North Sea Oil Spill

[Big Man]

Just got in tonight and heard about a rumoured oil spill in the north sea. Would appear to be true:

 

http://online.wsj.co...2754151598.html

 

Gannet Alpha Platform

 

Anyone ken anymore? Or work on the platform?

 

Edit: Reuters Africa are carrying this before the BBC have even touched it http://af.reuters.co...E7JC1TN20110812

 

[Redmist1903]

You only need three elements for an oil spill. Oil, water and daylight.

[Bebo]

The time this article was published suggests it was reported at 3pm, but wasn't picked up by the media until at least 4 hours ago.

[Big Man]

Sh*t just got real. The BBC are now in: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-14513509

[Jones]

Christ that platform looks like a dump.

[CrazyBullSheep]

Solution to polution is dilution

[The Boofon]

Solution to polution is dilution

 

 

Or a 24 hour nightshift.

 

Dark o clock.

 

Probably more sh*t goes overboard to the North Sea every night at that time than is reported in this story.

[Big Man]

Or a 24 hour nightshift.

 

Dark o clock.

 

Probably more sh*t goes overboard to the North Sea every night at that time than is reported in this story.

 

Oh aye min, do you work offshore?

 

Have you got a story to share...

[The Boofon]

Oh aye min, do you work offshore?

 

Have you got a story to share...

 

 

Used to. Worked overseas for past 7 years.

 

It's nae 100% accurate my claim but if there is sh*t that needs shifting anytime after night time is the right time to do it.

 

Especially if it's rough weather.

[CrazyBullSheep]

Tanks have to be emptied

[Big Man]

Used to. Worked overseas for past 7 years.

 

It's nae 100% accurate my claim but if there is sh*t that needs shifting anytime after night time is the right time to do it.

 

Especially if it's rough weather.

 

 

Interesting. Iv'e always wondered what it must be like to work offshore, and the sh*t that goes on.

 

Must of been a richt laugh...

[The Boofon]

Think of it as going on a really bad holiday with a bunch of old w*nkers who don't like incomers. Then when you think it can't get worse you find out your sharing a cabin with one of these old w*nkers and not only that he snores like a tractor and farts like 19 year old labrador.

 

Thats the North Sea Platform Version (UK Sector).

 

The only thing worse than that being a short trip offshore in somewhere like Azerbaijan and having to share a cabin with 3 melon pickers.

 

By f**k that's a stink and a half.

 

They once stated that expats needed to stop bringing out there own shampoo as it made the shower floor too slippy. Seriously.

 

How the f**k they knew the condition of the shower cubicle floor I'll never know. Wrong turn while away to squat for a dump I guess.

[The Boofon]

Anyway Big Man re create the experience at home with the following:

 

Rig Simulation

 

I'm not infrequently asked what it's like to be on a rig. So for those of you wishing to share in the experience I have devised a little simulator, so that you too can have your very own offshore experience from the comfort of your own home.

 

First of all, you need to simulate the unit, i.e. the room you'll be spending 12 hours a day. So take a room in your house and divide it in two (a blanket or some bits of board should do the trick): half a typical room is about the size of a typical unit. Remove anything remotely decorative or comfortable, and turn everything remaining grey. Find yourself a metal desk, perhaps a filing cabinet too, and then a chair. Break the chair and try and fix it: make sure you can't sit back and relax. Set up a laptop and other random bits of electronics, and give yourself an intermittent internet connection. If you're feeling particularly determined, have no internet at all.

 

 

We have now our basic workspace, but the ambience is all wrong. Crank up the heat to an unbearable level, and install a gigantic air conditioner/fan in the room. Ensure it doesn't work. Allow it to switch and blast air around very noisily, but make sure it isn't remotely cooling. Just outside of the room/unit, you need to create a source of noise. Perhaps 10-15 hoovers might do the trick. This is mere background noise, to accurately simulate the agonizing screech of the crane I'm currently enduring, you may need to borrow a friend's cat and have it tortured at ten minute intervals. Really, really hurt this cat, over and over again. In fact, put it in front of a megaphone as you do so.

 

 

You may close the door to soften the noises (a little), but if you do so, you must increase the heat greatly.To simulate the PA system, simply turn on your radio, find a grainy piece of static, and put the volume to full blast at random intervals.

 

Ensure there is no intelligible content within.

