All The Shit You Can't Be Arsed With

[Ke1t]

Usually I don't mind taking the loon places, but this is the time of year that does my nut in.

 

For some reason it seems traditional for Yanks to 'get together' and 'go places' and 'nip my tits' for the start of the Christmas season... and for some reason it's always "You know those friends of mine that you fucking hate, Kelt? Well, I've arranged for us to spend an entire day in their company, because fuck you. Won't that be great.?"

 

It won't be great.

 

This year she's found some fucking train that offers magical journeys through a Wintry Wonderland, stopping off at the 'North Pole' and visiting 'Santa's Grotto/Workshop/Fermer's barn that some teuchter daubed with a couple of bits of tinsel'.

 

For a mere 50 bucks and a giant slice of your will to live, you can be whisked off at low speeds along an abandoned railway line, on a train that legally should have stopped running 75 years ago, while homeless jakies dressed as Elves walk up and down the aisle, engaging your kids in talk of reindeer, flying sleighs, jolly St Nick, and how they've been off the crack pipe for 6 months, and this Elf gig is the first step towards getting back together with their girlfriend that they used to batter every night, but that wasn't him that was the crack."

 

Meanwhile the wife's least likeable mate and her husband will be chittering away in my fucking lug like a couple of demented squirrels, while I press my face against the glass of the train window and blankly watch empty farmland slowly trundle by at about 5 miles an hour for 8 fucking hours.

 

At this time of year all the animals will be in barns or pens, not in the fields, so you can't even alleviate your boredom guessing what kind of food each animal will be turned into.

 

"Oh, there's a horse... that'll be a Markies Lasagne."

 

"Oh, a coo.... your arsehole and fud will end up in oxtail soup, so have fun with that."

 

Despite my best attempts to ignore the other couple, the wife will make absolutely sure that I'm forced to speak to them. "Oh, Kelt, tell Chuck and Chuckina all about something mundane that you don't ever want to talk about. \GO on, tell them about that time that fuck all happened. Go on. Tell them. Kelt. TELL THEM NOW!"

 

This year's brilliant couple will be Shakin' Jesus and his wife, I'm told, and their numerous 'gifts from god' in the form of a whole fucking bunch of kids.

 

I call him Shakin' Jesus because he had a stroke when he was in his twenties, and now his entire left hand side frequently, but at random moments, begins to shake uncontrollably. So if you ever go to the bar with him, as I was forced to do, never hand him his drink in his left hand... not unless you want to wear the fucking thing.

 

...and he loves god. He's a reformed atheist who now FIRMLY believes in the Tenets of the Catholic faith... because his boss is a Catholic and Shaky wants promotion.

 

So there's something else we can talk about. Religion. He'll be telling all the kids, and trying to poison my loons mind at the same time, about the religious aspect of Christmas...

 

...and this is what gets on my shit most of all. I can deal with these cunts on a good day, but when someone starts trying to tell my kid about how Jesus came down from the sky with the magical golden pumpkins and spread Christmassy joy over all the Children's faces, that's when I start to lose my shit.

 

Anyway... that'll be my Sunday.

 

[Pudgie]

Stupid cunts in shops. Seems the lower the class of the shop, the more fucking zombie like the clientele is.

[Ke1t]

Stupid cunts in shops. Seems the lower the class of the shop, the more fucking zombie like the clientele is.

 

Chicks who park their shopping baskets across the aisle, so you have to stand there until they decide to move.

 

Really, you can't figure out you're blocking the whole aisle... or do you just not care, you twat?

[Jigot]

Is Thanksgiving this Thursday? That's when the Yanks start wishing each other "Happy Holidays" to a level of patronization and insincerity only they and they alone can reach. I have had the misfortune to be visiting "kin" at this,the most miserable 3-4 weeks you could imagine. It gives me the grue thinking about it.

 

Stay brave Ke1t, just stay brave laddie.

[360]

The Simpsons episodes that were written after 1999.

