Just Did A Tup

[dervish]

Saw what you did there.

[bonzodaddy73]

just suffered a type #5 , which ended up a 40 wiper.

[Dynamo]

just suffered a type #5 , which ended up a 40 wiper.

 

 

Nothing worse.

[robbo]

some advice which some will know about but others will welcome.

 

if your struggling to push one out (or if your just in a rush) gentle rocking back and forth helps greatly. aids peristalsis by contracting different muscles in your gut and colon. so when you next find your face turning purple, rock back and forth, then side to side. youll be amazed how well it works

[Dandie1992]

just did a 7 minute 2k test on the rowing machine for the rowing squad at edinburgh. I believe this to be the cause of full blown type 5 for a good 30 minutes.

[Big Man]

Just had a nightmare sh*t at work scenario. Sitting in on a conference with a client, yesterday's roast dinner rumbling away for a whole hour and a half. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty:

 

Dropped a type 5

 

35 wiper

 

Nae fine.

 

[bonzodaddy73]

Jager bomb enduced type#6.

Not pretty. Feels like I've had my ring tattooed...

[bonzodaddy73]

Just had a vicious type #6.

The ferocious nature of the evacuation caught me by surprise. Especially when I noticed that the screen of my phone had a sizeable shit splatlet right in the middle of it.

Can safely say that's never happened to me before.

[Big Man]

Just had a vicious type #6.

The ferocious nature of the evacuation caught me by surprise. Especially when I noticed that the screen of my phone had a sizeable shit splatlet right in the middle of it.

Can safely say that's never happened to me before.

 

 

Details! How the fuck did that happen, where were you holding your'e fone?

[bonzodaddy73]

 

Details! How the fuck did that happen, where were you holding your'e fone?

Had the HTC in my hand when I could tell arse collapse was imminent. So in a bit of a panic I fumbled one handed with my breeks and just got them of and planted my ass down. Then it was volcanic in nature and I take it the splatlet escaped and my phone just happened to be in the blast zone.

Mental eh?

[granite sheep]

At work today, got the turtle's head very suddenly, without any warning, which lead to an urgent withdrawal to the shitter. No sooner had my arse cheeks touched the porcelain a massive eruption of type 5 turds spewed forth from my hoop, jesus christ it took a lot outta me on that session, reckon I've dropped a weight division. 30 wiper, at least the initial turtle's head attack didnae leave any arse crayon marks on the gusset o ma boxers

[Big Man]

That's me fresh off the pan the now.

 

Just had an absolute holocaust of a type 5, like a nail bomb in the anus - i believe the primary causality to be a ropey chinese takeaway consumed inecht.

 

Still stinging just now, and the worst part is the missus isn't even in to dab calomine lotion on my starfish.

 

Control out.

[muttondressedaslamb]

some advice which some will know about but others will welcome.

 

if your struggling to push one out (or if your just in a rush) gentle rocking back and forth helps greatly. aids peristalsis by contracting different muscles in your gut and colon. so when you next find your face turning purple, rock back and forth, then side to side. youll be amazed how well it works

 

Thanks for the peristalsis tips Robbo I thought I was going to have a purple face tonight but then the light bulb switched on and I remembered your post. It was looking quite dry which meant very few wipes. However the last couple of days my fecal deposits have been darker than normal. Do you think it's AIDS?

[muttondressedaslamb]

Women shit, get over it.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mb3RA5UjE1I

[muttondressedaslamb]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsVgi8hoFFc

[muttondressedaslamb]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYfqIN0Z4bA

 

OK that's me finished with the shit songs. See what I did there?

[Big Man]

Thanks for the peristalsis tips Robbo I thought I was going to have a purple face tonight but then the light bulb switched on and I remembered your post. It was looking quite dry which meant very few wipes. However the last couple of days my fecal deposits have been darker than normal. Do you think it's AIDS?

 

Firstly, well done for sharing. Black, tarry stools can be caused by a number of things. The most common cause is eating certain iron rich foods. Have you consumed any of the following recently:

• Black licorice
• Blueberries
• Iron supplements
• Lead
• Pepto-bismol

If this is not the case then it may indicate there is some gastro-intestinal bleeding somewhere along your digestive tract.

 

To answer your question i definately do not think its AIDS. AIDS induced sh*t discolouration is very rare and the chances are you would have symptoms other than the ones you described if you did have it. The most important thing is to just try and relax, and enjoy your bowel movements...

