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the worst pain i think weve all felt

robbo

By robbo,
in The Pub

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robbo Newbie

robbo

Posted
Posted

im of course talking about sex farts.

 

Not the quiet little ones you can sneak out either when your throwin your mrs about. Im talkin about the ones you can feel are massive and will kill the mood completely should you allow it to escape. So you have to clentch tight and make sure you get ontop coz if she gets ontop and bounces on your inflated stomach, your blowing the tv through the wall.

 

im sure you all feel my pain.

 

Im now waiting for ultrarobin to chip in with some story that will make us all gag but crack us up at the same time.

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Guest CAPSLOCK

Guest CAPSLOCK

Posted
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JUST NIP OUT THE ROOM, FART, THEN RETURN WITH SOME LUBE/CHOC SAUCE/WHIPPY CREAM/ROPE/ICE CUBES/GIMP MASK/HANDCUFFS/POOL BALLS.

 

JOB DONE.

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hopeisimportant Newbie

hopeisimportant

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Once when I was visiting my ex in Glasgow for the weekend she had no toilet roll in the flat. Being quite early in the relationship and me not wanting to admit I was bursting for a dump in front of her and her two female flatmates I stayed quiet assuming someone would buy some the next day.

 

The Saturday morning comes and goes with the beer sh*t seriously testing my body. Still, I held it in not wanting to complain. Out for a few drinks on the Sat night as well, the growing pain subsided a little as the poo retreated for a while.

 

Well feck me, 7am Sunday morning I wake up in major 'holding the toley in' pain. I go for a wee check hoping that some sh*tter paper had magically appeared in the last 4 hours since I went to sleep - carefully making sure I do not wake up the bird (sorry, the lazy unhygenic bitch who won't buy any paper). Alas, none had arrived. I was getting really pissed off. A few sleepless hours later when we were both up and with my stomach down to my arse felling like it was about to explode I popped the question - "Are you planning on getting some toilet roll?". It was easier than I thought and in hindsight I should've done it sooner.

 

Some was purchased from the corner shop that morning/noon and my god I think that is the best sh*t I have ever done. Never will I go through that again as it was horrible.

 

How do 3 girls in a flat manage without toilet roll? Gads, and to think what I was getting up to with the new relationship sex to impress. Lucky I was drunk!

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Cowie Newbie

Cowie

Posted
Posted
Once when I was visiting my ex in Glasgow for the weekend she had no toilet roll in the flat. Being quite early in the relationship and me not wanting to admit I was bursting for a dump in front of her and her two female flatmates I stayed quiet assuming someone would buy some the next day.

 

The Saturday morning comes and goes with the beer sh*t seriously testing my body. Still, I held it in not wanting to complain. Out for a few drinks on the Sat night as well, the growing pain subsided a little as the poo retreated for a while.

 

Well feck me, 7am Sunday morning I wake up in major 'holding the toley in' pain. I go for a wee check hoping that some sh*tter paper had magically appeared in the last 4 hours since I went to sleep - carefully making sure I do not wake up the bird (sorry, the lazy unhygenic bitch who won't buy any paper). Alas, none had arrived. I was getting really pissed off. A few sleepless hours later when we were both up and with my stomach down to my arse felling like it was about to explode I popped the question - "Are you planning on getting some toilet roll?". It was easier than I thought and in hindsight I should've done it sooner.

 

Some was purchased from the corner shop that morning/noon and my god I think that is the best sh*t I have ever done. Never will I go through that again as it was horrible.

 

How do 3 girls in a flat manage without toilet roll? Gads, and to think what I was getting up to with the new relationship sex to impress. Lucky I was drunk!

 

Just to get this straight.... you held a sh*t in for 3 days?

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hopeisimportant Newbie

hopeisimportant

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Just to get this straight.... you held a sh*t in for 3 days?

 

Well, I could've done with one on Friday night but not desperate so waited. Sunday noon was the big event!

 

 

Why not go then? :dontknow:

 

A good point. The discomfort/pain subsided when I was out and I forgot about it. Plus, when out on a Saturday night I do not fancy pooping in any bar/club bogs! You're right though. It would've solved the problem. Also I think I didn't want the bird to be sitting at a table knowing I was away doing a dump. Stupid I know.

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Fife-Don Newbie

Fife-Don

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Well, I could've done with one on Friday night but not desperate so waited. Sunday noon was the big event!

 

 

 

 

A good point. The discomfort/pain subsided when I was out and I forgot about it. Plus, when out on a Saturday night I do not fancy pooping in any bar/club bogs! You're right though. It would've solved the problem. Also I think I didn't want the bird to be sitting at a table knowing I was away doing a dump. Stupid I know.

