You Shut Your Lying Whore Mouth

[Ke1t]

Just me, several cases of beer, a number of bottles of Jack Daniels, and a huge amount of films, porn, and wandering around in my boxers for the whole weekend.

 

The wife's in Florida for almost two weeks, the loon's off to his granparents' farm till monday to do teuchter stuff like milking the horses and shooting at people's dogs.

 

Wife's holed up in Florida for some kind of Homeland Security thing, where she supplies the American government with the means by which to eradicate personal freedom. My philosophy is if a Fascist form of government is going to be in charge then you want to be on the inside looking out, rather than in a Death Camp waiting your turn for the showers

 

Although I'm not sure as to the level of seriousness they're giving this trip. She's phoning me to tell me how much she hates it, and how boring it is, and how much work she has to do.... although so far she's phoned me from a yacht to tell me "It's some stupid team building thing."... uh-huh. She's phoned me from the bar on a number of occasions blootered oot her skull... "Senior directors insisted we go enjoy ourselves." Phoned me from the cabana on the beach, "This is, like, our OOOONLY down time." Cause like, all the drinking and beach volleyball, and jetskis, and fancy fucking restaurants, and yachting aboot the fucking place, that's been hard work.

 

"Killed many terrorists?" I asked

 

"Lots of terrorists." she slurs.

 

"You shut your lying whore mouth!" I should have said. "You shut your lying whore mouth and go kill some fucking terrorists!"

 

But I didn't. I said, "That's nice. If you need me I'll be ootside in the blizzard, trying to snowblow in below freezing temperatures. Then I'm going to heat a hotpocket for my dinner. Later I'm going to try wanking into an empty cider can."

 

On the plus side, my new sausage skins arrived, so I'll be making sausage this weekend.

 

It's a rock and roll lifestyle I live.

[E-P-K]

You getting the "historic" snow storm planned to hit states this weekender ?

[Ke1t]

You getting the "historic" snow storm planned to hit states this weekender ?

 

Getting the edge of it... had about 5" here already, Been out there twice to clear the drive at the side of the hoose, looking like it's going to start coming down again.

 

This is better than Clearwater, though.

 

[The Boofon]

You should have bought a load of coke and just got wired all weekend watching porn.

[BrianFaePerth]

had about 5" here already

 

Good man Kelt, thats clearly good porn

[Ke1t]

You should have bought a load of coke and just got wired all weekend watching porn.

 

Coke and porn and booze would be fucking magic. With an Asian hooker to keep me company for 48 straight hours of drunken coke-shagging, while said Asiatic darling squeals, "Ooooh, you so BEEG, Mista Kelt!" as she bounces energetically on the old 3 inches.

 

What's actually going to happen, though, is me maybe getting smashed, on my own, and deciding to make some sausages.

 

I also have a shitload of homework to turn in, so at some point I have to sober up long enough to write about ten pages of meandering pish in a style that is uniquely my own

 

[Jones]

Coke and porn and booze would be fucking magic. With an Asian hooker to keep me company for 48 straight hours of drunken coke-shagging, while said Asiatic darling squeals, "Ooooh, you so BEEG, Mista Kelt!" as she bounces energetically on the old 3 inches.

 

What's actually going to happen, though, is me maybe getting smashed, on my own, and deciding to make some sausages.

 

I also have a shitload of homework to turn in, so at some point I have to sober up long enough to write about ten pages of meandering pish in a style that is uniquely my own

 

 

That is the freakiest middle finger i've ever seen.

[Jones]

Would you rather have Michelle McManus ram her thick Lawsons sausages up yer cackpipe?

 

I'm not sure who she is but I'm guessing, no?

[ferlaytio]

Getting the edge of it... had about 5" here already, Been out there twice to clear the drive at the side of the hoose, looking like it's going to start coming down again.

 

This is better than Clearwater, though.

 

 

I'm off to Florida in a week, about 30 mins from Clearwater. I can easy look after your missus if she's lonely down there?