 

If you choose to simulate dayshift, your hours are 6am to 6pm, with meals at 5.30am, 11am and 6pm: nightshift is the inverse. Meals should consist of very well-done steak (not to be eaten) and chips - or gristle. Do not enjoy. For the foreign rig experience, pour sludge into a vat and add some mystery meats: you are now sampling "culture".

 

 

You are perfectly entitled to go outside at any time, but must wear luminous coveralls, a hardhat, gloves and safety glasses, and listen to ugly men swear. All communication must be grumpy. Humour is only allowed in small and very bitter doses. Do not smile. Do not be nice.

 

 

Do not talk about your emotions. Remind those around you how miserable conditions are. If you have a full blown conversation, ensure it is about mechanics or engineering or bits of pipe, and do not try and understand it.

 

 

To accurately simulate sleeping conditions, find a single bed too short to stretch out in. You may turn off some of the hoovers. Every couple of nights, simulate the roomboy by having a friend open and close your door, and sometimes turn the light on. Don't say much to him, or he will talk about about "jiggy jiggy".

 

 

Here comes the key part of this simulation: it must last for weeks...

 

no, months. In fact, when you begin, try not to even know how long it will last. Have a friend roll a dice in secret, and then have them tell you an entirely different, lower, number. It is vital you begin your simulation believing it to last three weeks when in fact it will last six.

 

 

The good news: when you finish your rig simulation you are allowed - nay, obliged - to drink very heavily for weeks and weeks. DO NOT STOP.

 

And then, just when you've spent your final penny on your final bottle of gin, crank up the hoovers, borrow the cat, and plunge yourself into another month or two of sensory shutdown. You are now fully primed to embrace the offshore existence.

[The Boofon]

I'm nae playing Offshore Top Trumps but 6 man cabins while working out in India was the f**king pits.

 

Horrible little stinky b*stards who stole anything that wasn't nailed down, they think nothing of slamming on the lights when your in your scratcher and putting on the TV. When i threatened him with violence he had only seen in the movies they then go and grass you off.

 

I crept into the room one night to find one sleeping in my bed.

 

Stinky BO non deodorant wearing moustache sporting curry munching muthafukkas. Hate them.

 

 

Rumpus would have been in his element.

[Robbie Winters]

Anyway Big Man re create the experience at home with the following:

 

Rig Simulation

 

I'm not infrequently asked what it's like to be on a rig. So for those of you wishing to share in the experience I have devised a little simulator, so that you too can have your very own offshore experience from the comfort of your own home.

 

First of all, you need to simulate the unit, i.e. the room you'll be spending 12 hours a day. So take a room in your house and divide it in two (a blanket or some bits of board should do the trick): half a typical room is about the size of a typical unit. Remove anything remotely decorative or comfortable, and turn everything remaining grey. Find yourself a metal desk, perhaps a filing cabinet too, and then a chair. Break the chair and try and fix it: make sure you can't sit back and relax. Set up a laptop and other random bits of electronics, and give yourself an intermittent internet connection. If you're feeling particularly determined, have no internet at all.

 

 

We have now our basic workspace, but the ambience is all wrong. Crank up the heat to an unbearable level, and install a gigantic air conditioner/fan in the room. Ensure it doesn't work. Allow it to switch and blast air around very noisily, but make sure it isn't remotely cooling. Just outside of the room/unit, you need to create a source of noise. Perhaps 10-15 hoovers might do the trick. This is mere background noise, to accurately simulate the agonizing screech of the crane I'm currently enduring, you may need to borrow a friend's cat and have it tortured at ten minute intervals. Really, really hurt this cat, over and over again. In fact, put it in front of a megaphone as you do so.

 

 

You may close the door to soften the noises (a little), but if you do so, you must increase the heat greatly.To simulate the PA system, simply turn on your radio, find a grainy piece of static, and put the volume to full blast at random intervals.

 

Ensure there is no intelligible content within.

 

If you choose to simulate dayshift, your hours are 6am to 6pm, with meals at 5.30am, 11am and 6pm: nightshift is the inverse. Meals should consist of very well-done steak (not to be eaten) and chips - or gristle. Do not enjoy. For the foreign rig experience, pour sludge into a vat and add some mystery meats: you are now sampling "culture".

 

 

You are perfectly entitled to go outside at any time, but must wear luminous coveralls, a hardhat, gloves and safety glasses, and listen to ugly men swear. All communication must be grumpy. Humour is only allowed in small and very bitter doses. Do not smile. Do not be nice.

 

 

Do not talk about your emotions. Remind those around you how miserable conditions are. If you have a full blown conversation, ensure it is about mechanics or engineering or bits of pipe, and do not try and understand it.

