Shit That Freaks You The Fuck Out, Boy Howdy

[Ke1t]

Happened before, but last night I'm seeing to the wife in a very rambunctious manner, and when I pop my magical juices all over her it resembles nothing less than vanilla raspberry swirl yogurt.

 

I play it cool by running screaming into the bathroom to check that nothing's detached, lacerated or fallen off outright. I'm no medical man, but I know that bloody cum is a bad thing. There's a time and place for a little blood, but shooting out your cock is one of the very last places you want to see it.

 

This has happened before, and a very worried trip to the doctor revealed that this can happen, particularly if you like to make raucous love to the lucky lady. All that hammering away can rupture the delicate little blood vessels in your bollocks and surrounding area, making blood get into your cum load and, as a result, make your jizz fountains look like a Christmas candy cane... stop me if this gets too technical for you...

 

Doesn't matter how minor it is, the sight of bloody semen arcing out of your dick is about as disturbing as it gets... right at the point you're feeling your sexiest, cumming all over a real bird... you're confronted with the terrifying sight of raspberry swirl jisms spraying like a ruptured artery.

 

"Tone down the power of your love-thrusts" says the doctor. "Try not to make your awesome sessions seem like you're trying to tenderise a steak with a hammer when you're smashing the vag, and then your little fireman might not piss blood." he says.

 

Well, I'm aff it for the next week or so, I think

 

I doubt I'd be able to get it up if you dressed Carol Vorderman and Lorraine Kelly as Japanese Schoolgirls and had them set about one another with whipped cream and octopus-shaped rubber dildos for my own personal entertainment.

 

[looksgoodinred]

why would it freak you out again, if it's happened before and you know what's caused it?

[Ke1t]

why would it freak you out again, if it's happened before and you know what's caused it?

 

...because it's blood coming out of your cock.

 

A chick wouldn't understand, given they're used to blood pouring out of their vages. Perfectly normal for a chick.

 

A guy, regardless of the reason, doesn't want to see blood coming out of their cocks... it's a worrying sight.

[The Boofon]

 

 

"Tone down the power of your love-thrusts" says the doctor. "Try not to make your awesome sessions seem like you're trying to tenderise a steak with a hammer when you're smashing the vag, and then your little fireman might not piss blood." he says.

 

 

Your doctor should have been a writer for Razzle.

[looksgoodinred]

...because it's blood coming out of your cock.

 

A chick wouldn't understand, given they're used to blood pouring out of their vages. Perfectly normal for a chick.

 

A guy, regardless of the reason, doesn't want to see blood coming out of their cocks... it's a worrying sight.

 

well.. if you can resist spraying it all over her and put it in her, you'll not know if it's blood-tinged or not and won't have to wait a week.

[The Boofon]

well.. if you can resist spraying it all over her and put it in her, you'll not know if it's blood-tinged or not and won't have to wait a week.

 

 

Good point.

 

If you manage to get your brown wings by the year end as well it will dribble out a chocolate browny red colour anyway Kelt.

[chief_wiggum]

Good point.

 

If you manage to get your brown wings by the year end as well it will dribble out a chocolate browny red colour anyway Kelt.

 

 

Aye but you will have to go ca-canny if your in the old fart box! Neen o this nailing in nails with your bollocks business

[Ke1t]

If it happens again I'll take a pic and post it up here

 

A week without porns, clown-punching, or jack-hammering the wife... Expect to see me getting all short-tempered with people.

 

[Poodler]

Jesus, how hard do you thump that thing? Must look like a stuntmans knee min hahHa

[fatjim]

I can't even get a hard on unless I am covered in blood. Not my blood I may add.

[Ke1t]

Jesus, how hard do you thump that thing? Must look like a stuntmans knee min hahHa

 

Pretty hard, I guess. I like to display my dominance, I think that's important. And bellowing like a wounded grizzly bear, "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWR!"

 

 

 

I can't even get a hard on unless I am covered in blood. Not my blood I may add.

 

Then you'll want to check out this dating site.

 

Okay, technically not a dating site, but....

 

Long nosebleeds on the beach

[Dandie1992]

I had an OH SHIT moment at the start of the month, ironically was in hospital for a minor op cus I was pishing blood for a bit and would take about 20 minutes of my lunch break to finish a piss. Was going to get a general anaesthetic and get a camera up the one eyed snake to see fit the problem was.

 

Been feeling like shit for months after I randomly was sitting on the bus on the way to work and was like 'hing on, i feel a bit ...' and woke up 5 minutes later on a bus fleer with folk thinking I was some kind of junkie for passing out at 6am in the morning in my work clothes. Felt dizzy and shitty for months and being on the verge of passing out left right and centre. Fuck it, I says, just lost a bit of fitness and you're tired as fuck, no wonder you're feeling shit.

 

Until I'm in the hospital ward checking in and fucking BOOM wake up on a bed with 10 folk stirring around me and all kinds of stuff getting done to my arms that are hingin' oot the bed. "What your normal heart rate" "56" "It was down to 22 at one point a minute ago and we thought you were about to go so we took out the paddles"

 

OH FECKSTICKS. Not my blood pressure, not my heart, not my head, not diabetes, so it's a "don't know what you've got wrong so we'll just let you go and see if it changes or you die" thing. I'd take blowin a strawberry ripple cumshot at this point in time.

