Jokes for today

[Edwin Starr]

This is an appreciation post for everyone who play's the triangle in orchestra.

 

Thanks for every ting.

[sigh]

On a similar level then:

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick

What's brown and sticky? A stick

Did ye hear about the guy that swallowed bricks? He a wa' noo

What's blue and smells like paint? Blue paint

What's red and smells like paint? Red paint

Where does a general keep his armies? Up his sleevies

Where do caravans go when they die? Haven

Why did the kettle fall down the stairs? Cause it was steaming

Why do monsters not eat ghosts? Cause they taste like sheet

What's a dentist's favourite time of day? 2.30

Did you hear about the magic tractor? Turned into a field

Did you hear about the magic car? Turned into a side st

What's green and smells o bacon? Kermit's fingers

What do Winnie the poo and Kermit the frog have in common? Both have the same middle name

What did the bus driver say to the guy WI nae legs? How ye getting on?

What dae ye call a guy WI nae legs laying at the front door? Matt

Met a guy at the cashline standing on one leg... Turns out he was checking his balance

Knock knock... Who's there... A wee guy... A wee guy who... A wee guy who cannae reach the doorbell

How did the Farmer find a girlfriend? He tractor down

Why were the bakers hands brown?

He kneaded a poo

 

Glad Halloween is over, just waiting for the Christmas crackers now.....

[styrofoamplates]

My favourite joke of all time has to be: 

What's got eight legs and a big black cunt? 

 

The A-Team

 

 

Also works with All Saints 

[cheesepipes]

9 minutes ago, styrofoamplates said:

My favourite joke of all time has to be: 

What's got eight legs and a big black cunt? 

 

The A-Team

 

 

Also works with All Saints 

Come on now.

Let's not get racist. Racism is a crime.

 

 

And crime is for Black people.

[Poodler]

Do you know what happens to a jew when he walks into a brick wall with an erection? 
 

he breaks his nose 

[milne_afc]

Some gold plated chains would make a good retirement gift for a very, very good slave

(Norm MacD)

[Bournemouth Gee]

5 minutes ago, Poodler said:

Do you know what happens to a jew when he walks into a brick wall with an erection? 
 

he breaks his nose 

Cos they have small erections

[YorkDon]

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

What’s the difference between jam & marmalade? You can’t marmalade your cock up your wife’s arse.

[Bournemouth Gee]

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can go to sleep with the light on

[Matt Armstrong's Dog]

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

"Thingy".

"Thingy who?"

"Thingy".

The backdoor opens. "Oh sorry, I've got the wrong hoose. Lottery winner?".

"Next door min".

The lad politely leaves and obediently raps on the back door of oor neighbours. 

(December 2021)

[Studebaker-90]

What’s the worst part about being a paedophile? Trying to fit in 

[Matt Armstrong's Dog]

11 minutes ago, Studebaker-90 said:

What’s the worst part about being a paedophile? Trying to fit in 

Do you any paedos like min? 

[Edwin Starr]

I'm regretting starting this 🙄

[Studebaker-90]

3 minutes ago, Matt Armstrong's Dog said:

Do you any paedos like min? 

No. It’s a joke. Jeez. 

[Matt Armstrong's Dog]

7 minutes ago, Studebaker-90 said:

No. It’s a joke. Jeez. 

Sorry loon, my misinterpretation. 👍

(It's just because another poster asked something about the amount of paedos in oor toon yesterday, which is rife with them, pro rata).

[Studebaker-90]

2 minutes ago, Matt Armstrong's Dog said:

Sorry loon, my misinterpretation. 👍

(It's just because anothet poster asked something about paedos in oor toon yesterday, which is rife, pro rata).

I mean the thread title should have been the clue. I still prefer paedos to the hunters though (a topic discussed many time on here) 

[milne_afc]

25 minutes ago, Studebaker-90 said:

What’s the worst part about being a paedophile? Trying to fit in 

Do you mean socially? Or are you just bragging?

[Matt Armstrong's Dog]

Just now, Studebaker-90 said:

I mean the thread title should have been the clue. I still prefer paedos to the hunters though (a topic discussed many time on here) 

I used to watch a few paedo hunter videos on YouTube (Shane Brannigan, GOTN, etc.).

I stopped watching them after a while as the paedos they apprehended got next to fuck all when up before the beaks in court.

[Studebaker-90]

I’m on the fence about abortion. On the one hand it kills babies which I’m all for, on the other it gives woman a choice. 

[milne_afc]

9 minutes ago, Matt Armstrong's Dog said:

I used to watch a few paedo hunter videos on YouTube (Shane Brannigan, GOTN, etc.).

Yip. 

[ericblack4boss]

What's the difference between a joiner and a carpenter?

 

A joiner chaps nails, and a carpenter paints cars!

[Studebaker-90]

The paedo that gets caught then does a funny wave on camera is great. Utter contempt for the mink filming him.  

[Cambridge Red]

Difference between a magicians wand and a policeman's truncheon.

One's for cunning stunts!

[Edwin Starr]

1 hour ago, Sooper-hanz said:

All good stuff, Buc. 😂

Might have to read them again sooper.😁

[Cambridge Red]

Then there was the necrophiliac who was forced to stop after some rotten cunt split on him.

[Matt Armstrong's Dog]

2 hours ago, milne_afc said:

Yip. 

Nice.

[WesthillWanderersFC]

Man walks into a pub with his pet giraffe.

He orders up 6 pints. 

He drinks 3. The giraffe drinks 3.

The giraffe crumbles to the floor.

The man turns and heads to leave the pub.

The barman says “Hoi, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!”

Man replies: “It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe”. 

[Cambridge Red]

Horse goes up to the bar, barman says.

"What's with the long face"

Bear goes up to the bar and says I'll have a ................................ about ten seconds later the barman says.

" What's with the long pause"

[Studebaker-90]

53 minutes ago, WesthillWanderersFC said:

Man walks into a pub with his pet giraffe.

He orders up 6 pints. 

He drinks 3. The giraffe drinks 3.

The giraffe crumbles to the floor.

The man turns and heads to leave the pub.

The barman says “Hoi, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!”

Man replies: “It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe”. 

[WesthillWanderersFC]

What does a gynaecologist & a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.