 

 

To accurately simulate sleeping conditions, find a single bed too short to stretch out in. You may turn off some of the hoovers. Every couple of nights, simulate the roomboy by having a friend open and close your door, and sometimes turn the light on. Don't say much to him, or he will talk about about "jiggy jiggy".

 

 

Here comes the key part of this simulation: it must last for weeks...

 

no, months. In fact, when you begin, try not to even know how long it will last. Have a friend roll a dice in secret, and then have them tell you an entirely different, lower, number. It is vital you begin your simulation believing it to last three weeks when in fact it will last six.

 

 

The good news: when you finish your rig simulation you are allowed - nay, obliged - to drink very heavily for weeks and weeks. DO NOT STOP.

 

And then, just when you've spent your final penny on your final bottle of gin, crank up the hoovers, borrow the cat, and plunge yourself into another month or two of sensory shutdown. You are now fully primed to embrace the offshore existence.

You forgot to add -Please invite any Weeg, Fifer, Scouser, Makem, Geordie, Monkey Hanger, Smog Monster, Guff Tuechters fae Yaaarmith and especially social misfits from Buckie & Whitby to tell you that you that their football team is the better than any other even though half of them have never been to a game in 20 years but they proudly wear the shirt when off tower

[Coopy100]

I can see the gannet from the rust bucket piece of sh*t I am on. Sadly I am not on it. I do know someone who is on the gannet though and shall make enquiries.

[Big Man]

I can see the gannet from the rust bucket piece of sh*t I am on. Sadly I am not on it. I do know someone who is on the gannet though and shall make enquiries.

 

Ace. Can you see any other platforms from where you are?

 

How far out to sea actually are you?

 

Does the place shake in really roch weather an that?

 

- I've become interested in rig life recently.

 

:thumbs:

[Bobby Connor]

I'm nae playing Offshore Top Trumps but 6 man cabins while working out in India was the f**king pits.

 

Horrible little stinky b*stards who stole anything that wasn't nailed down, they think nothing of slamming on the lights when your in your scratcher and putting on the TV. When i threatened him with violence he had only seen in the movies they then go and grass you off.

 

I crept into the room one night to find one sleeping in my bed.

 

Stinky BO non deodorant wearing moustache sporting curry munching muthafukkas. Hate them.

 

Graphic designer. I may be skint forever but won't have to share a room.

[Redmist1903]

You forgot to add -Please invite any Weeg, Fifer, Scouser, Makem, Geordie, Monkey Hanger, Smog Monster, Guff Tuechters fae Yaaarmith and especially social misfits from Buckie & Whitby to tell you that you that their football team is the better than any other even though half of them have never been to a game in 20 years but they proudly wear the shirt when off tower

 

You forgot to add that you have to use stupid Americanised phrases instead of normal words eg. off tower = off shift, town hall meeting = Meeting with all personnel, widow maker = bridge / gangway, etc, etc

[The Boofon]

You forgot to add -Please invite any Weeg, Fifer, Scouser, Makem, Geordie, Monkey Hanger, Smog Monster, Guff Tuechters fae Yaaarmith and especially social misfits from Buckie & Whitby to tell you that you that their football team is the better than any other even though half of them have never been to a game in 20 years but they proudly wear the shirt when off tower

 

I never forgot to add that as I copied it from an email sent to me donkeys ago.

[The Boofon]

I've ended up working a fair bit on Dive Vessels and in really rough sea you almost need to ratchet strap yourself into bed or you'll tip out.

 

You'll feel plenty movement in a Rig in bad weather but not so much in the bigger Platforms, you'll still feel a wee sway now and again though.

 

I'm now 28/28 on an Intervention vessel and its a f**king beauty, brand spanking new, Norwegian Spec, fine food, nice cabins, no Indians. I think it reward for all the sh*te i've put up with so far.

 

All the Spiceboys who bang on about Offshore as if its some Hollywood Job/Lifestyle. Is it f**k its pish, but the time off is good and the pay can be good also but if i was clever enough and could make the same money doing something else i would. I've been lucky with getting a fair bit of travel under my belt and getting to see a fair few places. f**k all glamourous about working in the north sea in wintertime and going for a quick pish in the outside bogs to see some riggers left a kilo of sh*t for you to have a look at.

 

 

Very posh. We called them Pipe Deck drains.

[The Boofon]

Aye that was one a few of the 5star establishments.