[Ke1t]

I had an OH SHIT moment at the start of the month, ironically was in hospital for a minor op cus I was pishing blood for a bit and would take about 20 minutes of my lunch break to finish a piss. Was going to get a general anaesthetic and get a camera up the one eyed snake to see fit the problem was.

 

Been feeling like shit for months after I randomly was sitting on the bus on the way to work and was like 'hing on, i feel a bit ...' and woke up 5 minutes later on a bus fleer with folk thinking I was some kind of junkie for passing out at 6am in the morning in my work clothes. Felt dizzy and shitty for months and being on the verge of passing out left right and centre. Fuck it, I says, just lost a bit of fitness and you're tired as fuck, no wonder you're feeling shit.

 

Until I'm in the hospital ward checking in and fucking BOOM wake up on a bed with 10 folk stirring around me and all kinds of stuff getting done to my arms that are hingin' oot the bed. "What your normal heart rate" "56" "It was down to 22 at one point a minute ago and we thought you were about to go so we took out the paddles"

 

OH FECKSTICKS. Not my blood pressure, not my heart, not my head, not diabetes, so it's a "don't know what you've got wrong so we'll just let you go and see if it changes or you die" thing.

 

Sorry to hear that, min... though your medical care seems to be a bit on the medieval side. "Ach, we cannae see anything wrang so awa' wi ye."

 

If I were you I'd be off to see my GP and get him to recommend every specialist available.

 

I'd take blowin a strawberry ripple cumshot at this point in time.

 

 

That sounds like a proposition to me... but it's going to be another week before I can oblige you there, I'm afraid.

 

[Dandie1992]

Sorry to hear that, min... though your medical care seems to be a bit on the medieval side. "Ach, we cannae see anything wrang so awa' wi ye."

 

If I were you I'd be off to see my GP and get him to recommend every specialist available.

 

 

Aye, the first time I went in I got the GP standard piss, blood, pressure, heart, senses test.

 

Despite battering out the last line on the eye test, nothing wrong. Fair enough. 2nd time - "DA KEN MIN, ULL GRA' OOT IT"

I think their official diagnosis is "yer jist a big jessie"

 

Tbh I think I've radiation poisoning and I've become a superhero called 'Fainting Amazing Vision....Man...'

[fatjim]

I had an OH SHIT moment at the start of the month, ironically was in hospital for a minor op cus I was pishing blood for a bit and would take about 20 minutes of my lunch break to finish a piss. Was going to get a general anaesthetic and get a camera up the one eyed snake to see fit the problem was.

 

Been feeling like shit for months after I randomly was sitting on the bus on the way to work and was like 'hing on, i feel a bit ...' and woke up 5 minutes later on a bus fleer with folk thinking I was some kind of junkie for passing out at 6am in the morning in my work clothes. Felt dizzy and shitty for months and being on the verge of passing out left right and centre. Fuck it, I says, just lost a bit of fitness and you're tired as fuck, no wonder you're feeling shit.

 

Until I'm in the hospital ward checking in and fucking BOOM wake up on a bed with 10 folk stirring around me and all kinds of stuff getting done to my arms that are hingin' oot the bed. "What your normal heart rate" "56" "It was down to 22 at one point a minute ago and we thought you were about to go so we took out the paddles"

 

OH FECKSTICKS. Not my blood pressure, not my heart, not my head, not diabetes, so it's a "don't know what you've got wrong so we'll just let you go and see if it changes or you die" thing. I'd take blowin a strawberry ripple cumshot at this point in time.

 

I have had a couple of cystoscopies and the first time it was one of the most horrendous experiences I have ever had. especially when the doctor and nurse starting having an argument in the middle of it. I nearly screamed excuse me but can we just get this over and done with as you have a camera up my japs eye. The next time when I was told by the urologist I was to have another cystoscopy I started sweating and panicking with the mere thought of it and was promised I would be put to sleep for the procedure.

[dervish]

Aye, the first time I went in I got the GP standard piss, blood, pressure, heart, senses test.

 

Despite battering out the last line on the eye test, nothing wrong. Fair enough. 2nd time - "DA KEN MIN, ULL GRA' OOT IT"

I think their official diagnosis is "yer jist a big jessie"

 

Tbh I think I've radiation poisoning and I've become a superhero called 'Fainting Amazing Vision....Man...'

 

You might want to try one of these, sounds horrible. They only do it in Glasgow...

[looksgoodinred]

You might want to try one of these, sounds horrible. They only do it in Glasgow...

 

Couldn't you just squirt some yoghurt up there instead?

[looksgoodinred]

My cock and balls are in perfect working order and have been for a third of a century, as many women can attest. You cunts with urology afflictions are useless fuckers and most definitely lesser men than me. Whiters.

 

Glad to hear it!

[Ke1t]

You might want to try one of these, sounds horrible. They only do it in Glasgow...

 

A SHITE transplant?

