Thread O Unsolicited Life Advice

[Ke1t]

Share your wisdom for living life. 

 

Here's some. 

 

Always wash your arse after shitting. Even if it's just polishing the hole and surrounding area with a Wet Wipe™. Any shit still sticking to your arsehole after shitting is going to smell like shit just as much as if that shite was smeared on your hair or your teeth. And people are going to smell it on you. 

 

Wash your fucking arses. 

 

 

[eeps]

Maybe Kelt should consider his diet and think about waxing his hole?

[Ke1t]

are you meaning properly wash yer arsehole after a shit?

 

Ive never employed such a technique and i only get complemented on my odour, which is acheived by a daily face rub with baby lotion and a squirt of classic scent. Fahrenheit or Drakar Noir . 

 

You work in Africa a lot, though, don't you? 

[Ke1t]

Maybe Kelt should consider his diet and think about waxing his hole?

 

Preaching to the choir, there. 

 

My diet is a fantastic balance of protein, fats, and fibre with no room for carbs or sugar. My shites slip out like a greased eel, leaving little to no residue... except maybe on  Mondays... and yet I still maintain a high degree of anal hygiene. Something sadly lacking in the population as a whole. 

[Ke1t]

Typing right now from the infested shit tip.

 

i get it worldwide, from Bucksburn to Congo and all thats inbetween. "Oooh you smell nice".

 

I'll need to start saying after each compliment......"if you think thats nice, wait til ive washed my arsehole"

 

I've only ever been to Morocco, and it smelled like someone was cooking rotting vegetables. Had no desire to venture further into the interior. 

 

I doubt there's much washing of any kind goes on there, never mind arsehole cleansing. 

[eeps]

Preaching to the choir, there.

 

My diet is a fantastic balance of protein, fats, and fibre with no room for carbs or sugar. My shites slip out like a greased eel, leaving little to no residue... except maybe on Mondays... and yet I still maintain a high degree of anal hygiene. Something sadly lacking in the population as a whole.

I think your advice is good. Might ask for a birthday bidet this year.

[For Fecks Sake]

Easy - treat others the way you would want to be treated yoursel.

 

That said I have 2 exceptions, 1)Weegies and 2)folk from Dundee.

[Redforever86]

Never trust a weegie.

[Bluto10]

are you meaning properly wash yer arsehole after a shit?

 

Ive never employed such a technique and i only get complemented on my odour, which is acheived by a daily face rub with baby lotion and a squirt of classic scent. Fahrenheit or Drakar Noir .

 

your my kinda guy Cheese

[Bluto10]

i too went to Morocco and i even took my kids.

 

To date id say it was the more irresponsible thing ive done as a parent and i include still being up with cocaine dripping out my nostrils at 8am in the morning and them getting up wanting breakfast.

 

Absolute shithole of a country full of horrible cunts.

 

They might be a lot blacker down south, the classic African if you will but id rather take my chances with them than the tan, shifty terrorist fuckers of the north.

 

lol

 

 

 

I had two week touring the country by automobile

 

cunts would deface road signs for white men kings like myself

 

they didn’t count on me doing me research beforehand tho

 

stupid thick as pigshit dune coons

[Poodler]

i too went to Morocco and i even took my kids.

 

To date id say it was the more irresponsible thing ive done as a parent and i include still being up with cocaine dripping out my nostrils at 8am in the morning and them getting up wanting breakfast.

 

Absolute shithole of a country full of horrible cunts.

 

They might be a lot blacker down south, the classic African if you will but id rather take my chances with them than the tan, shifty terrorist fuckers of the north.

Haha

 

 

 

 

If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain

[Guest milne_afc]

Preaching to the choir, there.

 

My diet is a fantastic balance of protein, fats, and fibre with no room for carbs or sugar. My shites slip out like a greased eel, leaving little to no residue... except maybe on Mondays... and yet I still maintain a high degree of anal hygiene. Something sadly lacking in the population as a whole.

Let me know when you can land a shite. Upright.

 

[love Stevie Wonder]

[looksgoodinred]

Wash daily. Be polite. Put your best effort into whatever you’re doing or it’s probably not worth doing. Be kind.