[Bluto10]

tups ace post about mods

[Jigot]

Site inductions, what a fucking waste of time and money when it is all one big fucking pass the buck exercise just to shield the big knobs. "Every man is their own safety officer" just underlines what I stated above.

[The Boofon]

Site inductions, what a fucking waste of time and money when it is all one big fucking pass the buck exercise just to shield the big knobs. "Every man is their own safety officer" just underlines what I stated above.

People not taking safety seriously. I canna be arsed with them.

[Dom Sullivan]

Is Thanksgiving this Thursday? That's when the Yanks start wishing each other "Happy Holidays" to a level of patronization and insincerity only they and they alone can reach. I have had the misfortune to be visiting "kin" at this,the most miserable 3-4 weeks you could imagine. It gives me the grue thinking about it.

 

Stay brave Ke1t, just stay brave laddie.

Yeah third Thursday in November.

 

Been there a few times at Thanksgiving and as you say the "Happy Holidays" is syrupy insincerity at an extreme level.

 

Followed by Black Friday when the Yanks queue for hours for any old shite on sale at the likes of Target.

 

Makes the New Year Day sales seem like a picnic

[Moorie86]

Yeah third Thursday in November.

Been there a few times at Thanksgiving and as you say the "Happy Holidays" is syrupy insincerity at an extreme level.

Followed by Black Friday when the Yanks queue for hours for any old shite on sale at the likes of Target.

Makes the New Year Day sales seem like a picnic

Is it techanly new year sales now? Shops open on Boxing Day, seems start from there. Guess that's one folk who go shopping on Boxing Day, Boxing Day is for eating turkey sandwiches and watching shite movies and shite football

[tainboy]

I fucking hate Christmas. The ONLY good thing about it is the joy on the bairns faces. And time off.

 

I hate the whole gung ho shite. I could easily tell people to suck my balls once I've ran up 8 flights of stairs.

[Ke1t]

Yeah third Thursday in November.

 

Been there a few times at Thanksgiving and as you say the "Happy Holidays" is syrupy insincerity at an extreme level.

 

Followed by Black Friday when the Yanks queue for hours for any old shite on sale at the likes of Target.

 

Makes the New Year Day sales seem like a picnic

 

Black Friday's hilarious, so long as you don't get involved in it yourself.

 

A store will advertise 95% off a couple of Plasma Tellies, and the line will be round the block from the night before. Then the doors open and everyone stampedes in like a herd of retarded poor folks... which is what they are.... and the two strongest, fastest retards make a beeline straight to the 95% off Plasma Tellies, but are instantly overwhelmed by a sea of other retarded poor folks, and a massive 'Survival of the 'Tardest' ensues, which involves punching, kicking, biting, scratching, and, very often, shooting.

 

All the rest of the stuff is marked down like 5%, and the powertards will grab these items as though they're getting a massive discount... these people have no fucking idea how much a 5% discount is, all they see is a massive sign saying SALE! and they reckon they're making a killing. "Fav purcents off'n a food pro-sess-ur... lessee na, fav purcent off'n a hunnerd bucks'd be... eight hunnerd buck!!!! Dang, I's getsin 800 bucks off'n this here hunnerd dalla food pro-sess-ur!"

 

And yeah, people spray CS gas on each other, a couple of folks will murder other folks for the massive savings of 10 bucks off an X-Box One. Assault is just expected at one of these events, so you'll literally see people wrestling.. they call it Wrasslin' ... on the floor in their primal need to get a set of soup spoons for retail price.

 

All this is shown in glorious, futuristical, Technicolor! on the 10 o'clock news... and we always make a point of tuning in because it's hilarious to laugh at these fucking morons.

 

The sadist in me wants to ask a department store to live feed their security cameras so I can watch this shit live, and invite the friends I can stand... not Shakin' Jesus, though... round for a party.

 

Black Friday is, without question, the greatest even in modern civilisation. It pisses on boring shite like the World Cup, the Champion's League final, or New Year. Not since the Romans set slaves against each other in the arena has there been such a joyous outpouring of primal, human violence and stupidity.

 

It... is ... fucking... awesome.