 

f*cking hell min, nae likely yer bird was gonna dump ye cos you left her for a few minutes while ye took a sh*te! ITS ONLY NATURAL

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robbo Newbie

robbo

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i feel your pain. When i was starting out with my bird, i couldnt imagine going for a dump at her house, and itd always strike me just as i got to hers and then youd just feel it swimming about. Then shed ask me to stay over so you spend a sleepless night with the dookie in there and the fart pressure building also so by now you cant even go because its night and youll wake everyone in the house with one of those fog horn farts. By the time id get the last bus home the next day i couldnt run for the fear of squitters so you have to clentch and shuffle quickly up the road. Fight with you keys to get in, swing the toilet door open and collapse onto the seat.

 

I have learned over the years that if you rock back and forth it makes the process faster and a lot easier on your bunghole, espec when youve been holding it for a long time

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Guest CAPSLOCK

Guest CAPSLOCK

Posted
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IT'S YOUR GOD GIVEN RIGHT AS A MALE TO GO ROUND SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE, PUB OR CLUB AND STINK THE PLACE OUT TO HIGH DOE.

 

NOT TO MENTION TELLING HER YOU'LL "BE GONE QUITE SOME TIME" AS YOU FIRE A FOLDED NEWSPAPER PAPER INTO YOUR ARMPIT, COMPLETE WITH SUNDAY SUPLIMENTS.

 

SCARED TO TAKE A SH

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Nespa Newbie

Nespa

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I had a morningafter fart ( we had got an Indian on the way home fae the dancing) a few months back and the bird was hanging out the windae boakin!!! nearly puked her load!!!Funny as feck!!!

 

she came back so couldnae have been that bad!!!

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robbo Newbie

robbo

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I think you guys should stop having so many hangups about normal bodily functions

 

Girls fart too we just don't talk about it as much as you do

 

id agree to an extent, but linking back to the initial post, how would you appreciate it, rolling round, really hot as f*ck action goin on then your husband goes "oop, hang on a second" lifts his arse into the air then HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP "aaaaaaaaah, much better, where were we?"

 

kinda kill the mood

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hebrewdon Newbie

hebrewdon

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Posted
id agree to an extent, but linking back to the initial post, how would you appreciate it, rolling round, really hot as f*ck action goin on then your husband goes "oop, hang on a second" lifts his arse into the air then HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP "aaaaaaaaah, much better, where were we?"

 

kinda kill the mood

 

That's never gonna happen tho..........................................really hot action with my husband no chance

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baldrick_sheep Newbie

baldrick_sheep

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I think the sooner you take a sh*t at your birds the better in a relationship.

 

You are going to do it eventually, and if she is going to dump you for it you may aswell find out quickly.

 

Also, hopeisimportant, i just dont buy that. Especially if it was initiated by drinking on the friday night. Surely if you are drunk in a club you dont care about sh*tting in a club?

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Guest ultrarobin

Guest ultrarobin

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Hmm, I rarely need to fart during the event itself but when it comes to climax farts just tend to have a mass exodus from my hole, it practically comes out in the same squirty squirty pattern as the semen does. Probably something to do with relaxing that whole area and the farts just fall out. Certainly ruins the moment from a passionate sense, but farting while ejeculating is a wonderful feeling physically. Suggest you hold it in during the event then let rip when you regin to climax.

 

I don't suggest doing this while you're masturbating and she's licking your scrotum.

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Cowie Newbie

Cowie

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Hmm, I rarely need to fart during the event itself but when it comes to climax farts just tend to have a mass exodus from my hole, it practically comes out in the same squirty squirty pattern as the semen does. Probably something to do with relaxing that whole area and the farts just fall out. Certainly ruins the moment from a passionate sense, but farting while ejeculating is a wonderful feeling physically. Suggest you hold it in during the event then let rip when you regin to climax.

 

All you would need to do then is sneeze and it wold be xmas time........

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  • 4 years later...
lethal707 Newbie

lethal707

Posted
Posted

Hmm, I rarely need to fart during the event itself but when it comes to climax farts just tend to have a mass exodus from my hole, it practically comes out in the same squirty squirty pattern as the semen does. Probably something to do with relaxing that whole area and the farts just fall out. Certainly ruins the moment from a passionate sense, but farting while ejeculating is a wonderful feeling physically. Suggest you hold it in during the event then let rip when you regin to climax.

 

I don't suggest doing this while you're masturbating and she's licking your scrotum.

 

This for me is one of the top posts of all time... :hysterical:

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