[1903Fitba]

So far we have -

 

Wash

Be nice

Don’t go to Morocco

 

Decent

[Arabian Knight]

tup shid git they words tattooed oan ex chest in thon gothic font

[Fridge]

Have passionate hatred for the Huns

 

Get on with your job and do as little as possible but make sure you do something relatively high profile every year so you get a good appraisal.

 

If you want a promotion make it known and ask what you need to do to get it so you can achieve it. If you’re happy where you are just crack on skiving like fuck.

 

And definetly hate the Huns.

[BWG]

Slightly stale bread can be revived by microwaving it on the defrost setting.

 

You're welcome.

[Fridge]

What about the mould?

[Poodler]

Penicillin

[Ke1t]

Clearly just fucked a dude in the ass likes.

 

Do tell .......

 

c'mon now... what is this, 1959?

 

Fucking each other up the arse isn't taboo any more, in fact it's practically mandatory in 2019. 

 

While I haven't personally ridden a lad up the arse I'd hope that if I did he'd have the good manners to wash it beforehand. 

 

Fucking savages that don't keep it spotless. 

[Poodler]

My pal has a fantastic implement for douching.

[Ke1t]

Set the scene.

 

You are out for a meal with the family. You've had your shit and you've washed your asshole. You're good to go.

 

You get to your destination and your body tells you there is a small bit of unfinished business......you need a shit. The facilities on offer are first class.

 

How would you proceed??

 

There is not a hold it in option.....the shit needs to come out.

 

I would hope we all have the foresight to keep a packet of Wet Wipes in the car for exactly this kind of scenario. 

 

Pop the packet in the pocket of your cargoes before entering the restaurant and you can eat all the ropey seafood you want. 

[chief_wiggum]

An unclean ringer is an itchy ringer and there's nithin worse than a yokie hole, I have seen a few women posing splaying their goods on some of my....ahem.... artistic sites i view that have debris around their starfish, very unprofessional!

[eeps]

An unclean ringer is an itchy ringer and there's nithin worse than a yokie hole, I have seen a few women posing splaying their goods on some of my....ahem.... artistic sites i view that have debris around their starfish, very unprofessional!

Aye but div ye howk yir hole fan it's yokie?

[For Fecks Sake]

Walking home from town in the small hours a few years back I suddenly got 'that' feeling and I knew I had about 15 seconds to whip my kegs down before I shat myself.

 

Nipped into a driveway on Gt Western Rd behind a hedge and did not have time to squat properly before I expelled a jet of utter stinking and rancid shite all over some poor buggers lawn.

 

Unfortunately no wet wipes or tissues on hand so had to use my Hugo Boss boxers to clean me up as best as possible before departing the scene pronto leaving the aforementioned boxers behind.

 

Not my proudest moment and god only knows what the poor bugger who's garden it was thought when they walked out of their door the next morning

[Chewie37]

Clean arse is a given, as well as cleaning your genitalia, cleanliness is next to Godliness as the Victorians used to say..........but fuck religion, so cleanliness is just a decent thing.

 

Also, never eat yellow snow

[Chewie37]

My favourite actual life advice is not to lie, “you can’t get in trouble for telling the truth”

 

I await the many examples from folk on here to try and disprove this

[Ke1t]

Unless you are displaying your bare anus to passers by with splayed cheeks i really dont think there is any issues with odour. 

 

Im all for clean back passages but it has to be practical and inkeeping with the hustle and bustle of life. Cant be casting off the tweeds for a soapy scrub after every defecation thats some OCD type nonsense.

 

OCD would be counting to ten forwards then backwards then forwards again before every wipe, surely?

 

Now it's possible that a clean shite, where your arsehole doesn't resemble the bottom of a cement mixer afterwards, might not stink to the point where others notice as you walk past them. But let's say your last shite was a huge fucking disaster, and all you've done is clean it up with some dry paper/boxer shorts... there's no way you're walking around without a vapour trail of shit stench tailing you like a Pepe Le Pew cartoon.

[chief_wiggum]

Enjoy your kids when they are babies/toddlers, they may be greetin shit machines but they are brilliant at that age, just developing a personality, you should try and spend as much time with them as possible because in no time they will be teenagers, and soon they will hide out in their room and communicate with grunts.... you will just be an embarrassment to them.

[BrianFaePerth]

Never trust a man wearing sandals