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morrice the butcher's brither

blin lemon

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Just this once mind......


Oh, a'richt then.


Ye'll mind, if ye've been readin morrice the butcher's britherly updates, that a wikk or twa back there appeared the tale o the neighbours o the shoppie that were haein trouble conceivin?


Aye well, chief amang the characters wis a soo that wiis in morrice the butchers' shoppie's backie. Animals feature frequently in morrice the butcher's brither yarns, like thon cuddy at Hogmanay and the twa randy dogs.


I digress, however. The soo in question will feature in a whilie, so read on. Ye radge.


Fae time to time in the food-related products trade, there arises the need to ensure that national standards are being maintained. BSE, fitanmoo, botulism, e-coli, listeria. A' key ingredients o morrice the butcher's sassidges, but frowned upon by the authorities, and at the end o October, it wis morrice the butcher's shottie to be inspected by the hygiene mannie fae the HSE.


Now, atween you and me, this wis never a problem. The HSE boy had been comin to inspect morrice the butcher's shoppie for years. He wintit the quiet life, and couldna really be bathered writin reports, deein folly-up visits to ensure that agreed corrective action had indeed been taken and that systems and procedures were now fully compliant wi the relevant sub-sections o the legislation.


That, and the sma inducement in the form o a hillock o mealy jimmies in the boot o his car saw him tick the boxes, turn several blind eyes to potentially serious breaches o butcherly, and butcher's britherly good practice, and gie morrice the butcher a clean bill o health for anither year.


He wis stannin at the back door o the back shoppie haein a news wi morrice the butcher's brither and suppin heartily on a cup o Fair Trade arabica and chawin on an Aitken's saftie clarted wi warm potted heid, when he spotted the soo in the backie.


"A fine healthy lookin soo ye have there, morrice the butcher's brither, min," proffered the bureaucrat, "Sassidges and gammon galore there".


"Gammon? Oh aye," responded morrice the butcher's brither, thinkin o the time that Cove Mary drained him dry to celebrate gettin her new top plate.


"But hing on a mintie," mused the HSE gadgie, "The peer cratur's differently abled. That soo, morrice the butcher's brither, is hirplin aboot yer backie wi a timmer leg on the back. Fit's a' this aboot?"


"It's a lang story," said morrice the butcher's brither.


"Aye, but I've got a' efterneen," replied the hygiene mannie, "For I have already geen ye yer certificate on account o yer exemplary hygiene and food safety practices, and the big bug o mealy jimmies in the boot o ma Mondeo. So, tell a' morrice the butcher's brither min, for I am fair stamfoonert, nae to mention agog at fit possibly could have happened to that soo for her to hae a timmer leg attached to her hinner ein."


"Fair enough," sighed the spinally-curved sassidge-seller's sibling, "It's been aboot five years since we got that soo. She wis the sharger o the litter, rejected by the pig fairmer as bein ower wee and unlikely to develop intae a bacon resource, so wis gey near cast aside. Howivver, een o my kids took affa pity on the beast, and we took her hame. She became like the femly pet. Went walks on a lead doon by the Dee wi the bairns, slept in the kitchen o the hoose and even learnt to dee tricks like a dog. The bairns were fair-trickit to hae sic an unusual pet, and to be honest, the soo jist loved bein spiled by them. ye ken fit bairns are like.


"Onywye, ae day, een o the loons wis takin her oot for a walk doon aside Duthie Park. he wis throwin sticks intae The Dee and the soo, to please the loon wis divin intae the swift-flowin prince o salmon rivers, rising humbly on the side o Braeriach afore gently teemin its weighty load intae the sea at Torry, to retrieve the stick. Then disaster. The loon got ower enthusiastic, and threw himsel in wi the stick.


"Now, although he can sweem, he struggled, for despite its calm appearance, The Dee is deceptively dangerous wi strong undercurrents liable to tak hud o a butcher's brither's loon and sweep him swiftly doon river to the perils o the river mooth and the open North Sea.


"Withoot a thocht, the soo jumped in and grabbed the strugglin loon by the sark collar, pulled him on tae the bank and revived him. Whit a relief tae me and his mither, and whit a debt o gratitude we owe tae that soo for her selfless act o courage and charity.


"Well, ye'd hardly believe it, but aboot a month later, we were a' in wir beds sleepin, when a sma fire broke oot in the livin room. naebody's sure fit caused it, but Bernie the Bolt's hotwire job on wir electricity meter is suspected.


"At deid o nicht, wi naebody aboot, of course, a wee fire seen escalates intae a somefit larger conflagration, pittin in danger life and limb.


"Of course, we were weel asleep. mrs morrice the butcher's sister in law has nae conscience, despite bein the daughter o the divvil, and sleeps soundly. I had had a wee nichtcap o six tins o export and a half bottle o Watsons, so I wis deid to the world as weel.


"The soo wis in the kitchen in her bed, but she must have smeklt the acrid fumes emanatin fae that dangerous hoor o a foam-filled settee we have in the livin room. She battered doon the livin room door wi her ample shooder, ran up the stair and woke us a', jist in time to get the fire brigade roon to pit the fire oot. She saved wir lives. As did the fire bobbies. Gie them their 30% noo. There'll nae doot be money found to bomb peer innocent hoors and radges in Iraq to control the phukkin ile supply if that ersehole Bush decides to act like John phukkin Wayne. Gie the money to the firies. Money to SAVE phukkin lives, nae destroy them. Phukkin strange sense o morality and priorities we've got."


"Aye, I ken, morrice the butchers' brither min, and I agree wi ye," opined the HSE boy, "Bu it hardly explains fit wye that peer hoor o a soo is walkin aboot on three legs and a timmer een."


"Well," mused morrice the butcher's brither, "Ye dinna want to eat a pig like that a' at eence, div ye?"

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Good een Blin, min. Incorporating Quality Assurance and political diatribe to boot! Unfortunately (for them), market forces meant fire mannies had nae chunce o' gettin' 30%. Plenty folk would jump at the chance of a job putin' fires oot at the present salary (20 applicants apply for each post, or something lke that?). Fit aboot gein' maire to folks like those thit care for the elderly, for example? Wipin' auld folks airses isna as exiting as putin' oot fires I'll grant ye, but I'd sooner gie mair dosh towards unattractive jobs such as those helping auld folk see oot their days with dignity. :hysterical:

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  • 5 years later...

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