 

Everything has now been heard

[dervish]

 

Couldn't you just squirt some yoghurt up there instead?

 

The best bit it is they squirt it down, not up...

[Ke1t]

My left nut has been aching all day... don't know if this is related to the bloody jisms, or just some psychosomatic reaction to the sight of the bloody jisms.

 

I think I'll go buy myself something pretty to take my mind off the bloody jisms and the aching nut.

 

Maybe start by going to the pharmacy and getting some fucking pain killers, like.

[fatjim]

My left nut has been aching all day... don't know if this is related to the bloody jisms, or just some psychosomatic reaction to the sight of the bloody jisms.

 

I think I'll go buy myself something pretty to take my mind off the bloody jisms and the aching nut.

 

Maybe start by going to the pharmacy and getting some fucking pain killers, like.

 

Surely your missus could just chuck on the strapon and give it to you for a change Kelt.

[dervish]

My left nut has been aching all day... don't know if this is related to the bloody jisms, or just some psychosomatic reaction to the sight of the bloody jisms.

 

I think I'll go buy myself something pretty to take my mind off the bloody jisms and the aching nut.

 

Maybe start by going to the pharmacy and getting some fucking pain killers, like.

 

Surely just blue balled? Rattle a few out of you for inspection? Least worth a shot (or two)?

[Redstar]

My left nut has been aching all day... don't know if this is related to the bloody jisms, or just some psychosomatic reaction to the sight of the bloody jisms.

 

I think I'll go buy myself something pretty to take my mind off the bloody jisms and the aching nut.

 

Maybe start by going to the pharmacy and getting some fucking pain killers, like.

Sounds like you've caught a dose of the clap from your missus...tricky situation if you've been up to no good as well...who gave who the clap...

[Ke1t]

Sounds like you've caught a dose of the clap from your missus...tricky situation if you've been up to no good as well...who gave who the clap...

 

That would be quite the quandry, indeed... but this doesn't show any of the classic signs of the Veeds. No weeping sores, no dripping puss out the end of my little gentleman, no burning lead and broken glass sensation when I piss.

 

So we go out to buy me something pretty to make me feel better, I was thinking Ice Cream and Comic Books like when I got the mumps aged 6, but then I saw Jack Daniels and, even though I have Jack Daniels, I bought more Jack Daniels. I now have lots of Jack Daniels, and that makes me feel better.

 

The wife flounces into Victorias Secret while I'm looking at delicious pastries in the food court. By the time I've bought myself a Cinnabun and a coffee she's back with a bagful of flimsy underthings.

 

"Want to see the underwear I bought?" She enquires.

 

"Want to see my boot up your arse?" I respond.

 

That's fucking brilliant work. "What's that? You're unable to touch your cock for fear it's going to rupture? Hey, why don't I buy a push up bra and crotchless knickers, then bounce around the bedroom like a kangaroo on a spacehopper, so that my tits go all up and down like in a Carry On film? Would you like me to do that? You wouldn't? "

 

I used to think she was retarded... now I know different. She's vindictive and retarded.

 

My nut hurts, and that's a sign I need to start drinking the Jack Daniels I mentioned earlier.

[The Boofon]

That would be quite the quandry, indeed... but this doesn't show any of the classic signs of the Veeds. No weeping sores, no dripping puss out the end of my little gentleman, no burning lead and broken glass sensation when I piss.

 

So we go out to buy me something pretty to make me feel better, I was thinking Ice Cream and Comic Books like when I got the mumps aged 6, but then I saw Jack Daniels and, even though I have Jack Daniels, I bought more Jack Daniels. I now have lots of Jack Daniels, and that makes me feel better.

The wife flounces into Victorias Secret while I'm looking at delicious pastries in the food court. By the time I've bought myself a Cinnabun and a coffee she's back with a bagful of flimsy underthings.

 

"Want to see the underwear I bought?" She enquires.

 

"Want to see my boot up your arse?" I respond.

 

That's fucking brilliant work. "What's that? You're unable to touch your cock for fear it's going to rupture? Hey, why don't I buy a push up bra and crotchless knickers, then bounce around the bedroom like a kangaroo on a spacehopper, so that my tits go all up and down like in a Carry On film? Would you like me to do that? You wouldn't? "

 

I used to think she was retarded... now I know different. She's vindictive and retarded.

 

My nut hurts, and that's a sign I need to start drinking the Jack Daniels I mentioned earlier.

 

Some photos of her modelling said undergarments would be nice.

[Ke1t]

Some photos of her modelling said undergarments would be nice.

 

You'll get a picture of my next raspberry ripple jizzshot and like it.

 

[ChutneyLove]

How do you post pictures on here? Without using too much computer talk.

[Ke1t]

How do you post pictures on here? Without using too much computer talk.

 

If it's on your hard drive, upload it to Tinypic, copy the subsequent url, and click the 'insert image' icon that you see right above the box you type your text into when posting a message. Paste the url into the little dialogue box that appears, then click 'insert image'.

 

If it's on the internets, just copy the url and follow the same procedure as above.

 

 

[ChutneyLove]

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3 .....