 

The Indian Rig had a sort of cut in half barrel just off the side of the floor that you could pish into, that smelled quite nice in the hot summers sun.

 

Smaller satellite platforms was just pish over the side.

 

You'll find a lot of quiet corners offshore that honk of pish then when you get inside the cabins smell of spunk. f**k being a steward having to clean those spunky fleapits everyday.

 

I'm sure a few of the stewards actually enjoy that.

 

One on the North Cormorant was especially keen to be on laundry duty.

 

I've yet to be on a rig where the drains around the rig floor and the pipe deck don't honk of pish.

 

Weird when you think about it as if you work in an office you dinna hae a piss in the conference room you just go to the bogs. Why folk think they canna go to the bog offshore is beyond me.

[CrazyBullSheep]

Was on a Satellite platform in Angola a few years back we arrived and the Co man stood there with a load of plastic bags and handed them out to every person. With it being an unmanned platform there was no hint of a bog so yes you've guessed it.

 

That plastic bag was for shitting in and you were told that if you did not use the bag on dayshift please hand it over to your relief on nights.

 

Also they still used communial showers down there and floaters were often found lapping at your ankles.

[Redmist1903]

Aye that was one a few of the 5star establishments.

 

The Indian Rig had a sort of cut in half barrel just off the side of the floor that you could pish into, that smelled quite nice in the hot summers sun.

 

Smaller satellite platforms was just pish over the side.

 

You'll find a lot of quiet corners offshore that honk of pish then when you get inside the cabins smell of spunk. f**k being a steward having to clean those spunky fleapits everyday.

 

 

 

I was on a rig off Angola a few years ago and despite holding off as long as I could I needed to 'make sh*t' desperately. None off the bogs on this sh*te hole were plummed in yet and there was a mountain of stinky sh*t and flies in each trap. It was a f**kin' health hazard that I was reluctant to drop boily and sh*t in and there was no toilet paper anywhere to be seen to wipe my arse.

I went into the stores to source some clean rags when I noticed that the store man had a box of family circle biscuits with only a few biscuits left in it, I emptied the biscuits into the bin and made my way to the helideck area where I would be garenteed peace and quiet for a few minutes to do the nessesary with an empty biscuit box under one arm and a handfull of clean rags. Once the piece box was loaded up with a dump I'd been baking all day and a few dirty rags I replaced the lid and made my way off the helideck to dispose of the box in the trash skip which ironically was swarming with flies anyway, so I doubt anyone even noticed. Unless some hungry opertunistic Angolan / Indian welder fancied a biscuit.......

[Redmist1903]

There was another time I was 'caught short' offshore and had to drop anchor in an outside convieniance in the cellar deck. Due to past experiances I was expecting the worse but due to being past the touching cloth stage (there was about an inch of it already cold) desperation took over.

 

To my amazement the bog was in pristine condition and even had toilet roll, flushing toilets and running water in the sink. After enjoying my sh*t I thought to myself, ' I canna believe toilets like that existed offshore over here' and I set about investigating the plumbing system. A 4 inch waste pipe approx 4 feet long went to nowhere and was connected to fack all. A quick glance down to the water below and I discovered my lunch and a load of toilet paper floating about, being gobbled up by hungry fish, the same fish that the Petromar lads (Indians) spent their lunch times catching with lines over the side of the rig.

Needless to say, I never ate the fish at any petromar BBQ's after this.

[Big Man]

A second leak has been detected in the flow line beneath the Gannet Alpha.

 

This is starting to become concerning.

 

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-14540288

[The Boofon]

A second leak has been detected in the flow line beneath the Gannet Alpha.

 

This is starting to become concerning.

 

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-14540288

 

 

They can quite easily shut the line in so I wouldn't get too worried about it fella.

[Big Man]

They can quite easily shut the line in so I wouldn't get too worried about it fella.

 

Thanks chief.

 

:thumbs:

[tup]

It will give them an excuse to lump 10p on a litre of petrol by tomorrow morning, so they probably spilled it on purpose, the likes of boofon and cheesepipes engineering a leak to top up their pensions, you couldna mark these c**ts necks with a blowtorch.

[The Boofon]

It will give them an excuse to lump 10p on a litre of petrol by tomorrow morning, so they probably spilled it on purpose, the likes of boofon and cheesepipes engineering a leak to top up their pensions, you couldna mark these c**ts necks with a blowtorch.

 

 

 

I'm nae with Shell. I work for a more reputable Oil Company who happened to have a small issue last year in the Gulf of Mexico.