 

:thumbs:

[muttondressedaslamb]

Thanks they haven't went black yet, just been darker brown. I wish I'd taken a photo now then I could have posted to get your feedback. I have been eating more fruit lately, maybe that is it? Anyway I hope it's not bowel cancer as the chances of recovering from that are pretty much zilch.

[Big Man]

Thanks they haven't went black yet, just been darker brown. I wish I'd taken a photo now then I could have posted to get your feedback. I have been eating more fruit lately, maybe that is it? Anyway I hope it's not bowel cancer as the chances of recovering from that are pretty much zilch.

 

Right, that's good then - i wouldn't worry. Dark brown would normally indicate some kind of dietry factor; red wine, too much salt in the diet, not enough vegtables. I wouldn't worry. What kind of fruit if you don't mind my asking?

 

Its the very dark brown ones and black ones you have to worry about with respect to cancer and other GI disease. Just to put your mind at ease let me quote a sobering statistic: 81% of those diagnosed with bowel cancer are over the age of 60 - so im guessing you've got a while to go yet...

 

Stay safe on the pan - and keep us updated with your progress.

 

[muttondressedaslamb]

Right, that's good then - i wouldn't worry. Dark brown would normally indicate some kind of dietry factor; red wine, too much salt in the diet, not enough vegtables. I wouldn't worry. What kind of fruit if you don't mind my asking?

 

Its the very dark brown ones and black ones you have to worry about with respect to cancer and other GI disease. Just to put your mind at ease let me quote a sobering statistic: 81% of those diagnosed with bowel cancer are over the age of 60 - so im guessing you've got a while to go yet...

 

Stay safe on the pan - and keep us updated with your progress.

 

 

Been eating a lot more plums actually. Had some cherries too so I suppose they are quite dark and could taint my stools??

My doctor told me a similar thing a few weeks back re: age for bowel cancer. He said it would be unlikely during his lifetime as a doctor he would see anyone my age with bowel cancer.

[Big Man]

Been eating a lot more plums actually. Had some cherries too so I suppose they are quite dark and could taint my stools??

My doctor told me a similar thing a few weeks back re: age for bowel cancer. He said it would be unlikely during his lifetime as a doctor he would see anyone my age with bowel cancer.

 

Yes thats possible.

 

Just as an aside, the NHS have started postal screenings for people in the appropriate age group.

 

You pass your stool into a cardboard bowl seal in a plastice bag, put that into another plastic bag, put into a brown bag and then post it back to them for analysis.

 

They've been doing an awful lot to combat bowel disease in recent years.

[robbojunior]

Thought I'd try and classify my next fecal output after reading this thread and have only gone and done a phantom shit!

 

Gutted!

 

If I had to guess though, I'd say it was a type 3. Nice and easy start to my shite-classification career.

[Big Man]

Thought I'd try and classify my next fecal output after reading this thread and have only gone and done a phantom shit!

 

Gutted!

 

If I had to guess though, I'd say it was a type 3. Nice and easy start to my shite-classification career.

 

:hysterical:

 

Fail!

 

I haven't had a phantom sh*t in years. I had one the other weak that went slightly round the U-bend and was playing beek-a-boo but that's about it...

[paddy]

We need to get Gillian McKeith in to analyse all the shit in this thread

[robbojunior]

Personally think there's a skill to it, if it comes out of your arse with the required force then it's more likely to disappear.

 

Usually happens when it's a heavy one like, it's just after you do the 180 degree turn to inspect it but the sense of disappointment is palpable when you realise it's gone.

 

Funnily enough I sometimes get the opposite extreme. Mostly in work toilets actually, where the shit is so long and firm that it is half round the u-bend, and above the waterline at the other end. That's a nightmare because the flush at work is fairly weak and it wont budge. Even with a couple of flushes. Needs to be left to soak for 30 mins then I go back and it flushes away. Good job I use the disabled loos for a bit of extra privacy. Can't bear to be disturbed mid-delivery. I tense up and can't finish.

[Dynamo]

I'm surprised no ones put a photo of their deposits up yet.

[barassie_afc]

im on it...

 

god help us

[Betty Swallicks]

im on it...

 

 

I knew you had to be on something.

[Henry]

I thought you had been posting your shit here since January 2006 MT.

[StandFree1982]

I thought you had been posting your shit here since January 2006 MT.

 

Thats my "Best post of 2011" sorted!