 

Last days of Rome, people... may as well enjoy it.

 

 

[Guest]

I find zero hilarity in the degradation of others.

 

Maybe I'm not American enough?

 

Those cunts are filth. I wouldn't advocate living amongst filth.

 

Head for the North East, people.

 

And root it out of cunts who don't have the NE attitude.

[fine-n-dandy]

I cannot be arsed reading really long posts.

Much prefer writing them

[Ke1t]

I cannot be arsed reading really long posts.

Much prefer writing them

 

I don't mind a long post if it's entertaining.

 

If it's not entertaining I'll stop reading.

 

For my part, I'm confident I could write a 20 page dissertation on observing the dehydration of wall-decorating compounds and people would be compelled to read it right to the end, before starting all over again.

 

CS's posts are long, but dryer than the cunt of an elderly nun... I rarely get to the end of his lengthier efforts.

 

Then again, there are posters so dull I can't even read past their username.

[Guest]

For my part, I'm confident I could write a 20 page dissertation on observing the dehydration of wall-decorating compounds and people would be compelled to read it right to the end, before starting all over again.

 

One should canvass opinion before making presumptuous statements that appear to be conclusions.

 

Narcissim is tolerable with talent. When the former exceeds the latter, it becomes obnoxious.

[Clydeside_Sheep]

Usually I don't mind taking the loon places, but this is the time of year that does my nut in.

Agreed, I dislike a lot about Christmas.

 

An ever-expanding period of heavy social pressure for people to spend money which they have not got, coupled with a perverse need to force us all to spend an unhealthy amount of time in the company of our close relations.

 

Then there is the annual list of shitey Christmas tunes which are trotted out with depressing regularity, usually appearing in the shops before the last of the sun-tan lotion has disappeared from the shelves.

 

Meanwhile, people damage the enviroment by sending one another greeting cards with meaningless pictures, eg of Robin Red Breasts (!?!) or Snow covered fields (!?!), adorned with inane messages such as "happy festive season" or other empty drivel.

 

And we can usually expect some dobber to be prancing around the office wearing imitation antlers or whilst wrapped in tinsel.

 

Its almost enough to make one embrace Christianity.

 

When we were kids my mother would always insist on us having a traditional advent calendar at christmas - ie one of a nativity scene where the daily boxes revealed a symbol related to this. Most of my class mates + friends would have santa or snowman calenders instead, which had a high-sugar chocolate treat being each door - heathen dogs / fat c*nts.

 

I hated this at the time, (I would have done anything for a chocolatey santa calendar), but now I appreciate it because its really good to have a bit of meaning beyond "Secular Christmas" which is little more than a capitalist extravaganza and celebration of greed and excess.

 

If I am lucky enough to have kids, they will have "proper" nativity advent calendars too. I look forward to the frustration and the tears.

 

At Christmas time, Midnight Mass is where its at:

 

Adeste Fidelis ("Come all ye faithful") - Luciano Pavarotti

 

 

Once in Royal Davids City - Westminster Cathedral Choir

 

 

Gaudete - Steeleye Span (I like this version, because the vernacular accent in the latin is authentic of peasant Christianity - and it was in Alan Partridge )

 

 

Gaudete, gaudete! Christus est natus

Ex Maria virgine, gaudete!

 

Rejoice, rejoice! Christ is born

Of the Virgin Mary, rejoice!

 

The true glory of Christmas is magnificent.

 

He's a reformed atheist who now FIRMLY believes in the Tenets of the Catholic faith... because his boss is a Catholic and Shaky wants promotion.

 

Thats absurd, if he wanted promotion, it would be much easier just to bribe the guy or suck him off or whatever.

 

No one ever adopts a religion because its a vehicle for some puerile earthly ambition.

 

You atheists are crazy

 

Hes probably a Catholic because he realised what a great use of ones Sunday it is, rather than lying in bed farting:

 

Grand Messe (1962 missal) St Nicholas Du Chardonnet (Paris)

 

At the very least, watch the "asperges me" approx 4:00 - 6:40. For the atheist mind - High Culture. The priest usually says this quietly to himself at the start of a mass, as a means of acknowledging his unworthiness to approach God. However, in a mass of this calibre (in the video) they will have a bit of ceremony to include the lay people. The holy water he sprinkles them with is to remind them of their baptism (a ceremony which uses water).

