the court with a letter informing them that they'll get a real $50 note when he sees the real photo from the speed camera.

His wife is Oirish (explosive mix eh?)and his addicted tae PK,s and sit's staring at the TV for days on end with the cunt no even turned fucking on.

Me and the wife don't go back any more because of the weirdness.4 generations in the one hoose,it's like the fucking Waltons with Uzi's.

Incidentally he's banged up as he went fucking amok with a knife last week (13th)with his ain family.Slashed his daughter then stabbed his grand-daughter who was on life support for 3 days,she's fine now.

 

 

 

Ps I'm as rough as a badgers erse this morning and if I offended any one during my sesh I apoligise.

 

You got a vote from me for best newcomer.

[Jigot]

Fucking hell, Jigot

 

Where do you live??

I live in a spa called Broadmoor,Karl,through the wall fae tup.SAY HELLO TAE KARL TUP.

[Jigot]

You got a vote from me for best newcomer.

Shucks min,there's more deserving than me.

I only ended up here because I had been reading the excellent sevco thread.It's a fantastic site where folk can have a good laugh and have a serious debate on occasion.

Fuck me,I only go to a battle cruiser when I'm at the fitba now.It's fridge packs and The Hat for this here cat.

[tup]

Hi Karl!

[Ke1t]

same thing happened with Zero, having to be buried within 24 hours, causing factions

 

as for the rest of it, cool story bro

 

Cheers, min. And it's just going to get cooler.

 

you had a report on the roof yet?

[BrianFaePerth]

What dae they make of the infidel in the family Kelt? Any chance of ye getting kidnapped?

[dervish]

Aye surprised they never fingered you with the whole family curse thing?

[Jigot]

Allah be with him Kelt.

[Ke1t]

Allah be with him Kelt.

 

 

Jaysus... this is fucking brutal

 

Been introduced to 50 dudes named Achmed, and now the different factions are having what appears to be an angry staring contest.

 

Having said that, two of the birds who turned up are having an effect on my underpants region, but I reckon one of them came here with.Achmed, and the other one's related to Achmed.

 

No fucking booze, of course

 

...and forget about bacon cheeseburgers.

 

There is uncooked lambs meat and beige mush though... so that's good, eh?

 

Fuck my luck.

[Jigot]

Jaysus... this is fucking brutal

 

Been introduced to 50 dudes named Achmed, and now the different factions are having what appears to be an angry staring contest.

 

Having said that, two of the birds who turned up are having an effect on my underpants region, but I reckon one of them came here with.Achmed, and the other one's related to Achmed.

 

No fucking booze, of course

 

...and forget about bacon cheeseburgers.

 

There is uncooked lambs meat and beige mush though... so that's good, eh?

 

Fuck my luck.

There's bound to be couscous by the bucket load Kelt.Jesus H Christ ,a good funeral needs a good fight,a shagging and couscous.

[Jigot]

What dae they make of the infidel in the family Kelt? Any chance of ye getting kidnapped?

I dinnae ken aboot that but when they start battering fuck oot o one anither wi shoes I hope Kelt's wearing a sturdy pair o wooden clogs or a pair of proper pit bits.

 

Go team Kelt! Ra Ra Ra.