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Berti Vogts gets stoned

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Anyone read this in the Retard today ?


Nigeria lost to Uganda and Berti was stoned by the crowd......pissed myself. :itch-chin::dontknow:


That is some result if true.

My parents have just returned from a few months in Uganda and while they were there Uganda played Nigeria. Uganda scored a last minute equaliser that sent the nation in unbridled celebration. Unfortunately the Senegalese referee disallowed the goal (not that some folk noticed. My Dad was commiserating with one of the locals the next day and he had no idea the goal had been disallowed as the all sprinted out the pub and started celebrating in the streets when it went in)

Anyway the next day the papers were full of stories about how the ref was in the pay of Nigeria, a crook and cheat, amongst other things.


Good to see Berti is as good at football management as ever. Uganda beating Nigeria must be the equivalent of our draw with the Faroes, if not worse

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wonder if it had anything to do with these pre-match suggestions:



As soon as the Nigerians land at Entebbe Airport, we bundle them off to a far off place like Gulu, by road. Thereafter, we rattle the insides of their stomach by subjecting them to another rough ride on some of our notorious pot-holed roads to Kayunga for lunch. But make it a point they have breakfast at noon and lunch in the evening!


Collude with the cook to 'spice' their food with something that would make them spend the entire stay running to the toilet. After all, isn't that what Tottenham fans in England accuse Arsenal of doing to them in order to beat them to forth position in the 2005/06 season? It could have been with the help of hotel cook.


Just to fill you in if you were born yesterday: Former Cranes goalkeeper Ssali who stood in the posts in 1978 Nations Cup final against Ghana says is exactly the same sinister methods the Ghanaians employed to beat the Cranes 2-0 and lift the trophy.


"We suspected what would happen to our food and advised our leader of delegation governor Nassur Abdalla that we prepare our own food or at least eat in a Chinese restaurant. He refused."


"We ate their food then were made to go through a tunnel that had been sprayed with nasty foul-smelling chemicals. During the match, half the Ugandan team was sick.


Just picture the same scene at Namboole. Half the Nigerians sick with running stomachs and disoriented, making blind passes and running out of steam after only 20 minutes and the final score reading 4-0 in favour of the Cranes.


If they are going to stay at the posh Serena Hotel, let us ensure that the entire Nigerian delegation does not grab a wink. How? Make ear-shattering noise that will shake the walls and rattle the insides of their stomach.


Let us stage a kasiki or 'graduation party' at Blue Africa Restaurant, which is situated just across the road. The DJ should be given instructions to pump the music so loud that their intestines will be shaken to jelly. You have seen those huge billboards on the roadside boldly screaming: 'Booze and driving don't mix... If you drink don't drive'. Well, the same can be said of sex and football. The two do not 'mix' either. Most especially, on the eve of the match.


Let us find a way of luring the Nigerian players, including their officials, in this sex trap. Unleash a platoon of beautiful prostitutes to 'welcome' them at Entebbe Airport as soon as their plane touches down.


Later in the evening, they should hang around the Nigerian players hotel. Fufa should strike a secret deal with the management of the hotel to employ the prostitutes at least for two days as hotel staff. The 'new' staff should be given access to Nigeria players' rooms.


For heavens sake, do not let the Nigerians train in Namboole for three hours. They should not even be allowed 30 minutes. Lock them out. If they feel they really want to stretch their legs and do some ball work, show them the tarmacked parking yard, or take them to a hard pitch somewhere in Lukuli. Remember that is exactly what they did to us in Abeukuta.


If they sprain their ankles on either of the fields, so much the better for us. Won't it sound like sweet music to our ears, if strikers Kanu and Yakubu pull out of the match at the last minute after spraining their ankles during the last training in Lukuli?


Besides, did Niger whose preparations, it is alleged, Nigeria financed, accord us that hospitality of training in the national stadium before the match was played?


Now that we know who is going to officiate, let us not only slip an envelop with 'Kitu Kidogo', we should also convince the ref to wear a Uganda Cranes T-shirt and have his photo taken and run in the papers the following day. That will certainly throw the Nigeria camp in turmoil.


They will demand that the Egyptians are replaced by other match officials, which I do not think will be granted by the powers that be at CAF headquarters. Most importantly, we should not let any Nigerian official get near the Egyptian's refs.


Abeokuta should be one lesson enough. Nigerian might be one of the powerful nations in Africa. But being African, they believe in witchcraft and are so afraid of it. Want proof? Watch their movies.


Strangely, they also think that when it comes to choosing who is best in practicing the dark arts of juju between Uganda and Nigeria, we are the best and also breed better sorcerers. Now whoever told them that did us a good favour.


Let us score a psychological one over them and by exploiting their fear to our advantage. The late Patrick Kawooya used to do it. Any fan will tell you that Villa's success in the 1980s and 1990 was partly hinged on witchcraft.


Other clubs like the defunct Nile FC, Express and KCC, also had someone on their payroll, whose sole duty was to seek the help of sorcerers before the match.


A Villa fan effectively used this trick during a cup winner replay against Vital O in Bujumbura in the 1990s. He stunned the Burundian fans by killing chicken with his teeth! Vital O was knocked out and Villa matched all the way to final before falling 6-2 to Club Esperance of Tunisia.


To scare the hell out the Nigerians, slaughter chicken and hang the severed heads and legs on the doors, including that of their German coach Berti Vogts (pronounced Betty Votes).


However, save for the D-Day at Namboole. Smear blood on the walls of the dressing rooms. The goal posts too. Plant more severed chicken heads and legs at each corner post.


Someone should leak information to the Nigerians, that Uganda Cranes have hired a powers' sorcerer who spends most of his time among the dead and fish in the underworld situated below our Lake Victoria.


Spice up the story with some gory details... That he feeds on blood... Can turn the ball into a wild beast or a poisonous serpent.


Lastly, let us turn Namboole into a fortress. Shout at the top of our lungs from the first whistle till the end of the match. Let us make so much noise that the players will not be able to hear each other or the commands of their coach Berti Vogts (pronounced Betty Votes as in Betty Nambooze).


Let us make so much noise and shut out their 200 or so fufu-eating fans who are expected to fly in to give them support.


The big-boned Nigerians will not only wet their pants with fear! They will certainly fall. The greatest feeling for me is: Justice will have been done.

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My dad was born in Kampala in Uganda so technically I should be delighted by the result for reasons of national pride but frankly the thought of Berti's napper getting rattled with some rocks while he yells 'but my boyce, they did vell' makes me laugh loudly to myself.

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