 

I like the French-accented latin when the priest is chanting at the end of this segment (as per Gaudete comments above. At the same time his chant is Universal, yet still recognisably French.

 

Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor,

Lavabis me, et super nivem dealbabor.

Miserere mei, Deus, secundum magnam misericordiam tuam

 

Gloria Patri et Filio et Spiritui Sancto

Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum. Amen

 

Thou wilt sprinkle me, O Lord, with hyssop and I shall be cleansed

Thou wilt wash me, and I shall be washed whiter than snow. [my emphasis]

Pity me, O God, according to Thy great mercy.

 

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

[Ke1t]

His sudden and unheralded conversion to Catholicism was a direct result of his employ in County government, where certain 'family values' are expected, an atheism is a quick ticket to dismissal.

 

As for sucking cock, figuratively that's pretty much what he is doing. Abandoning principles for political expedience.

 

He didn't just convert though... now he' Super Catholic... it's nauseating to see that degree of a lack of principles.

[NorthernLights24]

I've reached the stage where I can't be fucked with Christmas. I used to like it but I have become a complete cynic about it now and it feels like a relief when it is over.

[Ke1t]

I've reached the stage where I can't be fucked with Christmas. I used to like it but I have become a complete cynic about it now and it feels like a relief when it is over.

 

I find that alcohol makes Christmas easier.

 

Alcohol makes everything easier, though.

 

From the big philisophical questions to simply driving your car along a motorway at 110mph... everything becomes a doddle once you've had a good bucket.*

 

* Does not pertain to every user.

[NorthernLights24]

 

I find that alcohol makes Christmas easier.

 

Alcohol makes everything easier, though.

 

From the big philisophical questions to simply driving your car along a motorway at 110mph... everything becomes a doddle once you've had a good bucket.*

 

* Does not pertain to every user.

 

Surprisingly Christmas is a time of year where I drink very little, mostly because I've don't find getting drunk in the company of family to be a fun experience. Maybe this year I should take a different approach.

 

Already had a sarcastic comment about my Amazon wishlist today

[Ke1t]

 

Surprisingly Christmas is a time of year where I drink very little, mostly because I've don't find getting drunk in the company of family to be a fun experience. Maybe this year I should take a different approach.

 

Already had a sarcastic comment about my Amazon wishlist today

 

What's on it?

[NorthernLights24]

 

What's on it?

 

At the time it was mostly just boxsets I've had my eye on for a while like Farscape and Fringe.

[AndrewW]

 

Chicks who park their shopping baskets across the aisle, so you have to stand there until they decide to move.

 

Really, you can't figure out you're blocking the whole aisle... or do you just not care, you twat?

 

I get really pissed off with folk who, for some reason, don't seem to want to get along with everyone else. Why can't folk just do general polite things and then we can all ignore each other and get on. I love politeness as it means I don't have to engage with the majority of the brain dead population.

[Poodler]

Haha superb kelt, good luck!

[Jigot]

 

I find that alcohol makes Christmas easier.

 

Alcohol makes everything easier, though.

 

From the big philisophical questions to simply driving your car along a motorway at 110mph... everything becomes a doddle once you've had a good bucket.*

 

* Does not pertain to every user.

o/t I ken but that reminded me of the time I was driving up the big incline on the M90 south of Perth in my Nissan SX fucked oot my face on Skunk. All these big artics were overtaking me and I screamed at my wife sitting next to me " how fast are they cunts going? " She started pishing herself pointing to my speedo. I was doing an exhilarating 20 mph when I thought I was doing a speed in the regions of the speed of fucking light. You wont be surprised to ken I never shmoked n drove again. I once tanned 12 tin of Guinness Draught on the way to Pittodrie mind you.(The game big Zal got red carded for fuck all and I saw him kick the door in)

