Us Customs And Immigration

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The time before last I went to the states I was stopped at customs for a good 45 minutes due to the lack of nicotine in my system and stupid rude questions from an overzealous customs bitch. I had flown Aberdeen - Manchester, Manc - Michigan, Michigan-New Orleans without so much as a smell of a ciggie. Got off the plane, bombed it to the customs desk hoping beyond hope to see less than a 2 hour cue to get through and was mildly surprised when there was only 5 or 6 people in front of me. Tis me, the missus, her boss and his missus all going through. They went first, usual questions, business or pleasure etc and they were over for a conference, I was their for the shits and giggles. Gets to me, student at the time and asks purpose of trip. I'm with those 3 I say, they are here for a conference, I am here to see some of New orleans...

 

REALLY?? She said and what do you do.

I'm a student

So, what do you do

I study things, thats what students do. The thing I study is network management.

REALLY??

Yes, really

So how did you afford this trip she asks smug as f**kly.

I dont really see that being any of your business I said calmly, well I thought it was calm but later on back at the hotel I was informed there was nothing calm about the way I said it.

I asked how you could afford this trip

and I said my bank account really has nothing to do with you. Can I ask what you need to kn ow my financial status for considering I am here for 3 days and I have a return ticket?

No you cant, where did you get the money for this trip.

 

Now, being a sarcastic f**ker at the worst of times and dying for a smoke I said the only thing I could say "My dad is rich, f**king filthy stinking rich, he could most probably buy this airport and everyone in it including you, twice"

 

45 minutes, several background checks and apologies for my cheek using lack of smoking as an excuse later I finally get a smoke.

 

On the way home I am told in no uncertain terms that I will be on my best behavior in the airport and of course I agree. So we get to the airport and I see a rather smart petrol stained zippo lighter for sale in an airport shop for $60 and it just do happens I have $60 in funny money left in the hipper. In I go, yas, this is a well smart lighter and I buy it. Get to the baggage desk to be told by some huge black geezer that I cant take my lighter onto the plane?? WHAT THE f**k I ask, I just bought the f**king thing here, $60 f**king bucks this just cost me and you're trying to thieve it off me?!?! Where the f**k am I son, New Orleans or f**king Lagos??? Well, racist card played by customs monkey for daring to mention a black african country and off I'm marched again to be scanned, scanned again, felt up and super scanned. I demanded to see the airport manager and the customs manager... I was sat down in the baggage scan area wearing nothing but a pair of tracky bottoms, my socks, shoes, t-shirt the works taken off me to be rescanned while I wait for 2 managers to appear. Obviously all this is being watched with folded arms and tapping foot by the missus BUT I won Lighter bought in airport put into bag without the cotton wool but still had the lighter and an appology from the customs manager for pulling the race card when I explained a common trick at Lagos airport is for the looky looky men to sell you carvings at the door and the customs to take them off you as Nigerian artifacts to sell back to the looky looky man and if an airport is going to allow something to be sold in it then it sure as hell should be allowed on the plane.

 

I learned my lesson though, next time I went over to visit chi town I took patches and kept my mouth shut.

 

 

Still its nothing compared to landing in Aberdeen from Amsterdam with no luggage. Pulled to the side and asked by a short arsed Hitler wannabe with his side mouth Inverurie twang where I've just been...

 

Den Haag

Aye but you just came aff the Amsterdum flight

Yes but I was in Den Haag, Den Haag is also near Schiphol

why

I live there and thats where the Dutch decided to put it

furryboots are yer bugs then

Dont need them, I live here

Yi jist said yi live in Amsterdum

No, you said i was in Amsterdam, I said I live in Den Haag but I also live here.

You think yr smairt div yi

no sir I dont, I also dont think you're that smart either. Can I go now?

No, this way... rubs everything i own with the cloth thing and of course it comes back that I've been in contact with some thc lately.

How div yi explain that one sonny?

 

Well, as I said I live in Den Haag and as I am sure you are aware cannabis and grass are legal to smoke there so I partake in the local delicacies when I am there. I do not do it here though, its illegal.

 

Couldnt find anything so they let me go without the rubber glove treatment which was just as well

 

f**king hate customs.

[Bobby Connor]

The time before last I went to the states I was stopped at customs for a good 45 minutes due to the lack of nicotine in my system and stupid rude questions from an overzealous customs bitch. I had flown Aberdeen - Manchester, Manc - Michigan, Michigan-New Orleans without so much as a smell of a ciggie. Got off the plane, bombed it to the customs desk hoping beyond hope to see less than a 2 hour cue to get through and was mildly surprised when there was only 5 or 6 people in front of me. Tis me, the missus, her boss and his missus all going through. They went first, usual questions, business or pleasure etc and they were over for a conference, I was their for the shits and giggles. Gets to me, student at the time and asks purpose of trip. I'm with those 3 I say, they are here for a conference, I am here to see some of New orleans...

 

REALLY?? She said and what do you do.