[Ke1t]

o/t I ken but that reminded me of the time I was driving up the big incline on the M90 south of Perth in my Nissan SX fucked oot my face on Skunk. All these big artics were overtaking me and I screamed at my wife sitting next to me " how fast are they cunts going? " She started pishing herself pointing to my speedo. I was doing an exhilarating 20 mph when I thought I was doing a speed in the regions of the speed of fucking light. You wont be surprised to ken I never shmoked n drove again. I once tanned 12 tin of Guinness Draught on the way to Pittodrie mind you.(The game big Zal got red carded for fuck all and I saw him kick the door in)

 

For my birthday a few years ago the wife got me something like a hundred bottles of beer... but because my wife can't do anything simple like just walking into an off license and ordering a hundred bottles of beer, my gift entailed going to a brewery and brewing my own beer, then several weeks later going back and bottling it, sticking it in boxes and carting it home.

 

So we went along to the brewery, I chose my poison, set it a-brewin', and that was that.

 

Some weeks later we go back to bottle it, and it being a brewery we were sampling my beer as we were bottling and boxing it.

 

Unbeknownst (there's a word you rarely see) unbeknownst to me, this beer was brutally alcoholic, so by the time we've got my 70-something remaining bottles of superlager in boxes we're both absolutely shit-faced.

 

I can barely load the boxes into the back of my jeep, the wife is sitting in the car alternately greeting that she feels terrible and trying to find a thrash metal station on the radio, because she blootered and now in full on bar-mode.

 

Grasping the wheel in a death grip we wheel out of the brewery and through the residential subdivisions, and a trip home that should take 10 minutes takes us near on 45 minutes as we stott around lost and pished in our own part of town.

 

Now I have to get ready to go on a magical train ride to the North Pole.

 

I know you're thinking Polar Express

 

 

But the reality is more

 

[BrianFaePerth]

Work.

 

 

 

 

 

Apart from that Mrs Byen belongs to a Fretting Moms group that have been together since oor eldest was weeks old. The 4 wimmen get on great, which is nice for them. Problem is when the menfolk are invited to get-togethers eh have to sit with two of the biggest blowhards in Norway, which is a fuckin achievement, and a boy who is utterly boring. This coming Sunday is the next one

[Jigot]

 

For my birthday a few years ago the wife got me something like a hundred bottles of beer... but because my wife can't do anything simple like just walking into an off license and ordering a hundred bottles of beer, my gift entailed going to a brewery and brewing my own beer, then several weeks later going back and bottling it, sticking it in boxes and carting it home.

 

So we went along to the brewery, I chose my poison, set it a-brewin', and that was that.

 

Some weeks later we go back to bottle it, and it being a brewery we were sampling my beer as we were bottling and boxing it.

 

Unbeknownst (there's a word you rarely see) unbeknownst to me, this beer was brutally alcoholic, so by the time we've got my 70-something remaining bottles of superlager in boxes we're both absolutely shit-faced.

 

I can barely load the boxes into the back of my jeep, the wife is sitting in the car alternately greeting that she feels terrible and trying to find a thrash metal station on the radio, because she blootered and now in full on bar-mode.

 

Grasping the wheel in a death grip we wheel out of the brewery and through the residential subdivisions, and a trip home that should take 10 minutes takes us near on 45 minutes as we stott around lost and pished in our own part of town.

 

Now I have to get ready to go on a magical train ride to the North Pole.

 

I know you're thinking Polar Express

 

 

But the reality is more

 

Neggatoarie Ke1t, it gave me the notion to give Polar Nights (Scorpions) a blast which turned into the urge to gie Sabbath's "Snowblind" a much needed dusting doon, which brings me to the usual finale in chateau du jigot. The Ozzy Osbourne and The Blizzards of Oz album. Love it that much I've bought the cunt, 3 times.

[reekie_dock]

People not taking safety seriously. I canna be arsed with them.

Safety is a load oh bollocks anyway!!! Do you think Rockafeller was worried about saftey back when Derricks were made oh wood and men were made oh steel!!!!