I'm a student

So, what do you do

I study things, thats what students do. The thing I study is network management.

REALLY??

Yes, really

So how did you afford this trip she asks smug as f**kly.

I dont really see that being any of your business I said calmly, well I thought it was calm but later on back at the hotel I was informed there was nothing calm about the way I said it.

I asked how you could afford this trip

and I said my bank account really has nothing to do with you. Can I ask what you need to kn ow my financial status for considering I am here for 3 days and I have a return ticket?

No you cant, where did you get the money for this trip.

 

Now, being a sarcastic f**ker at the worst of times and dying for a smoke I said the only thing I could say "My dad is rich, f**king filthy stinking rich, he could most probably buy this airport and everyone in it including you, twice"

 

45 minutes, several background checks and apologies for my cheek using lack of smoking as an excuse later I finally get a smoke.

 

On the way home I am told in no uncertain terms that I will be on my best behavior in the airport and of course I agree. So we get to the airport and I see a rather smart petrol stained zippo lighter for sale in an airport shop for $60 and it just do happens I have $60 in funny money left in the hipper. In I go, yas, this is a well smart lighter and I buy it. Get to the baggage desk to be told by some huge black geezer that I cant take my lighter onto the plane?? WHAT THE f**k I ask, I just bought the f**king thing here, $60 f**king bucks this just cost me and you're trying to thieve it off me?!?! Where the f**k am I son, New Orleans or f**king Lagos??? Well, racist card played by customs monkey for daring to mention a black african country and off I'm marched again to be scanned, scanned again, felt up and super scanned. I demanded to see the airport manager and the customs manager... I was sat down in the baggage scan area wearing nothing but a pair of tracky bottoms, my socks, shoes, t-shirt the works taken off me to be rescanned while I wait for 2 managers to appear. Obviously all this is being watched with folded arms and tapping foot by the missus BUT I won Lighter bought in airport put into bag without the cotton wool but still had the lighter and an appology from the customs manager for pulling the race card when I explained a common trick at Lagos airport is for the looky looky men to sell you carvings at the door and the customs to take them off you as Nigerian artifacts to sell back to the looky looky man and if an airport is going to allow something to be sold in it then it sure as hell should be allowed on the plane.

 

I learned my lesson though, next time I went over to visit chi town I took patches and kept my mouth shut.

 

 

Still its nothing compared to landing in Aberdeen from Amsterdam with no luggage. Pulled to the side and asked by a short arsed Hitler wannabe with his side mouth Inverurie twang where I've just been...

 

Den Haag

Aye but you just came aff the Amsterdum flight

Yes but I was in Den Haag, Den Haag is also near Schiphol

why

I live there and thats where the Dutch decided to put it

furryboots are yer bugs then

Dont need them, I live here

Yi jist said yi live in Amsterdum

No, you said i was in Amsterdam, I said I live in Den Haag but I also live here.

You think yr smairt div yi

no sir I dont, I also dont think you're that smart either. Can I go now?

No, this way... rubs everything i own with the cloth thing and of course it comes back that I've been in contact with some thc lately.

How div yi explain that one sonny?

 

Well, as I said I live in Den Haag and as I am sure you are aware cannabis and grass are legal to smoke there so I partake in the local delicacies when I am there. I do not do it here though, its illegal.

 

Couldnt find anything so they let me go without the rubber glove treatment which was just as well

 

f**king hate customs.

 

Haha! Keeping yer mouth shut despite all instincts to the contrary is a fine art and takes years of practice.

[dervish]

Had a lovely experience after a 2hr johnt into Doha after being bored during a 14hr transfer. Basically my gf has a bit of an attitude, Qatari guys (including border control) don't like that. Hence for the two hours I was in Doha I didn't have a visa because prick face had attached it to some other random and no me, so when I went to leave sh*t ensued. Found the tiny receipt (after 30 Arabic and fun filled minutes) for the visa in about 3 diff currencies and all kinda other crap otherwise I was biding. Oh aye and gf had went straight through no worries, she bitched after she had hers...

 

Other "banter" was on the way back from dam to Aberdeen (on my jones, gf went back to Paris) anyway sat next to a bit of range, decent enough but he'd been enjoying himself. Anyways pick up bag same time as him walking past security guys he gets pulled, security guy near me goes "you know him" "na" says I then my new best mates shouts "see ya later on min". Magic, cue full on 20min convo(to see if anything could have contaminated my bag, think I had to sign something) before getting my bag swabbed after being searched.

 

Funny side was on the way out went to buy some rubbers before I left, boots had some deal where like 12 were just twice the price of 3, so went for that, thought might be a bit sweaty when I landed so got one of those micro lynx thinges, and some mints at the airport boots air side. So go to pay the bloke goes "can I see your boarding card?". Never knew shame before handing over an Amsterdam boarding card paying for 12 jonnies, enough body spray for about 2 nights and mints, no hand baggage and on my own.